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leapoffaith86 posted 12/6/2013 08:52 AM

Since I found out, I've been stalking the HW on facebook, at the beginning it was to find out more, then to learn a little from her, to see what he saw in her, to be a little like her? Now, I still do it,in part to see if there's any sign of contact again... and I'm emarrassed to admit it, but to see how she's doing. Well, I saw the other day a post titled "wherever you are, all the love baby!" and she shared a poem that, some time ago my husband had liked in a page that they both used to adminster, which was very likely, originally shared by him. She also changed her cover pic to one that he used to like. Maybe I'm imagining it, but looks like she misses him. and if she's actually suffering for him I am happy, and that makes me a horrible person.

bionicgal posted 12/6/2013 08:58 AM

Her suffering is about her. Her affair was about her, not your husband. Who knows, you may be reading all kinds of stuff into it, but if it brings you peace, kudos to you!

eachdayisvictory posted 12/6/2013 09:23 AM

I just want to share my beliefs, with the knowledge that they are beliefs of mine and not facts.

For you (absolutely NOT for the other woman), please make an action plan to stop looking at anything to do with the OW. It is so, SO hard to do, it is very addictive, and that makes sense given what a BS is managing, but it is so SO damaging to the BS, WS and the marriage.

When I had a second dday, I began obsessively checking her facebook page to ensure that I knew what I needed to in order to make my decisions. One day (about 6 months later), I realized how absolutely terrible this obsession was for me, how low it made me to see that face, and how that act was the biggest factor in my low feelings.

In order to stop, I had to come clean to my fWH, and ask for support from my friend and sister. I got them to change the password to the account I was using (I don't actually have my own FB account), and told them about my intentions. It was hard. Really hard. It felt like I was giving up something again, and I craved the comfort of looking at the OW face and sinking into the darkness because of it.

Slowly but surely, life for ME improved. I had a few snags and hiccups and slipped here and there, but once I genuinely stopped looking into the OW, I became free. I still bring her up if I have a trigger or concern with my H, but we deal with it together now.

I believe that if I had continued to check the facebook page of the OW daily, our marriage would be certain to fail. For me, the hope of our M and R would have vanished, and I would have played a huge part in that.

It is so important for us BSs to do the hardest part of our end of things and put the AP down. Don't carry her with you. Who cares if she misses him, she has nothing to do with you or your marriage and doesn't deserve to be a part of it.

KatieG posted 12/6/2013 09:33 AM

leapoffaith I totally understand your compulsion to look, I do it, but eachday has helped me decide not to look anymore, what's the point?

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 12/6/2013 09:45 AM

I was obsessed as well. Couldn't get enough. I found a picture where she was much more attractive than I had first realized and it sent me into a huge downward spiral.
Then I found one where she looked hideous- one was professional shot, the ugly one was a casual shot at one of her "galas"- cuz you know, she's such a pillar of the community.

Sorry- your post, didn't mean to tangent.

My point- I had to stop. I was keeping her in the M. I was torturong myself and my H because of my obsessive need to know everything about her- not the A, but her. It interfered with my own thought process. He wasn't talking about her all the time- I was. And that's wrong. I had to let her go.

But it's like quittin smoking- you KNOW it's bad for you, but you still want that cigarette. After you quit, you may miss some of it but you have to realize how awful it is for you. You chew gum or exercise or do ANYTHING but have that cigarette and then the moment passes and you feel great for having the strength to get through that weak moment.

You need to heal. Give yourself permission to stop picking at this particular scab. Do it for yourself. You have been hurt enough and don't need to add to your own pain.

My end day for looking? Once I found the ugly pic that showed her flaws- I decided that was the image of her that would say in my brain. And I stopped digging for more.

I think if you give yourself a break, you will be surprise how much easier your week or day was when you didn't look.

I wish you peace and happy right now :)