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MrKabosh posted 12/6/2013 14:06 PM

So I have decided I need to share my story, and seek support.
First, let me share some info about my relationship. I am MrKabosh, Dallas Tx.
Married, white male. 50 Years old. She is also 50. Married 25 years and not a single issue ever. We have only had maybe 5 arguments in 25 years so I really thought life was grand.
We felt like we had a decent sex life, given that she was carrying a lot of extra weight, and quiet self conscious about it, right up until I became deathly ill in 2008. Several months and 4 or 5 surgeries later, I began a lengthy healing process of almost 2 years. Most every mussel in my lower abdomen was cut and re connected, sex was not an option for me, to give or receive.
Finally, in 2010 I had healed enough but had significant difficulty with both my “junk” and stamina for several months. She had lap band surgery and lost a ton of weight, and I was on the mend and determined to have a healthy sex life, after all, I got my smoking hot wife back and now she was gaining self esteem steadily .
About two years ago, our youngest child moved out on her own. As new empty nesters, we didn't quite know how to occupy our time. Our sex life has had it’s up’s and down’s. You know how it is while your raising kids, We had our Saturday night routine, a few drinks, SNL, We made the effort to light some candles and play our favorite itunes playlist, and a lot romantic Talk, massages and what ever.
We realized our relationship was changing, evolving into an extremely sexual kind of affair,so one night, we had the talk. She explained that she wanted to grow and enjoy our new found love for each other, but it would be up to me to lead the way. She was defiantly enjoying sex a lot more, but I had to take control in bed. I was always the kinkier of the two, she is conservative, but would go along if I took her hand. Fast forward to last month, Early November. We have come a long way. With help from my doc, I have been on ed therapy for two years, and we are extremely active in the bed room. I would say we had sex at least 3 times a week, and as many as 15, especially on our “Saturday Night” I am always looking to up the naughty factor to keep it hot and it seems to be working. Were madly in love and things have never been better for us. She travels once a month, always 2.5 to 3 day’s for work. Always to one client, and has been on this route for 5 years.
On one of her trips, I used her zip drive to move files from my pc at work to one I use at home. I was looking for an owners manual for my lawn tractor, and entered a simple search term to find it, and OMG, what popped up was a file that originated from a series of text messages, with the ceo of the company she visits every month, and spends countless hours on the phone/computer with. It was one line that read “ I will advise on that report later today, I have to run my lawn mower, or as I like to refer to it as my riding vibrator !!!
WTF, I’m fucking shocked. She has never said anything to anyone that in appropriate in a personal relationship with, much less a professional one. I kept reading, many, many lines of text messages, spanning several day’s. Among the legitimate lines, there were a few, getting more and more like sexting, flirting Is not over reacting at all. Several times, masturbation, wet panties, tired hands, shit like that kept popping out, some by her and some by him. I’m getting madder by the minuet. I spent an entire night searching for more, and I found several more strings, each more obvious that she is carrying on a mental affair with this guy. I soon found where they knew it was wrong but they were both hooked , and referred to each other as pen pal’s. His sex life with his wife was in the toilet, hers was off the hook. She liked to tell him what we were doing in bed, with out really mentioning me. Things like the fact we have several toy’s,a stripper pole, and some restraining equipment. She made him aware of the fact she liked to be tied down an screwed really hard. He would ask her shit like how long did we take, how many times did she get off, was it a little wet, or a fucking flood,
You like to be a bad girl don’t you. Then I found references to pictures she was sending him. There weren't very many, but they were pictures she originally took and sent to me. Nothing very dirty, mostly of her legs, sometimes bare and sometimes with some hot shoes or boots I had her wear. Some Saturday night’s, we would go in to marathon sessions. We would screw each other for 2 to 4 hours, several times a night. She would go to kitchen to get something, and come back with her phone in hand. Disappear to the bathroom, phone in hand. Giving him a play by play to her orgasm's ,while he admittedly jacked off. I could not believe what I was seeing. I went from mad as a hornet, to really turned on at times,after all, she is bragging about how well she get’s off with me, to another man who isn't
getting it at home. But then just crushed, absolutely fucking crushed. My wife is having a mental sexual affair with a co worker.
While I was digging away at the hard drive, I found absolutely nothing else, except her list of passwords. So off I went. Facebook, Yahoo mail, even her company issued credit card account, personal and work computer’s.I thoroughly searched every nook and cranny. I found nothing else and I was confident there was nothing else to find. From all I could see, it never was a physical thing at all. They never said anything like I would do this to you, or will you do that for me kind of shit. Nothing that indicated they had ever hooked up or anything like that. But still, I am mad enough to kill them both. I am extremely a jealous type, and that never makes any thing better. So, I sit on this new found info for two more days, until I pick her up at the airport. As soon as she sat down and buckled in, I told her this would be the most uncomfortable ride of her life, and proceeded to ask the famous questions :
Are you truthful with me ?
Why yes, I am.
Are you hiding anything from me ?
Why no, I never do
Should I ask any questions about Mr. Shithead you work with ?
Why, no, we are strictly professional.
Bullshit, I will ask the question again, Do I need to know anything about Mr. Shithead you work with ?
Long silence......You have been in my computer haven't you.
I was met with the why are you invading my privacy, we didn't do anything wrong. Typical Bill Clinton type shit.
At this point, she knows I found something, but not sure what and how much. I was careful not to let her know exactly what I DID find, so not to show all of my cards.
I Treated her like shit for three day’s,and got stinking drunk a few times Throwing her down on the bed to fuck the shit out of her, and making it hurt a little, just to remind her she is my fucking wife. Untill I was ready to talk about it. I still cant believe it, My prude, conservative wife was carrying on like this, and they both new better. Even mentioning it several times.
So that is my story, and now like the rest of you, looking for answers, what did I not do, or do well enough. Why cant I stimulate her mind ,why did she need something like this ? It has to be my fault, doesn't it ? Sorting this out in my head is not going too well, I go from a happy moment, to raving mad in seconds. She is trying so hard to make it better, to fix what she broke, and I just don’t know how to accept it, and move forward. Any advise from those who have experienced it would be much help.
I feel a little better, just getting this out.

