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How long until the roller coaster evens out?

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HurtinginSoCal posted 12/6/2013 11:53 AM

First, thank you for approving me. It was a week ago, maybe, however with the roller coaster I've been on, I've just been unable to post yet.

Here's my story…(sorry, don't know the abbrev yet and I apologize in advance for the length)

Been married almost 19 years, together 2 years prior to that, have 3 kids, 16,14, and 11. On the eve of our oldest's 16th bday (about 3 weeks ago), I wanted to look up on the internet and grabbed WH's iPad on the bed next to him (he was asleep). I know the passcode so on it went to his emails where he'd obviously been last. There popped up, arriving in his email about a half hour earlier was an email from the OW, an employee of his, that said "Sweet dreams my love, xoxo". Of course I immediately woke him up asking what in the H--- was this. Taking him out of a sleep stupor he just said and repeated, "I don't know". After a few times of asking if he's kissed her, he said no once, was quiet after a few more then admitted yes.

What it came down to….he swears up and down to this day, on the lives of our children and anything that means anything to him, that they did not have sex. This was a 6 month EA and while he said it was just holding hands, kissing, and talking, I'm sure sex wasn't too far off as I had found a recent email where he was jealous of the time her friends get with her on the weekends and was asking her for more time. It would have happened. She told her husband they didn't have sex as well and I've asked him up and down if they had any denial pact. He says no.

OMG, there are so many things about this that just kill me and I'm on such an emotional roller coaster right now. Last Friday I was ready to leave him. Things got better then he hid that she contacted him -yes, work related- and that he was going in to work and would be seeing her. I understand that it's for work, but MC said to start with NC and 100% transparence, so he's been working from home. He said he had to go in for a meeting with a customer, but deliberately left out that he had to see her…even it being 100% work and with his sister or bil present (fam business). And he trashed the email telling her he'd be in to see her while leaving her original email in the inbox.

To back track a little, DDAy was on a Wednesday night. Thursday I told her husband, mine came home to talk then at OW's husband's request, we met them at a park. At that point, they were done and getting divorced. At home, mine wanted to fix us. At the park in her presence, he stepped down from me saying he didn't think we were repairable, but he didn't step up to her and say he wanted to be with her. The OW and her husband left the park and we were still there and he broke down with me saying that he wanted to fix us. I'm glad he did not step up to her, but hated how his tune changed in her presence. He went back to work and told her goodbye, said he stayed away from her and then came home early. The next morning her husband called me and said she came home that night wanting to work on their marriage. She obviously wanted my husband to choose her. We started MC that Monday and haver been going 2X per week. I'd go everyday if I could.

I hate what he did to us and our family. I hate that he assumed that his feelings that brought him to that place weren't able to be brought to me. He thought it would be a huge blow-up. Of course he knows that would have been better than the choices he made, hurting me and our family, and what we're going through now because of it. I hate that I love him and I CHOSE to continue to love him when the "honeymoon" wore off, but he CHOSE differently. I hate that he never listened to me…I saw this coming, basically, 3-4 years ago. I even asked him to stay away from her. He said they were just friends, there was nothing between them and she was in no way his type. I remember telling him you don't tell the opposite sex about your problems. I remember telling him I wanted him nowhere around her. I told him I wanted him to fire her. Obviously he couldn't do that. I pleaded with him to stay away from her. Don't go to lunch with her (he said a bunch of them always go to lunch together). I asked him to never go alone with her to lunch, to never be alone with her and that she never ride in his car, let alone the front seat…MY seat. He just tried to reassure me nothing was going on and maybe it wasn't then. So two weeks later I pass him on the road and there she is in his car, my seat. I called him out on it….business meeting, there were people in the backseat, too, and some in another car even. Here we are a few years later and WOW. never argue with woman's intuition, right?!?

I want to move forward, I don't want the pain, I think I wish I didn't love him so it would be easier. He's broken down to me several times, swears he loves me, never wanted to leave me, just didn't feel loved by me. Yes, I will admit, "we" were on the back burner. He was busy with work and I'm a SAHM and a school volunteer. My energies were placed where they were needed…OUR children. I figured once the youngest was in high school then we'd refocus to us. I never knew we were THIS bad off and never given the chance to push forward the "refocus" timeline that was in my head.

We have GREAT highs and lows we get through fairly easy and we've had 3 REALLY low lows since that hurt so much. I've lost almost 10 pounds already and last night was my first panic attack. I don't know how long I can do this…or how long he can do this. I don't want him staying because of guilt and don't want him saying what he thinks I want/need to hear. I, crazy enough, want to trust him and think I trust what he says, but how stupidly insane is that?!?. At the same time I have no problems saying what I feel and when I feel them. I don't want him apologizing all the time. He keeps saying he just got so bitter and couldn't talk to me. I don't want him to get sick of apologizing that the bitterness that appears to be gone begins to grow again and the sorry's are insincere.

I'm sorry, I know I've rambled…I'm great with my thoughts in the moment, but in the quiet they just run and run and run around my head like crazy.

[This message edited by HurtinginSoCal at 12:34 PM, December 6th (Friday)]

Daddo posted 12/6/2013 15:59 PM

This is all way, way too soon for you know what you want. You have taken a major emotional blow - you lying on the ground bleeding - you can't know what you want from your marriage. You need at least 6 months to heal, to see if you can stand the sight of him, to see if you can start to trust him, to see if you want to spend your life with him.

The point is that best case is that you make your marriage a safe place for the next 6-9 months while the rollercoaster runs its course. Set expectations - yours and his - that there won't be much love or affection during this time. Try to be kind to each other - and get him to agree to a policy of NO CONTACT, and complete openness (every email and phone account, bills . . . you should be able to see everything without question or argument).

Marriages can be repaired - and they are a terrible thing to waste. So give it time, understand that you will need time before getting off the coaster

Hugs and good luck

TheHardestThing posted 12/7/2013 10:03 AM

I don't know if what I do is good for me let alone good for anyone else, but I'll share what I do when I can find information about my wife's affair. I try to decide if I am trying to feed my pain or I am seeking clarity when she is lying to me. So for example if there is not something new going on, I won't look at her secure Email though I could. Sure, I am dying to know just what she and the other guy are thinking and doing, but does it really matter? I won't trust her until she is worthy of trust and there is nothing there I will read that will get me to trust her.

But when she describes this long explanation of how she is going one place for 3 days and will be out of touch and I ask her if she is lying and she says "no" I went on her Email to see she that she had plane tickets to where he lives. Sure, that was painful and the panic attack came and went until her trip was over, but on the other hand I felt empowered by knowing what was really going on.

I am struggling with many feelings about confrontation when she lies, but I know I am not ready yet and I have to let that come when it is right for me.

And for the roller coaster? I have ten rules adopted from many generous people who have helped me. Rule 7: Though it may feel like the pain will kill you, it won't. And though the path seems impossible to see, it will present itself. And when you are ready, you will follow it.

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