Wednesday morning, xwh asked to come by for a talk. My mind raced as to what he wanted to discuss....was he marrying OW? Breaking up with her? Something related to his business? Taking me back to court for a different schedule with the kids? I wasn't sure, but I knew I could handle it. After all, I've come this far, right?
Xwh gave me the one piece of news I never expected....he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and prognosis to only having 12-18 months to live!! :'( I never hated xwh, through all of our almost 3 year mess. I had forgiven him and accepted that I would always love the part of him that lived on in our children. So, this was a huge blow! We talked and cried for over an hour. He may marry OW, just because she said she'd stay with him and be there for him until the end.
I'm still struggling with it all. He's no longer "mine" so, although I'll be there with the kids as much as he wants us, I'm not "going through" this with him. Yet, I'm still mourning. This is tragic for our children who aren't old enough to be without their Dad. And, selfish as it sounds, what about me? It's all going to be up to me to raise our children and not let this tragedy have a negative effect on them. I can falter and I can't let anything happen to me or they will have nobody! My family is not close by and we're not that close. For the first time, I feel "alone". I have friends, but that's not the same as having someone you can call to "back you up" in the case of an emergency.
Prayers for my xwh are welcome.
My advice would be to get your children (and yourself) into counseling as soon as possible. If you have a Gilda's Club in your area, that is a wonderful resource for children and families to share their struggles with others who have a family member with cancer. It's especially important for children to know they are not alone and that other kids face this too.
I am so very sorry. Prayers for you, your sweet children and your exH.
(((Movingfast and family)))
No words, just hugs.
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.” ― Pema Chödrön
I'm always expecting my XWH to come at me with this one when he has used up all his other lines of ego boosts.
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
Just because news travels fast in a small town, we'll probably tell the kids this weekend so they don't overhear it from someone else. Aside from the devastation of having to tell our children such news, this will take place at ow's house (where xwh lives) with xwh, ow and myself. I have not even spoken ow's name since I found out about the A and we certainly haven't even talked or exchanged eye contact. We've been in the same room, but that room was a gymnasium. You get the picture. In addition to everything else that is going on emotionally right now, dealing with ow is not something I want to be doing. But, she's vowed to stay with xwh through this (what else would she do? Kick him out?) so dealing with her is something else I'll have to adjust to.
As far as those questioning the validity of the story...there is no question. He's getting the chemo port put in next week. Even without that, despite the fact lying is the very basis of having an A, xwh is not one to lie. He also would never put our children through this if it wasn't true. xwh has many faults and hurt me in multiple ways, however, I can honestly say, the only 4 people on this earth that he truly loves are our 4 children. Beyond them, he really does not understand love, never has. Blame it on his personality, his upbringing, whatever, but he just doesn't understand or love. Or at least he didn't until we had children. He would gladly lay down his life for them and is highly concerned how the kids and I are going to fare once he's gone...financially, emotionally, all of it. He's doing what he can to ensure we'll be okay.
I would be concerned about him marrying the OW. If he dies after marrying her will she be entitled to money that would've gone to your kids?
It's only the beginning if things I'm sure I won't agree with him on. But, he's the one dieing. I can't tell him how to do it. I can't even imagine what he's going through.
I am so sorry for what you and your darling kids are going through. Sorry too for your XWH.
If I may be presumptuous though, you are allowed to still have boundaries. Keeping them is not disrespectful to him or short changing him in anyway. Sometimes they can be necessary to prevent resentment once a person has passed. Having them does not mean you cared less or supported less, it means you are being true to you and doing what is best for your children in the long run.
((movingfast and kids))
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