lieshurt posted 12/6/2013 14:22 PM

It has to be my fault, doesn't it ?

First, I just want to say welcome neighbor. I'm in Houston

Second, no this isn't your fault at all. Most of us immediately think we did something to cause our partners to cheat, but reality is we didn't. She made a choice to cheat. And yes, sexting is cheating.

Check out the healing library. There is a lot of useful information there. Also, check out the "I Can Relate" forum. There is a topic for Betrayed Men there and you will find a lot of support there from other men.

Anyhow, keep posting. We'll help as much as we can.

better4me posted 12/6/2013 14:39 PM

I wish there was a way I could remove the question mark from the title of this thread and replace it with a exclamation mark or ten.

She violated your trust. That is cheating.
She violated the sanctity of your sexual relationship and your bed. That is cheating.
She had cyber sex. That is cheating.
She lied to you about it. That is cheating.
She knew what she was doing was wrong and did it anyway. That is cheating.
She took something that was private and between you and she and made it someone else's fantasy. That is cheating.

Usually, on line sex, especially with someone who is known and with whom in real life contact can be made leads to in person sex. I would really wouldn't trust that they did not have sexual relations since he is someone that she knows, had in real life contact with, visited every month. Cyber sex is often a precursor to in person sex. Keep checking on her behavior and on line activity. Sometimes when it is discovered, affairs continue underground. She needs to go no contact with him as much as possible since he is someone she works with.

I'm sorry that you've found yourself here. We call it the club no one wants to belong to. But it is a very supportive club. You'll find help and understanding here. It takes time and work to get to the place where you can "accept this and move forward", it isn't something that can be rushed. The I Can Relate forum also has a thread for the spouses of cheaters who work with their affair partner. Check out the article in the healing library that talks about no contact contracts. Keep posting, keep reading, you'll find support and help here.

jo2love posted 12/6/2013 14:59 PM

MrKabosh -

Welcome to SI. Please review the site guidelines (link below). We have a no politics guideline. No names, jokes, polls or debates are allowed.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/guidelines.asp

Also, you will find a wealth of information in our Healing Library (link below).

