"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

libertyrocks posted 12/6/2013 15:17 PM

I'm never going back, but I feel so lost and lonely and a little scared. Is this normal? I consider myself a tough little lady, but I feel so sad. Sad, that he threw it all away. His drinking addiction, the women, the not caring about me, his first baby boy, the second baby boy. It's like we weren't enough to fill his desires. I'm feeling utterly melancholy today.

Thanks for listening,
Libby

Must Survive posted 12/6/2013 16:25 PM

LR,

It is normal. They don't call it a roller coaster for nothing.

Take time for the boys, but also take time for yourself. My therapist reminds me to not push those feelings away. Do actually acknowledge and feel them.

gma56 posted 12/6/2013 16:40 PM

It's like we weren't enough to fill his desires.

NOoooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's not because you were too much or not enough of anything ! His character,intergrity,loyalty and personality is very broken. Only if he recognizes this will he ever be able to fix it.
Many people won't do the hard work to fix themselves. You can't do it for him, there is nothing you can say or do to make him either.

FT hid his real self from me for over 25 yrs, yes, they can and do live a lie in a marriage to us. It comes back to the fact, they made the choice to cheat, you didn't give him permission to be in an open marriage.

The good news you can work on what caused you not see and why you accepted a broken person in your life.

The first days/weeks/months after separation are almost unbearable because a huge void is now in your life and the rejection was horrible for me.
You may not have been the best wife 100% of the time but that isn't why he cheated. Only he can dig and find out his whys of why he allowed himself to seek validation from someone else. Many WSes can't face their truths so they blame us.
Hugs and keep busy and try new or old things forgotten in your life.
Gma

[This message edited by gma56 at 4:41 PM, December 6th (Friday)]

gma56 posted 12/6/2013 16:43 PM

Oh and the Holidays don't make it easier.
FT walked out 4 days before Thanksgiving. Everything is fuzzy during Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years that year.

Lola7 posted 12/6/2013 17:27 PM

Me too. I'm lost and scared, and I can't believe he walked away from everything. In 30 days, my H broke every hope, dream, and promise he's ever made to me. Essentially, my husband died and now I have to communicate with this cold person who acts like I was nothing to him. BUT . . .

I do know that we will have good days and bad days, and eventually the good will outweigh the bad. You will get through this, but you have to allow yourself time to grieve and process everything. Like I said, I'm almost a month out, and I am improving. We just have to allow ourselves time to get over this and life will go on. Promise!

lisaloo posted 12/6/2013 17:35 PM

No...all those feelings are totally normal...even all at once! My Dday#3 was literally a month ago today, and my WH told me yesterday that the marriage is over (he refuses to use the word divorce for some reason...he keeps skirting around THAT word )...and expected us to sit down and negotiate a property settlement THAT NIGHT.

These are not rational people we are dealing with here...like gma said, these folks are BROKEN (something I actually SCREAMED at WH yesterday...oops ).

It sucks...I just have to believe that we're all going to better off somehow in the end.

libertyrocks posted 12/9/2013 15:20 PM

Thank you soooooo much everyone for your kind, thoughtful and wise words. It is getting better. I'm happy I don't have to be with such a horrible person anymore. Like you Lola, he's so cold even now. I don't know who he is. It's weird. But, he's not my problem anymore. I'm SO DONE with him and it feels great. There's just residue of missing the person I thought I knew and having to adjust to a major life change is a little challenging.