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Make it after multiple affairs?

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WaWaNJ posted 12/6/2013 10:57 AM

My husband wants R but there have now been multiple affairs.

I am ready to walk out, getting my ducks in a row. My new apartment is ready, but I told him he can continue to try as I don't want to stay but I don't want to lie… right now I don't want to stay but i don't want to go.

WaWaNJ posted 12/6/2013 10:59 AM

And, my question was, do people REALLY make it after multiple affairs?

what does it take?

Dawnie posted 12/6/2013 11:07 AM

Some people may be able to do it but there is no way in hell I would... I would rather live without him than to live with the anxiety and constant worry of him doing it again, and again and again. You deserve so much more than this....

((WaWa))

steadfast1973 posted 12/6/2013 13:03 PM

I hope so. I do know this is his last shot. The third time will be the charm. My grandma chased my grandpa for years... To the detriment of her children. That will not be me.

heforgotme posted 12/6/2013 13:10 PM

my question was, do people REALLY make it after multiple affairs?

I do not have to deal with this. Luckily (??). But my feeling is not for number of A's but for DDays. I think DDay is the day that remorseful spouses start waking up. Start coming out of the fog and realizing what they've done. If you have multiple A's, but only one DDay, I would lump them all in together.. Multiple DDays are another story.

heartache101 posted 12/6/2013 13:27 PM

I think it depends on what state of mind the WS is. Remorseful? Transparent? Ready to work on the marriage and not live in fantasyland. If the BS is willing to try? My FWS had multiples all close together. The stage of life you are in. Now I have no small children I would not take a DDday. I would pack him up and send him on his way. Anything is possible just matters if the WS and BS are ready for 5 years of repair work on the marriage.

WaWaNJ posted 12/9/2013 08:09 AM

Wow! So much insight. Thank you, all!

I wish it were clear what I wanted.

ladycody posted 12/9/2013 08:54 AM

I'm with steadfast...I hope so but this is it...and only time will tell.

cl131716 posted 12/9/2013 09:38 AM

I'm not sure what I am going through would constitute as multiple affairs. I do consider my WS a serial cheater, however. He cheated on his ex-wife, I thought only once (PA all but sex) but recently found out he basically had an EA near the end of their marriage as well. He was "talking to someone else" (basically an EA but we weren't yet married) shortly after we started dating and an EA (overly flirtatious and some sexting) with a co-worker before we were even married a year.

Will we make it? I don't really know but I do know if he doesn't work on his FOO issues or change whatever factor there is that causes him to stray it will happen again!

Morhurt posted 12/9/2013 10:25 AM

I agree with heforgotme, my H had multiple affairs but only one DD. If he ever has another it will be whole different story. He is very remorseful and transparent etc. He's a different man in so many (good) ways. The number of affairs hurts me of course but it's not the same (to me) as if there had been numerous DDays.

NoMorDeceit posted 12/9/2013 20:43 PM

Yes, there is hope.

My H had multiple affairs and they were revealed over 3 D-Days all within the same week. Lots of affairs. Several long term, one was 5+ years. I still don't have an exact number and 4.5 years later it doesn't matter.

What does it take? It takes a serial offender truly committed to changing and creating/maintaining boundaries. It takes a BS willing to end it vs rug sweep for one second. It takes both parties accepting that it will take years to be OK.

Don't rush into R. Take your time.

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