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq.asp

Secrets Kept posted 12/6/2013 15:06 PM

I am so sorry but I agree with "better4me".

The whole time reading your post, I thought.....she has had to spend a few days each month with this man out of town for 5 years but never any sex!?!? After reading all of the sexual stuff in their texts, plus he is supposedly not getting any at home, but yet nothing EVER happened? Just not sure I could buy that one.

bobf posted 12/6/2013 15:10 PM

God I am so sorry you have a wife that is cheating on you. Whether they touched or not is irrelevant as has been pointed out. Also, there is a good chance that they have done more than texted as they meet regularly in real life.

How is she acting now? Did she come completely clean and confess everything? Is she remorseful? She should go no contact maybe even if it means she has to switch accounts at some cost to her professional life or even switch jobs. It is going to be hard for this to end between them if they see each other regularly. Finally , you owe it to the betrayed other woman to tell her what her husband and spouse have done. Online and physical affairs are fantasies that end real quick when real life breaks into the fantasy. Secrecy helps the fantasy to continue.

tushnurse posted 12/6/2013 15:17 PM

Welcome - First of all I want to tell you this, and I want you to repeat a million times if you have to to get where you accept believe and know it to be true.

"I did NOT cause this, My wife is broken, and needs help, she did not choose to do this because of anything I did or did not do in our relationship."

YOU are not the cause of this. IT was her choice to do this, and I suspect that she felt like shit about herself for a long time, and whenshe lost the weight, and became an empty nester she started getting good compliments, and liked the way it felt, she enjoyed the extra attention, and she was off to the races...

YOU do need to do a few things to protect yourself, one go to the Dr get tested for STD's talk to the Dr about meds to help you sleep, and eat if you are having trouble with that. You know one thing for sure and that is your wife is pretty good at hiding things and lying to you, so you really need to make sure that you have not been exposed to any diseases, and if you are considering staying and working through this I would make her go get tested as well. If she fights this, then she doesn't get what she has done, and will most likely continue to do it, and lie to you.

You do need to see an attorney and get advice on how things would play out if you have to head down the road to D. The reason I say this is because many people choose to stay, or feel stuck because they are so afraid of the unknown, or assume they know what will happen, and often they don't have accurate information, plus you need to protect yourself financially.

No Contact absolutely needs to be established with this clown, and if she is unable to do it beccause of work then she needs to start looking for a new job. PERIOD. If he has a spouse she should also know, and no matter what he has told your wife, you don't know what the home sitatuation really is. Again all you do know is he has questionable values, and boundaries.

Again if she is unwilling to do this, and unwilling to be an open book to you then she doesn't get it, and you won't be in a good position to heal.

You do get to be in the drivers seat as far as recovery goes. You get to make all the decisions, it really is quite a gift for the BS to offer up R.

Know that you didn't cause this, know that your wife is broken and needs help, and until she figures out her why, your relationship is at risk. R is possible but it takes time, and hard work from both spouses.

Keep reading here, keep posting, and know that you are safe here.

(((and strength))))

