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lisaloo posted 12/6/2013 19:59 PM

Bitch...WH is pushing for swapping DD week by week...I'm do not ok with this. I want primary legal custody, and I told him I would work with him on visitation-I've offered every weekend...he asked WHY I want that...

My reply: WH...you're a good dad, especially with the fun stuff...but you are in no way prepared to handle what's coming in her life...questions about menstruation, sex, shaving, inserting a tampon, hormones, PMS, shopping for clothes, bra fittings, vaginal discharge, slumber parties (because no parent will want their little girl at a single man's house)...I could go on and on. DD is not ever going to be comfortable coming to you with these types of issues. It makes sense for her to be with her mother...work with me here WH...Every weekend lets you continue to do what you've always done-the fun stuff...and it lets me continue to do what I've always done-all the dentist appts, doctor visits, clothes shopping, school shopping, haircuts, thank you cards, birthday parties, picking out deodorant, Christmas shopping, talks about crushes she has...etc...all the mom stuff.

Why is he fighting me on this??? Does he not have to pay child support if we split custody?? Is that what it is? Because he's never wanted to be this involved in her life. WTF??

Take2 posted 12/6/2013 20:08 PM

Yeah the more time he has her the less CS he'll pay if there is a large gap in incomes. I've seen some post here that their states lean toward 50/50 splits, others don't. What does your lawyer say?

homewrecked2011 posted 12/6/2013 20:19 PM

I just read your profile,,, serial cheaters don't need to be with their daughters every other week.

Your atty needs to get on this.

My XWH asked for the same, because they pay ALOT less in child support, then once the fun wears off, the dads get them less and less and then you are stuck with no money coming in, and having to file to get more child support.

Do an online search for alabama child support calculator and see what he will pay if he gets week on week off vs every other weekend.

If you can, you need to get no overnights with girlfriends and you get the first right of refusal if he isn't available to have the kids due to work,etc. You never know WHO your xh will be dating in the future.

Dreamboat posted 12/6/2013 20:31 PM

Does he not have to pay child support if we split custody?

Ding ding ding! We have a winner!!

CS will either be eliminated or drastically reduced if you have 50/50 custody. Next time he brings it up tell him strait out "The only reason you want joint custody is because you do not want to pay CS. You care more about money that what is best for DD!"

And also start to document how much time he currently spends with DD and what he currently does for her as far as day-to-day care. Sit down and write a short essay of his involvement up to this point. Be honest. (always take the high road when D a WS). Make sure your date it and state that these are your recollections. And then start keeping a weekly or even daily journal (or write on a calendar) all of his contact and all of his involvement. Document the good and the bad, just be consistent.

Stay strong!

Holly-Isis posted 12/6/2013 20:43 PM

He's not the biological father, he's only been her adopted father for three years, right?

It will risk CS so maybe you'll have to push spousal support, but you could argue he adopted her under false pretenses. He had cheated and intended to cheat again but adopted her to convince you to remain M.

He's using her to manipulate you. Unless having him influence her is worth what you would get for CS, I'd say you have a get out of jail free card compared to some parents who have to keep their warped XSs in their children's lives...even after abuse, neglect and so on.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 8:46 PM, December 6th (Friday)]

lisaloo posted 12/6/2013 21:04 PM

Here's the thing...I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that WH will get bored with being a parent as soon as the next piece of ass comes by...then he will drop her like a bad habit-no matter what the custody arrangements are. I cant have him getting out of CS when he's just going to bail on us both again...I cannot believe what an ASSHOLE I married. And then TOOK BACK and let adopt MY daughter...I cannot make another bad decision and let him get custody of her for anything more than weekends (and, seriously, I work weekends because I had to accommodate WH's out of town during the week all the damn time work schedule). It would make sense and be convenient for me, which is why he wont do it. What a dick!!!

Nature_Girl posted 12/6/2013 22:04 PM

Stop talking to him. Now. No more talking. No more bullshit telling him he's a good dad. From now on your perspective has to be that he's Satan incarnate and you don't want him fucking near your daughter. No more talking to him AT ALL.

You do not discuss custody with him. You do not discuss child support with him. You don't discuss diddly squat with him. It all goes through your lawyer. Please. I'm begging you.

You're going to screw yourself and your daughter if you keep this up.

WorldTraveler23 posted 12/6/2013 22:08 PM

You have PLENTY of reasons to seek and get primary custody, no doubt, and I hope (and expect) that you will. But I don't think any judge will take into account your child's gender (and I don't think they should). I say this with all due respect, but as a mother with all sons I don't think what you're saying about gender is fair. I shouldn't lose custody that I deserve to my sons father just because I have sons.

Plenty of wonderful parents on this board have children of the opposite gender and do a bang-up job raising them. Fathers of daughters and mothers of sons.

Keep on fighting the good fight!!

[This message edited by WorldTraveler23 at 10:09 PM, December 6th (Friday)]

Griefstricken25 posted 12/6/2013 22:14 PM

You should absolutely have primary custody, but be very careful about offering him things you may regret down the road, like every weekend. That gives you almost NO down time with your daughter. You don't want that. Birthday parties and slumber parties and most of the fun of parenting happens on weekends. Don't give them all up.

homewrecked2011 posted 12/8/2013 19:42 PM

My atty also suggested WITHOUT WARNING MY WS, to write down on the calendar if he did/did not get our children. It really helped on the day that we were to decide custody. He had gotten them like 1 day a week and some weekends....Therefore, he did not get every other weekend because when he could have voluntarily gotten every other week, he did not.

lisaloo posted 12/8/2013 23:07 PM

Griefstriken-I didn't even THINK about how giving him weekends would impact me in the long run, so thank you for that wake up call!! I forget sometimes that I will be graduating again in a year and this work schedule is just for a season, so to speak.

WorldTraveler: I meant no disrespect regarding the gender thing...And I absolutely know that parents of any gender can parent children of any gender!! I mentioned it to WH because it's a button that I KNOW I can push with him, since he is very uncomfortable with puberty and all that comes with it. When I told him DD asked me about when she would finally get a larger chest, because she "kinda wanted them" WH looked as anxious as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs...His only response was to tell me to just deal with all of that "stuff" and not tell him. I was hoping the text, with its overt emphasis on issues related to the female reproductive system, would help him see that he really isn't prepared to do this and, more so, that he doesn't really want to. He likes being the softball dad on Saturdays, but that's where his involvement with DD ends.