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nevergiveup10 posted 12/6/2013 07:53 AM

My BS and I had been in a good place lately, she's said she thinks this will work out. I will just take time.

We are still separated and not living together. After a seemingly good day, late at night she sent me a series of texts saying she hates me so much sometimes. I deceived her for all those months and she's just supposed to forgive me. I'm such an f'ing piece of sh*t. She doesn't know if she can ever forgive me. I 'll always be a cheater and it kept going.

I feel like something brought the hurt back to the surface and things like this are going to happen. I just need to suck it up and be there. I actually see a little positive that she shared this with me instead of venting to someone else. I suppose the improved communication can be good and bad.

Anyone dealt with this who is where I am (5 months out from D-day) or a bit further along? I'm looking for insight so I can give her what she needs right now.

Aubrie posted 12/6/2013 08:18 AM

A BS goes thru a rollercoaster of emotions. And it can change literally within seconds. One second, they are fine, then a trigger sets them off and a seething rage hits. They start doubting everything, they hate the world, they despise you. It's all part of the ride.

The best thing you can do is be understanding and patient. Don't loose your cool, don't get defensive. Answer her questions, apologize for causing her this pain. Keep working on you, figure out your whys, change your faulty behavior.

Time and consistency are key.

nevergiveup10 posted 12/6/2013 10:58 AM

Thanks, that's what I'm doing. My pride and ego have no place in conversations with her. Compassion and understanding is what I try my hardest to give her.

confused girl posted 12/7/2013 10:32 AM

The anger stage is one of the stages the BS needs to go through.

Was your BS prone to anger prior to this? If not, her raging anger may be an unknown to her, too. She will wonder where the anger comes from.

Anger will come and go but there are some time periods that are more prevalent. I hit mine right about 6 months. Things were getting a little bit better and all of a sudden the anger hit. Maybe I felt like he was "getting away with" his affair if things were going well???? I don't know.

When I was the most angry, it really helped me knowing that my WS would be there for me, no matter what venom I spewed at him. His calm love and tenderness when I was at my worst made a dramatic impact on our relationship. It helped me learn to trust him again.

astudentoflife posted 12/7/2013 17:19 PM

Sounds like you did great. No defensiveness and no talk of how it "hurt" you to hear it again.

She is going through a process and feels comfortable enough to share it with you. Be grateful for that, as it sounds as if you are.

When you are near her when she vents, reach out to her and tell her how much you love her and how incredible it is that she is still there, despite the circumstances.

Compassion and understanding is the way to go. Yay for you.

We are here to hear about your pain and your feelings about what she says. It is our job to hold you up and fill you with our victories, so you can be strong for her.

Good job nevergiveup10. You did well.

5 months...cripes you are a baby yet.

Skan posted 12/7/2013 19:08 PM

BS here.

When you apologize, be very specific. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry gets old really fast. Mainly because it's cheap and easy. Use what she's told you, and apologize specifically for her specific pain. Some examples might be:

I hate you so much sometimes.

I'm sorry for causing you to feel so much hatred. You are not a person who hates or thinks ill of people. I'm so sorry that my actions make you feel such hatred they were despicable.

You deceived me for all those months and I'm just supposed to forgive you?

You're absolutely right. I deceived you. I cheated on you. I lied to you and I betrayed you. I don't expect you to forgive that. My actions were unforgivable. I can't ever take those actions back, but I want to do everything in my power to show you that I will never betray you again. Let my actions speak for me, I want to prove to you that I can be trusted again.

You are such an f'ing piece of sh*t.

I acted like a shit to you. I betrayed you and I didn't treat you like a man should treat his wife. I treated you badly and I hurt you badly. I'm so sorry for the way I treated you. I will never treat you like this again.

You see, when you affirm her feelings and then apologize specifically for the things that you did and for the way it made/makes her feel, you affirm her. In very specific ways. You show that you are LISTENING to her pain and her hurt, you are acknowledging it, and you are specifically going to address it. When you affirm someone and their feelings, it's as if you shine a light on them, not you.

