We are still separated and not living together. After a seemingly good day, late at night she sent me a series of texts saying she hates me so much sometimes. I deceived her for all those months and she's just supposed to forgive me. I'm such an f'ing piece of sh*t. She doesn't know if she can ever forgive me. I 'll always be a cheater and it kept going.
I feel like something brought the hurt back to the surface and things like this are going to happen. I just need to suck it up and be there. I actually see a little positive that she shared this with me instead of venting to someone else. I suppose the improved communication can be good and bad.
Anyone dealt with this who is where I am (5 months out from D-day) or a bit further along? I'm looking for insight so I can give her what she needs right now.
The best thing you can do is be understanding and patient. Don't loose your cool, don't get defensive. Answer her questions, apologize for causing her this pain. Keep working on you, figure out your whys, change your faulty behavior.
Time and consistency are key.
Was your BS prone to anger prior to this? If not, her raging anger may be an unknown to her, too. She will wonder where the anger comes from.
Anger will come and go but there are some time periods that are more prevalent. I hit mine right about 6 months. Things were getting a little bit better and all of a sudden the anger hit. Maybe I felt like he was "getting away with" his affair if things were going well???? I don't know.
When I was the most angry, it really helped me knowing that my WS would be there for me, no matter what venom I spewed at him. His calm love and tenderness when I was at my worst made a dramatic impact on our relationship. It helped me learn to trust him again.
She is going through a process and feels comfortable enough to share it with you. Be grateful for that, as it sounds as if you are.
When you are near her when she vents, reach out to her and tell her how much you love her and how incredible it is that she is still there, despite the circumstances.
Compassion and understanding is the way to go. Yay for you.
We are here to hear about your pain and your feelings about what she says. It is our job to hold you up and fill you with our victories, so you can be strong for her.
Good job nevergiveup10. You did well.
5 months...cripes you are a baby yet.
When you apologize, be very specific. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry gets old really fast. Mainly because it's cheap and easy. Use what she's told you, and apologize specifically for her specific pain. Some examples might be:
I hate you so much sometimes.
You deceived me for all those months and I'm just supposed to forgive you?
You are such an f'ing piece of sh*t.
You see, when you affirm her feelings and then apologize specifically for the things that you did and for the way it made/makes her feel, you affirm her. In very specific ways. You show that you are LISTENING to her pain and her hurt, you are acknowledging it, and you are specifically going to address it. When you affirm someone and their feelings, it's as if you shine a light on them, not you.
Here's another one. Apologize, specifically, at times when she isn't attacking you or triggering. My FWH is sitting next to me and we're both on our computers after a day he spent doing our flooring. Not too long ago, he spontaneously looked at me until I caught his eye, told me that he loved me, and said thank you for marrying me and thank you for giving me the opportunity to stay a part of your life. My heart drank that up like the finest wine.
Best of luck to you.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Thank you Skan for sharing your experience and suggestions, I will put them to good use.
Today she told me that she's not sure if she can forgive me, but she wants to forgive me. That's she's just so angry. I saw that as a huge step for us, the first time she has EVER said that she wants to. I think for 5 months we are doing pretty well. I'm doing everything I can to support her and be cool. I know this is going to take a long time, and she's worth it.
All of this has made both of us realize what we mean to each other. We're not working on this because we want our family back (Though we do) we truly want to be each with other.
I'm still out of the house, but I think that may be working in our favor at this point.
We do a great job co-parenting the kids. We do family activities together and I am at the house quite often. Even though her and I are severed right now we are keeping the family intact, if that makes any sense.
BS here and I had an entire response written then realized it would hijack your post, so I will go to another board for that. Let's just say I really wish my WH would come here and talk to some of you. LOL
But keep up the good work, be there for her, keep asking what she needs. You are right that your pride and ego can't be around her when she is angry like that.
Id really like to see what you had written, did you post it? If so where?
It took a lot of soul searching and humbling to get to this point, and I still have a way to go. It hasn't been very long for him, keep the faith but don't give him any slack. He needs to see what he did and what he can lose (or actually lose it) for it to really sink in
As a BS, I can confirm that our emotions whip around the rollercoaster so fast it makes us queasy. I see it as a good sign that she's telling you what she feels. I totally agree with skan, be specific in acknowledging her hurts and fears and apologizing for them. It would do my heart a world of good to hear those types of apologies from my WH. Reading them just shows me how far he has to go....
NGU, I think you are showing remarkable compassion, courage, and even restraint. You are doing what the R manual calls for.... If you continue with the sincere effort in this, I cannot imagine that it won't pay huge dividends. Keep up the good work.
Thanks for the positive reinforcement. It really is hard sometimes, especially today for some reason. I don't get mad, I just ask too many questions or talk about how I am feeling too much. Just start fresh tomorrow I suppose...
Have you asked (begged?)
Recently she said something about letting me back in a couple months. She still keeps some of her life private from me and is really just starting to face all of this and what it will take to repair it.
She hardly asks what I'm up to, where I am, etc... I do offer information and tell her what I'm up to. I don't know if her pride won't let her ask or what. Maybe she feels since she won't tell me things I don't have to tell her. I don't think it has to be equal. Maybe I should just ask her.
There have been some pretty big elephants in the room that needed to be addressed, but I was patient and she made the step without me pushing her and somehow always just prior to me bringing it up in MC.
I'll see how the next couple weeks go