MrKabosh posted 12/9/2013 12:48 PM

We had several sit down "talks" and I think for the most part, she has come clean, Some of Ya'll are spot on, she gained a lot of self confidence and suddenly, guy's are paying attention to her. I almost understand how it happened, over a long period of time, started out as friendly banter, one of them said "texted" something inappropriate, the other didn't say, whoa this is wrong. He is younger by 10 years, and here is this guy who is in charge of this giant company taking a liking to her. I still call bullshit, fact is it was wrong, she knew it and tushnurse is correct, she obviously put a lot of thought into hiding it for almost Two Years. She confessed that the last texting session they had was only a week or so before I found out, so there was no intentions of quitting. At first, she denied access to her phone and I'm sure there was a lot more on it she didn't want me to see, and after several day's she offered the password. No doubt it was cleaned up before I saw it. So far, I haven't gone through it, but I check randomly to see if password has changed, and told her to do so will be considered same as guilt. We have been looking at transfer within the company, and she claimed to have informed him that I know, so I'm sure he could clean up his trail in case I do notify his wife. I have kept a close eye on her personal e mail and FB accounts {the OM looks like a chubby, wimpy geek and I have his wife's email addr.}, but if she goes underground, I probably wont find anything else. I take great comfort in the fact that I had two day's to dig, and boy did I dig, and yet found nothing. Even her communications with her best friend failed to indicated that she was anything other than my loving, loyal wife, however I wont get fooled again. I have done something to help collect evidence, and it makes me sick that I would stoop to such a level, but what choice do I have.
I'm also hesitant to contact his wife, let him sweat for a while, loose some fucking sleep you POS. And am I stupid or what, I feel no need to share the pain it has caused me, with his wife, there kid's, although I think it a good idea to go out there and kick his ass !
I'm also going to change my approach to this problem, I'm going to tell her that come clean now, and we have a chance, lie to me and I find out later, it will be you, who looses me if you haven't already. Up to now I've been afraid I will loose her, and yes, I do still love her. I am so deeply IN LOVE with her, even after 25 years.
I will also offer this advise to newly BS's
Gather as much evidence as you can, bite your tongue for as long as you can and NEVER give up your sources too soon. This was my biggest mistake to date. I am sure the answers to my questions were there on her phone and I was far to angry to Waite to confront her, now I may never get all of the facts.

Something else that is bothering me, is that anything mentioned in there messages to one another, like her boots, or a song lyrics, now infuriate me. I used to love Pink Floyd but play it now and you might get punched in the mouth. I feel like little pieces of my sole are getting torn off every time, and the whole is getting bigger by the day.

painfulpast posted 12/9/2013 13:05 PM

Welcome.

My H did his cheating via text, phone calls and FB also, so I know what you're going through.

It's fun knowing that, as soon as you were done having sex, she was off to tell him. That her thoughts of his activities were what she focused on, not you, not the mood, but telling him. Oh, the joy, right? Yeah, mine talked about our sex too. It's disgusting, and a complete invasion of privacy, and the trust that has to be there for a good, healthy sexual relationship is gone.

As far as telling his wife - you should tell her. Who cares if he sweats or loses sleep. If she had discovered this, would you want her to tell you? Besides, you only found evidence of this one man with your wife. What if that isn't true on his end? What if he has a few women, or dozens? His wife deserves the truth, just like you did. How would you like knowing that everyone knew but you? Also, she will watch him the same way you are now watching your wife. Isn't two better than one?

I'm sure this was an ego boost for your wife. Getting a guy off just by telling him about herself? Of course! The weight is gone, the kids are gone, and she's feeling better about herself. You couldn't give her that boost because she knows you, and you're supposed to want her. This guy? Well this is forbidden, but he wants her so much he's willing to risk it. The thing is he was using her just like she was using him. It's a sick game these cheaters play - they all want that validation, that ego boost, because inside they feel low and useless. Sad that to get their egos boosted we get to be crushed, huh?

So just know this is not your fault, in any way. This isn't what you did or didn't do. This is her, her issues, her brokenness, her cheating.

Please, tell his wife. You don't want to share the pain - that's nice of you, but again, would you rather have the truth and this pain, or would you rather keep being lied to and thinking your life was just fine? I think I know the answer. Please. let her in on her real life.

betrayed13yrs posted 12/13/2013 13:28 PM

First, I think my WH has always been a cheater, but anyway, here's my perspective on sexting......

