Update, The second, third and fourth worst day's of my life. Over the following weeks, I was beginning to think we were going to be ok. I was still plagued by bad dreams, sleepless nights and she knew it. I kept a close eye on her, and the tiniest bit of trust was forming. Occasionally, my triggers would get pulled, by nothing she did, but a song in the car, a tv commercial, something would set me off, but after 11 weeks I was able to let it pass most of the time. I insisted on having little short talks about the problem, and she spent a great deal of time convincing me I have nothing to worry about, she was never going to sext again, these problems with no sleeping, not trusting were all in my head and if I could not get over it I needed to seek professional help. Yes, it is all me who has the problem right ? Last week was her next trip to meet with customer, I knew he would be there and it put a huge amount of weight on my mind, I would wake after only 2 or 3 hours of sleep, absolutely furious, and say nothing about it unless she woke when I jumped out of bed and insisted on knowing what was wrong. Now she began really turning the table on me, you are fucked up over nothing, It wasn't that big of a problem, it was only a little dirty talk, and not even that dirty.YOU HAVE TO GET HELP ! So began my new quest, I needed to prove to my self she was being truthful, and I indeed could move on. The set up begins, looking at her phone, and discovered Viber, after goggling it, I realized, she didn't need it, no call limits, no data, e mail or texting limit, why does she need this if there is nothing to hide, it wasn't there only a few weeks ago.So I made both an excellent move, and a huge mistake. I loaded some spy program to get to the truth. People, you have to be careful with the truth, it's a lot like a loaded gun. I was able to see everything on her phone, for the first few day's of watching, I began to tell myself, I need to be proud of her, all communication with friends indicated she knew she made a mistake, and would never do anything to damage our marriage again. Finally, I slept 6 hours straight, and showed the first sign of trust.I took her to the airport the next morning, told her I loved her, please be good, I know you will just wanted to say it, I trust in you.Then I just waited to see what happened from there.First day, nothing, same with first night. Second day, nothing, Im beginning to think the spy thing was un-necessary, feeling guilt because she hasn't done anything, her friends are checking in on her as well, she maintains she is committed and it is not going to happen. Big client dinner, she is checking in with me several times 8pm," I know this is hard for you baby, don't worry". 8:30pm, "ok baby, back in my room, exhausted and don't feel well, I'm just going straight to bed."
I'm nervous now, I have heard this before, for over a year now, I would try to get her to play with me on the phone, but she doesn't feel well, in my heart, I knew I was getting blown off, again, and I was right. Less than one minuet after she claimed to be too sick to play with me, the first message came in from him, "are you naked yet ?"
"Of course I am ,I have missed you and not wasting any of our time".
I'm on the floor, puking .This is what I mean about be careful with spying, you may not really want to see all this information . YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME ! I sat in horror and watched the messages fly back and forth, each a little raunchier than the last, telling each other what they were doing to themselves, he is in his car with dick in hand, her hands are quite busy and well you can guess the rest. Sick, mad as fuck, crushed, all the feelings suddenly go from white to black. I could not stand it, I cant tell her I know already, so I chime in, "Baby, Im in bed and thinking about you" she spends 2 minuets of time, and 3 messages expressing love for me, then I get blown off for the second time. The two of them, claiming to have reached orgasm once already, decide to go for two. Again, the messages fly, as I sit, and watch, sicker than I was just 2 minuets before. I decide to chime in again, guess what happens next, she says go get the stuff, and I will get off with you. Now I think she is in fantasy heaven, she thinks she has her husband, and her cyber lover and herself, all jacking off at the same time. Of course I was in no frame of mind for this, I was hoping if I got involved with her frantic race to cum, she would stop with him, and choose me instead. Well, that did not happen. I played along, claiming to enjoy myself, until she claimed to have gotten her third, but she never left her friend out, and 2 minuets later, she said ok, good night for real, I had fun and will be thinking about you for the rest of the night. One minuet later, the same message went to her friend.
I’m crushed, I’m gunna fucking die, right here and now.
