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qwerty2012 posted 12/6/2013 10:30 AM

There was a post in R about BS's feeling true love.

That post really hit me hard.
We have one life to live - and one shot at true love - and my actions obliterated our only chance.
I want my W to find true love - i want her to find true happiness - true peace. How do i give that gift to her?

It is particularly hard on a day like today, when the sight of me torments her. What do i say, what do i do?

heartache101 posted 12/6/2013 10:45 AM

You can not give her that. You need to work on you and continue to grow positvely. True love what is that? Is that a feeling you want to give her? Who is to say 2 years down the road you worked hard you showed her the man she knew you could be the man she needs. At this point she may feel she has her true love. Or she may never believe in true love like she doesnt believe in Santa. It is a myth she may feel True Love is a myth that is for her to work out not you.

caspers1wish posted 12/6/2013 10:50 AM

I like to think I'm a realist, so please don't think I'm trying to be intentionally harsh with my words.

We have one life to live - and one shot at true love

I don't think that's necessarily true, about one shot at true love. And what really is true love btw? I don't think I have a good handle on what true love is, but I think it's more of an idealistic view of love. What happens if your true love dies? Leaves you? Hurts you? Were they really your true love then?

I want my W to find true love - i want her to find true happiness - true peace. How do i give that gift to her?

You can't give people happiness, love and peace. Those things come from within. As waywards, we realize that we've been looking to other people to make us happy, feel loved, and peaceful. Filling those buckets are each our own jobs to fill, not others, and that is the best gift you can give to someone, that you own your own happiness, or lack thereof. We can do things to promote another's happiness, but essentially, true happiness and peace are not contingent upon another person.

It is particularly hard on a day like today, when the sight of me torments her.

I'm sorry you both are hurting today. It feels impossible at times, that the despair will never lift, that the pain is too unbearable. Comfort her, reassure her, hold her. Healing takes so much time, be patient.

qwerty2012 posted 12/6/2013 11:05 AM

I have questioned my love for my W ... and while it is an ongoing process ....

True love for me is the feeling i get when i feel completely safe, completely secure, hopelessly in love and infatuated with, not at all anxious, desire both mentally and physically, would do anything for, unconditional support, cherish, to be with her without a care in the world, freedom to say anything, acceptance for all imperfections, ... the one and only person who i want to share my life (my love, my trials and tribulations) with ..

Granted some of those are internal and have nothing to do with my partner - but myself. When i say i want to give her the gift of true love - i meant i want her to be able to feel true love (her definition might be different from mine).

I want her (and I), to wake up some morning in each other arms - without thinking about the past, without thinking about the future - just want to be peaceful in the present together.

I want to add ... that when i felt IT in the past - i felt 'peace' and it had a physical affect on me - everything around me, my mind and body were paused for that moment - almost like my heart slowed down and stopped. Thinking about that moment is the only thing that stops me from spinning out of control.

Maybe it is fantasy ... maybe it is another problem of mine .... maybe another coping mechanism ...

[This message edited by qwerty2012 at 11:25 AM, December 6th (Friday)]

hopingforhappy posted 12/6/2013 12:08 PM

It has been said on SI before, many times, that love is about actions, not feelings. I have come to truly believe that. I think that, as a society, we have been taught to romanticize the concept of love too much. We expect things to be too perfect, too sanitized. We have all been watching too many movies and reading too many novels, thinking they were how life should really be. I think I have found real, true love--and I have done it by seeing my FWH for the real person (flaws and all) that he is, not the Knight in Shining Armor I might wish him to be and loving him anyway. He does the same for me. Life is messy and unpleasant at times (why did my parents never tell me about that?) We all have problems, even though you look at friends and neighbors sometimes and think "Wow, I wish I had their life." I am pretty sure I have no idea what their life is really like. Probably just as messy as mine.

I do agree that true love, true happiness and true peace come from yourself, not others. Maybe it starts to come when you stop thinking about the perfect concept of these things and just start going out there and living them to the best of your ability every day. Our MC has told us that feelings are just feelings, they don't really mean anything and they change all the time. Actions are what really matter and the good news is, you can change your actions whenever you want to.

You can someday be peaceful in the present together, but it takes a lot of work (from both of you) to get there. Have you tried mindfulness?

Joanh posted 12/6/2013 14:23 PM

Is hard,
I believed it should be a feeling, well feelings are fleeting, they becomes different each day, one day something makes you happy the next day it doesn't. This is something I am learning.

I think the term here is rainbows and unicorns, or something as such. INFATUATION! That is not real love. Because at that point you do not see the faults of the other. ITS all feelings.

Love is hard work, Its being open, honest, doing things for each other, agreeing to disagree, respect your spouse opnion, and just being "loving" towards them.
My BH said it the other day, its a decision for him. Not a feeling, yes that part is there too. I have it too. I would be missing part of me if he was gone. Now it has been said that's codependency. But for me he would be a huge part of me gone. that's the feeling part for me. Cliché, He completes me. He has the characteristics and personality I find beautiful.

Everyday now, I think of things to do that will show him my love, my respect my care, that he is important. The 5 love languages is an awesome book.
It feels somewhat contrived, or at least it did to me in the beginning. I thought why should I have to tell him what I need to feel loved. But once you read it, just the fact you do it or your spouse does it for you, says LOVE. Its and action. They or yourself is thinking how can I make him feel or see my love. And its a choice. Choice is Huge!
Anyways I have a tendency to ramble. I hope some of this makes sense.

astudentoflife posted 12/7/2013 07:11 AM

We have one life to live - and one shot at true love - and my actions obliterated our only chance.

Your posts have a lot of absolutes in them. I don't have the full picture of your life with your wife, I am assuming that she is still there. Am I correct?

Do you trust your wife? Do you trust she makes the right decisions? Do you think your wife is weak or strong?

These are important questions that may help you answer your question about true love.

My wife has been here through the worst years of abuse, infidelity and madness that anyone could go through. At first I hated her for her "weakness" of staying with me "a monster". I was so off the chain that most "sane" people would have left my sorry ass a long time before. However, after I cam e out of the insanity which was my life, I realized my wife had true love for me. It was not reciprocated. It was unconditional. It made her sad. Angry. Hurt. She still abided because she chose to love a part of me that was hidden from anyone else but her.

If it is a case of your wife still being there, then stop with the self flagellation (put as kindly as I can honestly) and begin to work on the inner man whom your wife does love. Sure you don't look so good to yourself today, do something about it and build on that, for your wifes sake. To give her that true love she is looking for. KWIM? Make it your quest to be the man that your wife looks at with great love and affection. You are right we have only one life and use that to be the best that you can be, without any excuses or "yeah buts".

Kindly now, your posts have a "I can't control my life and it is shit" feel to them. That is wrong on so many levels. You take control of your life. Stop with the things that hurt your marriage, right now and develop the control you want and desire so badly. It is almost as if you excuse yourself because you are a "loser" after all. I used to actually quite love my attitude of "I a such a shit" and then would go on to do even more shitty stuff to make that even more true. It was a beat the shit out of myself love fest and it hurts those that we do love.

I used not to reach out to my wife because of feelings just like yours. I finally reached a point where I do reach out to her, especially when we have been argueing or she is hurting and the response is overwhelming. Reach past yourself toward your wife and her feelings. Stop the self recrimination which is damaging your life. You will be amazed. You have power that you are unaware of.

[This message edited by astudentoflife at 7:12 AM, December 7th (Saturday)]

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