Three years ago I found out that my WH was texting another woman OFF THE HOOK!!! It was actually his friend's GF. Anyway, I was devastated and hurt. He claims that they were only friends and that she'd talk to him about her boyfriend. I even talked to her on the phone. She said it was nothing and that she would NEVER be with a married man, "I've been cheated on and know how it feels. I am so sorry if you felt that way because I would never do that to someone!" Ya ya, whatever whore. Anywho, about a year and a half later I checked his phone record, the first time I'd ever snooped on him in ten years. They were still texting, sending extremely explicit pics, talking on the phone for hours, and I'm certain meeting up. I watched this for six months (along with the other women's numbers that I didn't recognize). I finally left one night when he was out of town with "Friends". He came home and I had literally cleaned the entire house out. The only thing left was a recliner and all the pics of her and the ones he had sent her, the phone records of all the corespondents he'd been having with multiple other women, and a note that basically said I'm done and my divorce papers will be in the mail. Well, I went back (I know, fucking stupid). We went to counseling, he became a better dad, blah blah blah blah. I've known for the past two years that it didn't ever really stop. I was lying to everyone and pretending for my then four year old, and my now 11 month old, that I knew nothing. I had come to the conclusion that I'd just share him forever and act none the wiser. One night I woke up and realized WTF am I doing?!?!?!?! What kind of person does that to themselves? And how will my children have any self respect for me or know what a real relationship is if they were to ever find out the lie I'd lived?!?! Soooo, I finally left him three months ago. In the weeks before leaving him I found soooooo much more proof: concert tickets that they'd gone to, pics of them on FB, he had a secret FB account, instagram, twitter, ashley madison, and match accounts. And now to top it allllll off, she is due with their baby in 13 days.

The main reason why I'm posting on this is because he has still NEVER admitted to any of it. The baby registries were a mistake, he never hid anything, they're just "sports" friends, the naked pics were ones his friend had shown him because they were supposedly sleeping together (magically on MY laptop)....He still tells me that he has NEVER cheated on me and that they just texted and talked always about sports. The part that bothers me most is that he has that whore around my children. He denies that to, but my five year old comes home and tells me about her time with daddy and WHORE is always there. Of course I just act like that's awesome to my daughter, I would never make her feel like anything out of the ordinary or wrong is going on. The cheating, baby, verbal and mental abuse, none of that bothers me, believe me I AM USED TO IT AFTER 13+ years!!! What bothers me is the turmoil our kids are going through and the fact that I literally have to flirt and pretend there's a chance for him not to be a monster. I JUST WANT IT TO BE OVER!!!!!!!!!!!

YESSSSS sexting is cheating, that's how it starts. And from my experience, once they get a taste for the thrill, they will do it again. Good Luck!!!

Losttransport posted 12/13/2013 17:36 PM

Mr kabosh, I'm so very sorry to hear your story. My WH had an emotional affair between texting and emails and phone calls. Some of it was pretty nasty stuff. I'm sorry you're here.

That being said, please take some time and get into IC if it is available to you. I read your post that you used sexual relations to hurt her. Gently, please step back. Violence, physical or sexual is never an answer, even if it's only a little.

This could be a deal breaker for you. I don't know. Only you can decide that. This is a terrible road to travel and I wish you strength.

MrKabosh posted 1/2/2014 16:04 PM

60 Day's today since D Day, I have got a grip on my anger, and I don't feel the need to hurt her back anymore. I sure as hell am not over it, but I am coming to terms with it I guess is the best analogy I can think of. You guy's were right, this is the club nobody wants to be in. Distrust, jealousy anger and the overall feeling of just not being good enough are but a few of the many feelings I have experienced lately, and I'm not what you would call a sensitive person , so this really put's me out of my norm. One thing I can say and be sure I'm correct is to answer my own question from the title of this thread, yes, sexting is cheating. If you have to hide your phone, change passwords, or close the screen because you mate just walked into the room, you are cheating. If you don't want to find shit like that on your mate's phone, it should not be on yours.
Now I'm trying to find out where to go from here, I have accepted the fact it happened, but I cant go any further. Do I need to ? Should there be any acceptance, forgiveness,or sympathy for the devil? Do I really need to listen to her side of the story? I often wonder if I don't have it backwards, am I loosing her, or has she already lost me and I just don't know it yet. I am really trying, but I can see the light of day.