The next day, she fly’s in, and we have a special place we always go to for dinner, I’m going to give her a chance to be truthful, surly she cant look me in the eye, across the short table, at our “special” place, and lie. I had several drinks earlier, feeling numb, holding my poker face, and ask the question, “so no contact with your friend “? No, absolutely none, I was such a good girl except with YOU, MY HUSBAND I was being naughty with. that’s right, straight in the eye, and lied her ass off, if I hadn't already known the truth, I would have believed her 100%, 25 years, and she couldn't even lie about how much the shoes were, but now she has learned to lie to me, and do it so well. Now it is time to play my first card, Darlin, look me in the eye and say it again, she did. I claim “your eye’s are telling me a different story” are you sure. She begins to fly off the handle, and tell me it’s all in my fucked up mind, I did nothing wrong and you need mental help, I cant take the suspicion anymore. Right then I decided, I will say nothing else, but when we get home, I will start planning my next big move, out of my home of 25 years. I told her if she ever did it again, if she ever lied to me and got caught, I will leave you, and I meant it. The next day, I once again watched her phone, If there is more evidence, I wanted it. Got nothing, next day, it’s Friday. I’m still very upset, completely unstable, again, I turn to drinking and I had this big idea, I told her I looked at the registry in her phone, and the data indicated messages were deleted, and they were from the same time frame of when you were sexting me, is there anything you want to tell me, well it soon got heated, the first door slam, the first of many fuck you’s and when the first family air loom was smashed in anger, I decided it was time to walk away, bag in hand, I walked by and dropped my wedding band in her dinner plate and said I know you are lying to me, if you cant tell me the truth, I have no need for this anymore. The final door slam was mine, and I drove away. For the next two day’s she was all over the place, calling my friends, telling me I have lost my mind, please go find me so she can get me help, my daughter called, knowing something was wrong, I wanted to spare her this ugly reality, so I told her I was going hunting and forgot to tell her. Well what's wrong with mom, she is crying and screaming at the same time ? So again, I lied to her and claimed she was mad at me for going hunting, see you in a few day’s. Then, again, the unthinkable, she calls me crying in the middle of the night, mom told me the truth, please come home daddy, we will get you the help you need. WTF, she told my baby girl what my suspicions were, that all were unfounded, and I might hurt myself, the next two day’s were .....unimaginable for me, texting back and forth with my wife, trying to convince me I was fucked up, I pulled my next card, I told her I had a friend with access to sprint satellites, I know what you did. Again, she maintained I was crazy, and did nothing wrong. Hours pass, and I tell her, I recovered messages from the satellite,now all I need now is a phone with the same operating system and I will have the messages in black and white, do I need to keep digging? Then came the last straw, she played the lawyer card, I cant live with this, go get the messages, it will prove I did nothing wrong, and you will lose me because you don’t trust me, I will see you in court and the you will loose everything. I played my final card, and copied the first three messages to her friend, and sent them. Now she knows, I saw every bit of it, and now we enter the next phase, begging forgiveness.
She apologized profusely, cried on and on, and for the first time, I answered the phone. I calmly explained how hurt I was, how much damage has been done, and why I could not be trusted at home with her, A real man, wont hit a woman, for any reason except self defense. Another night, in a sleeze hotel, super drunk, smoking tons of weed, heavily armed and wondering who I need to kill. Around 3am, a message comes in, I will save you a bullet, I have taken a handful of sleeping pills, so you wont have to go to jail. I was still so mad, steaming mad, I told myself I should let her die of her own hand, I need to think about this, should I call 911? This thought process continued for what seemed like a long time, suddenly I snap out of it and realize I’m already in the truck, screaming down the road at 130 miles an hour, and I already almost there. I found her in bed, unconscious but breathing very slow , drug her to the bathroom and and held my fingers in and made her puke them up, I made sure, I waded thru the mess and counted the pills and observed how much was dissolved. I drug her ass around the house a few times, then chunked her in a cold shower. Confident she would live, I called her friend and waited until she got there, watched her sleep it off a while, then I left, my heart wasn't cold enough to let her die, but hard enough to not stay. We have talked several times over the last few days, I did go home last Sunday, and have explained, I do still love you, even after all this, but I am forever changed, I don’t know if I can get passed this one, you cant make I love you, mean what it used to. I may be in the house, but I am not home. I know it’s wrong but we have had sex a couple times already, she knows I’m fucking the shit out of her in anger, I know she will do anything, anything to win me back, I just don’t know if that will ever be possible, I still wont put my ring back on, It’s hanging from the pull chain of a ceiling fan now, right in front of her, to remind her of the wrongs, I know spying on her phone was wrong as well, it does show a complete lack of trust, and have since removed it. Is it possible, can we fix what is left? Should I , if not for the marriage for the kid’s sake ?
Is it worth seeking professional help, for both of us?