Here's another one. Apologize, specifically, at times when she isn't attacking you or triggering. My FWH is sitting next to me and we're both on our computers after a day he spent doing our flooring. Not too long ago, he spontaneously looked at me until I caught his eye, told me that he loved me, and said thank you for marrying me and thank you for giving me the opportunity to stay a part of your life. My heart drank that up like the finest wine.

Best of luck to you.

nevergiveup10 posted 12/9/2013 16:11 PM

Thank you all very much for the feedback. From what my BS has shared with me, she is just now starting to really face the emotions. I do see it as a positive thing that she shares her anger with me. I just haven't really known how to respond other than silence (Which she is ok with at times).

Thank you Skan for sharing your experience and suggestions, I will put them to good use.

Today she told me that she's not sure if she can forgive me, but she wants to forgive me. That's she's just so angry. I saw that as a huge step for us, the first time she has EVER said that she wants to. I think for 5 months we are doing pretty well. I'm doing everything I can to support her and be cool. I know this is going to take a long time, and she's worth it.

All of this has made both of us realize what we mean to each other. We're not working on this because we want our family back (Though we do) we truly want to be each with other.

I'm still out of the house, but I think that may be working in our favor at this point.

Skan posted 12/9/2013 16:48 PM

Just keep on living a life that is completely open and transparent to her, especially since you're not living together. And be with your children as much as you can. They need you as well.

nevergiveup10 posted 12/10/2013 11:21 AM

I offer even if she doesn't ask. She has not opened her life back up to me but a little, and that's fine. Much better than we were a few months ago.

We do a great job co-parenting the kids. We do family activities together and I am at the house quite often. Even though her and I are severed right now we are keeping the family intact, if that makes any sense.

Sammy2013 posted 12/10/2013 11:56 AM

Nevergiveup10, it sounds like you are doing what you need to do.

BS here and I had an entire response written then realized it would hijack your post, so I will go to another board for that. Let's just say I really wish my WH would come here and talk to some of you. LOL

But keep up the good work, be there for her, keep asking what she needs. You are right that your pride and ego can't be around her when she is angry like that.

Best wishes!!

nevergiveup10 posted 12/10/2013 13:20 PM


Id really like to see what you had written, did you post it? If so where?

It took a lot of soul searching and humbling to get to this point, and I still have a way to go. It hasn't been very long for him, keep the faith but don't give him any slack. He needs to see what he did and what he can lose (or actually lose it) for it to really sink in

StillStanding1 posted 12/10/2013 13:52 PM

Just want to hit the "like" button for what skan wrote!

As a BS, I can confirm that our emotions whip around the rollercoaster so fast it makes us queasy. I see it as a good sign that she's telling you what she feels. I totally agree with skan, be specific in acknowledging her hurts and fears and apologizing for them. It would do my heart a world of good to hear those types of apologies from my WH. Reading them just shows me how far he has to go....

NGU, I think you are showing remarkable compassion, courage, and even restraint. You are doing what the R manual calls for.... If you continue with the sincere effort in this, I cannot imagine that it won't pay huge dividends. Keep up the good work.

nevergiveup10 posted 12/10/2013 17:44 PM

Still Standing

Thanks for the positive reinforcement. It really is hard sometimes, especially today for some reason. I don't get mad, I just ask too many questions or talk about how I am feeling too much. Just start fresh tomorrow I suppose...

Mrs Panda posted 12/10/2013 18:08 PM

Can u get back in the house? It is very hard to work on R while separated. Might be more comfortable, but hard for her to verify things and easy for you to just avoid her anger.

Have you asked (begged?)

nevergiveup10 posted 12/10/2013 18:59 PM

One thing about my BS, she doesn't like to be pushed or pressured. I would love nothing more than to be back, but she's just not ready yet.

Recently she said something about letting me back in a couple months. She still keeps some of her life private from me and is really just starting to face all of this and what it will take to repair it.

She hardly asks what I'm up to, where I am, etc... I do offer information and tell her what I'm up to. I don't know if her pride won't let her ask or what. Maybe she feels since she won't tell me things I don't have to tell her. I don't think it has to be equal. Maybe I should just ask her.

There have been some pretty big elephants in the room that needed to be addressed, but I was patient and she made the step without me pushing her and somehow always just prior to me bringing it up in MC.

I'll see how the next couple weeks go

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