Calli0pe posted 1/2/2014 21:20 PM

I'm sorry you're here, and again this is NOT the result of something you did. Or didn't do.

Should there be any acceptance, forgiveness,or sympathy for the devil? Do I really need to listen to her side of the story? I often wonder if I don't have it backwards, am I loosing her, or has she already lost me and I just don't know it yet.

nuance posted 1/3/2014 00:17 AM

Recovery takes years. They say 2-5. I was on the 9 year ride though.

MrKabosh posted 1/28/2014 11:40 AM

Update, The second, third and fourth worst day's of my life. Over the following weeks, I was beginning to think we were going to be ok. I was still plagued by bad dreams, sleepless nights and she knew it. I kept a close eye on her, and the tiniest bit of trust was forming. Occasionally, my triggers would get pulled, by nothing she did, but a song in the car, a tv commercial, something would set me off, but after 11 weeks I was able to let it pass most of the time. I insisted on having little short talks about the problem, and she spent a great deal of time convincing me I have nothing to worry about, she was never going to sext again, these problems with no sleeping, not trusting were all in my head and if I could not get over it I needed to seek professional help. Yes, it is all me who has the problem right ? Last week was her next trip to meet with customer, I knew he would be there and it put a huge amount of weight on my mind, I would wake after only 2 or 3 hours of sleep, absolutely furious, and say nothing about it unless she woke when I jumped out of bed and insisted on knowing what was wrong. Now she began really turning the table on me, you are fucked up over nothing, It wasn't that big of a problem, it was only a little dirty talk, and not even that dirty.YOU HAVE TO GET HELP ! So began my new quest, I needed to prove to my self she was being truthful, and I indeed could move on. The set up begins, looking at her phone, and discovered Viber, after goggling it, I realized, she didn't need it, no call limits, no data, e mail or texting limit, why does she need this if there is nothing to hide, it wasn't there only a few weeks ago.So I made both an excellent move, and a huge mistake. I loaded some spy program to get to the truth. People, you have to be careful with the truth, it's a lot like a loaded gun. I was able to see everything on her phone, for the first few day's of watching, I began to tell myself, I need to be proud of her, all communication with friends indicated she knew she made a mistake, and would never do anything to damage our marriage again. Finally, I slept 6 hours straight, and showed the first sign of trust.I took her to the airport the next morning, told her I loved her, please be good, I know you will just wanted to say it, I trust in you.Then I just waited to see what happened from there.First day, nothing, same with first night. Second day, nothing, Im beginning to think the spy thing was un-necessary, feeling guilt because she hasn't done anything, her friends are checking in on her as well, she maintains she is committed and it is not going to happen. Big client dinner, she is checking in with me several times 8pm," I know this is hard for you baby, don't worry". 8:30pm, "ok baby, back in my room, exhausted and don't feel well, I'm just going straight to bed."
I'm nervous now, I have heard this before, for over a year now, I would try to get her to play with me on the phone, but she doesn't feel well, in my heart, I knew I was getting blown off, again, and I was right. Less than one minuet after she claimed to be too sick to play with me, the first message came in from him, "are you naked yet ?"
"Of course I am ,I have missed you and not wasting any of our time".
I'm on the floor, puking .This is what I mean about be careful with spying, you may not really want to see all this information . YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME ! I sat in horror and watched the messages fly back and forth, each a little raunchier than the last, telling each other what they were doing to themselves, he is in his car with dick in hand, her hands are quite busy and well you can guess the rest. Sick, mad as fuck, crushed, all the feelings suddenly go from white to black. I could not stand it, I cant tell her I know already, so I chime in, "Baby, Im in bed and thinking about you" she spends 2 minuets of time, and 3 messages expressing love for me, then I get blown off for the second time. The two of them, claiming to have reached orgasm once already, decide to go for two. Again, the messages fly, as I sit, and watch, sicker than I was just 2 minuets before. I decide to chime in again, guess what happens next, she says go get the stuff, and I will get off with you. Now I think she is in fantasy heaven, she thinks she has her husband, and her cyber lover and herself, all jacking off at the same time. Of course I was in no frame of mind for this, I was hoping if I got involved with her frantic race to cum, she would stop with him, and choose me instead. Well, that did not happen. I played along, claiming to enjoy myself, until she claimed to have gotten her third, but she never left her friend out, and 2 minuets later, she said ok, good night for real, I had fun and will be thinking about you for the rest of the night. One minuet later, the same message went to her friend.
I’m crushed, I’m gunna fucking die, right here and now.
