I have been a member of this board since 2009. However not an active member, I have had my profile suspended, quite appropriately for attacking another members post.
I apologize specifically to Floridaredman, whom I attacked without provocation. I am truly sorry Floridaredman, it was just another problem related to my betrayal issue and my abuse issue. I hope you and others can accept my presence again and accept that I do indeed take responsibility for my suspension and will take great care to be a contributing member with respect for all.
To the staff, I thank you so much for giving me an opportunity to contribute to this site once again. I have been reading almost daily since my suspension and it has helped me so much. It is a great honor to be given this chance.
As for myself these past many months, I have finally reached a place where my verbal, physical abuse of my spouse has ended. We are at about 10 months of steady, non abusive behavior. As far as my betrayals of my wife, I have taken responsibility and hopefully I have begun to really understand my wife's position and have become proactive in helping her to heal from the nightmare I put in her life.
I will post about how I reached this point in later posts. I believe the true reason is the compassion that my wife has given me. My wife has finally helped me to get beyond my FOO issues and to have a little of what I thought was missing from my life for years, unconditional love. Another big factor has been the teaching from a man whom I sat in his classes for abusers for two years and had a number of private sessions. He is the strongest man that I know and his help has been so benifical to me and my spouse.
To be brief, I have always had relationships that always had a guarded aspect to them. I never fully reached out to another human being. I have destroyed every relationship I have ever had and I have always been afraid to share my true self with anyone. I have been stuck in preadolescence for some time now and I finally feel that I am coming through that.
My biggest goal is to get through this holiday season as a spouse who is there for my wife. I guess the thing that keeps me moving forward is the fact that I have integrity now. It deepens everyday and life becomes easier and more secure as I stack another day on top of another. No secrets. Open accounts. No porn. No inappropriate behavior
I have ruined every holiday season since my betrayal, and before actually. By going off on an insane tangent. My poor BW has suffered for years and if I can give her this first holiday season with no abuse and no betrayal, I will be the happiest person on this earth.
I am rambling now. Please understand that I am overjoyed at the kindness of the moderators and hopefully the members of this site, to be back again. Able to post and offer my experience to those trying to find a way forward. This website has become a lifeline for me and I am honored to be back here. This journey is the most important of my life.