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A humble hello

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astudentoflife posted 12/6/2013 18:45 PM

I have been a member of this board since 2009. However not an active member, I have had my profile suspended, quite appropriately for attacking another members post.

I apologize specifically to Floridaredman, whom I attacked without provocation. I am truly sorry Floridaredman, it was just another problem related to my betrayal issue and my abuse issue. I hope you and others can accept my presence again and accept that I do indeed take responsibility for my suspension and will take great care to be a contributing member with respect for all.

To the staff, I thank you so much for giving me an opportunity to contribute to this site once again. I have been reading almost daily since my suspension and it has helped me so much. It is a great honor to be given this chance.

As for myself these past many months, I have finally reached a place where my verbal, physical abuse of my spouse has ended. We are at about 10 months of steady, non abusive behavior. As far as my betrayals of my wife, I have taken responsibility and hopefully I have begun to really understand my wife's position and have become proactive in helping her to heal from the nightmare I put in her life.

I will post about how I reached this point in later posts. I believe the true reason is the compassion that my wife has given me. My wife has finally helped me to get beyond my FOO issues and to have a little of what I thought was missing from my life for years, unconditional love. Another big factor has been the teaching from a man whom I sat in his classes for abusers for two years and had a number of private sessions. He is the strongest man that I know and his help has been so benifical to me and my spouse.

To be brief, I have always had relationships that always had a guarded aspect to them. I never fully reached out to another human being. I have destroyed every relationship I have ever had and I have always been afraid to share my true self with anyone. I have been stuck in preadolescence for some time now and I finally feel that I am coming through that.

My biggest goal is to get through this holiday season as a spouse who is there for my wife. I guess the thing that keeps me moving forward is the fact that I have integrity now. It deepens everyday and life becomes easier and more secure as I stack another day on top of another. No secrets. Open accounts. No porn. No inappropriate behavior

I have ruined every holiday season since my betrayal, and before actually. By going off on an insane tangent. My poor BW has suffered for years and if I can give her this first holiday season with no abuse and no betrayal, I will be the happiest person on this earth.

I am rambling now. Please understand that I am overjoyed at the kindness of the moderators and hopefully the members of this site, to be back again. Able to post and offer my experience to those trying to find a way forward. This website has become a lifeline for me and I am honored to be back here. This journey is the most important of my life.

astudentoflife posted 12/6/2013 18:55 PM

I want to say that I forgot about the lockout feature for BS. Please don't think that I have locked any BS out, I am just so excited to be back posting I forgot. I will remember to take it off in future. Please forgive my oversight.

Deeply Scared posted 12/7/2013 07:39 AM

I've removed it for you.'s really nice to have you sound very grounded

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:53 AM, December 7th (Saturday)]

floridaredman posted 12/7/2013 07:53 AM

No apologies needed. I appreciate the gesture though. Glad that you are back because you do have a lot you can contribute to SI. You won't be the first or the last not to agree with me, but that is what SI is all about. Diverse people sharing their experience, insight and wisdom.

Once again ..welcome back

astudentoflife posted 12/7/2013 16:48 PM

Thanks to the both of you.

Your graciousness in accepting my apology helps me FRM. Thank you.

Deeply Scared, I hope I am grounded now. I work at it everyday.

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