The next day, she fly’s in, and we have a special place we always go to for dinner, I’m going to give her a chance to be truthful, surly she cant look me in the eye, across the short table, at our “special” place, and lie. I had several drinks earlier, feeling numb, holding my poker face, and ask the question, “so no contact with your friend “? No, absolutely none, I was such a good girl except with YOU, MY HUSBAND I was being naughty with. that’s right, straight in the eye, and lied her ass off, if I hadn't already known the truth, I would have believed her 100%, 25 years, and she couldn't even lie about how much the shoes were, but now she has learned to lie to me, and do it so well. Now it is time to play my first card, Darlin, look me in the eye and say it again, she did. I claim “your eye’s are telling me a different story” are you sure. She begins to fly off the handle, and tell me it’s all in my fucked up mind, I did nothing wrong and you need mental help, I cant take the suspicion anymore. Right then I decided, I will say nothing else, but when we get home, I will start planning my next big move, out of my home of 25 years. I told her if she ever did it again, if she ever lied to me and got caught, I will leave you, and I meant it. The next day, I once again watched her phone, If there is more evidence, I wanted it. Got nothing, next day, it’s Friday. I’m still very upset, completely unstable, again, I turn to drinking and I had this big idea, I told her I looked at the registry in her phone, and the data indicated messages were deleted, and they were from the same time frame of when you were sexting me, is there anything you want to tell me, well it soon got heated, the first door slam, the first of many fuck you’s and when the first family air loom was smashed in anger, I decided it was time to walk away, bag in hand, I walked by and dropped my wedding band in her dinner plate and said I know you are lying to me, if you cant tell me the truth, I have no need for this anymore. The final door slam was mine, and I drove away. For the next two day’s she was all over the place, calling my friends, telling me I have lost my mind, please go find me so she can get me help, my daughter called, knowing something was wrong, I wanted to spare her this ugly reality, so I told her I was going hunting and forgot to tell her. Well what's wrong with mom, she is crying and screaming at the same time ? So again, I lied to her and claimed she was mad at me for going hunting, see you in a few day’s. Then, again, the unthinkable, she calls me crying in the middle of the night, mom told me the truth, please come home daddy, we will get you the help you need. WTF, she told my baby girl what my suspicions were, that all were unfounded, and I might hurt myself, the next two day’s were .....unimaginable for me, texting back and forth with my wife, trying to convince me I was fucked up, I pulled my next card, I told her I had a friend with access to sprint satellites, I know what you did. Again, she maintained I was crazy, and did nothing wrong. Hours pass, and I tell her, I recovered messages from the satellite,now all I need now is a phone with the same operating system and I will have the messages in black and white, do I need to keep digging? Then came the last straw, she played the lawyer card, I cant live with this, go get the messages, it will prove I did nothing wrong, and you will lose me because you don’t trust me, I will see you in court and the you will loose everything. I played my final card, and copied the first three messages to her friend, and sent them. Now she knows, I saw every bit of it, and now we enter the next phase, begging forgiveness.
She apologized profusely, cried on and on, and for the first time, I answered the phone. I calmly explained how hurt I was, how much damage has been done, and why I could not be trusted at home with her, A real man, wont hit a woman, for any reason except self defense. Another night, in a sleeze hotel, super drunk, smoking tons of weed, heavily armed and wondering who I need to kill. Around 3am, a message comes in, I will save you a bullet, I have taken a handful of sleeping pills, so you wont have to go to jail. I was still so mad, steaming mad, I told myself I should let her die of her own hand, I need to think about this, should I call 911? This thought process continued for what seemed like a long time, suddenly I snap out of it and realize I’m already in the truck, screaming down the road at 130 miles an hour, and I already almost there. I found her in bed, unconscious but breathing very slow , drug her to the bathroom and and held my fingers in and made her puke them up, I made sure, I waded thru the mess and counted the pills and observed how much was dissolved. I drug her ass around the house a few times, then chunked her in a cold shower. Confident she would live, I called her friend and waited until she got there, watched her sleep it off a while, then I left, my heart wasn't cold enough to let her die, but hard enough to not stay. We have talked several times over the last few days, I did go home last Sunday, and have explained, I do still love you, even after all this, but I am forever changed, I don’t know if I can get passed this one, you cant make I love you, mean what it used to. I may be in the house, but I am not home. I know it’s wrong but we have had sex a couple times already, she knows I’m fucking the shit out of her in anger, I know she will do anything, anything to win me back, I just don’t know if that will ever be possible, I still wont put my ring back on, It’s hanging from the pull chain of a ceiling fan now, right in front of her, to remind her of the wrongs, I know spying on her phone was wrong as well, it does show a complete lack of trust, and have since removed it. Is it possible, can we fix what is left? Should I , if not for the marriage for the kid’s sake ?
Is it worth seeking professional help, for both of us?

kalimata posted 1/28/2014 12:22 PM

Ask her to write out a timeline of everything about the affair for you. Then once you have access to other records (phone email) verify to make sure everything matches up. This will let you know if she is being honest or not.

cvs2kkids posted 1/28/2014 13:07 PM

I know spying on her phone was wrong as well, it does show a complete lack of trust, and have since removed it. Is it possible, can we fix what is left? Should I , if not for the marriage for the kid’s sake ?
Is it worth seeking professional help, for both of us?

Spying-->the new buzzword these days is transparency. BS should have 100% access to all devices. I don't think you did anything wrong.

Reconcilliation- lots here have (including me) and lots have divorced. That's a personal choice, but give it time before you decide.

Stay for Kids sake- depends on the situation. My wife and I lived separate lives in the same house for a year or better (before I knew of affair), my DD needs therapist to this day to deal with her trauma during that time. If you look online, a lot of adult children say they wished their parents had split sooner.

Professional Help- suicide attempt indicates she is in need of it. Having gone through such a traumatic event, you should go as well. Becaue your daughter was forced into it, she may need IC or FC as well. My FWW hated the thoughts of IC and should have had it years ago, now she goes and really feels its worthwhile. If affordable, MC can also be a big help. Be aware though, not all Councellors are made equal, so shop around.

[This message edited by cvs2kkids at 1:08 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

RealityStinks posted 1/28/2014 13:50 PM

Then came the last straw, she played the lawyer card, I cant live with this, go get the messages, it will prove I did nothing wrong, and you will lose me because you don’t trust me, I will see you in court and the you will loose everything.

Heard that before in regard to her work phone records, and then I found out the truth too. It sucks to be here man, but at least you know the truth now.

For me, like you I think, it's the lying that is unforgivable. I looked straight into my WW's eyes on more than one occasion and asked her a question that I already knew the answer to. I couldn't tell she was lying, and it seemed to be so easy for her. That's what scares the crap out of me as far as trying to R goes.

I wish I could help more, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone in this.

Hang in there man.

mj052 posted 1/28/2014 13:53 PM

I heard this awhile back "cheating can be anything that draws energy away from the marriage!" Which is so very true!!!

jenfrat posted 1/28/2014 13:57 PM

So sorry your are here.

My WH never actually slept with the OW. It was all emotional with a few kisses apparently. I still consider that cheating. He gave to HER what he should have been giving to ME.