SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

At some point when I realized the collapse of our life together wasn’t going to be some Nora Ephron movie of two people saying “oh, gosh, we are both so much better without each other,” I stood in our bedroom looking at you with beating heart.

I am so hurt inside I would fall to my knees and beg, I would sit for hours and tell you how neglectful a husband I was, I would hold you and wipe your eyes as you cried the pain of living with me and worrying if your lover will reject you.

And my heart keeps beating. Why can’t I just get a good breath? I can’t breath. I mean, I think I will really not get through the next minute. I need you to say something to make this pain go away. I can’t do it myself. I can’t make you stop loving him. You tell me you wish you could stop, but you can’t.

So, I look up and I look at you and I look into your eyes. My head spins a bit. My mind’s eye is half in my brain and half a mile up in the sky looking down. And your eyes are green and your face is flat without smile or grimace or sorrow. Your eyes look towards me. But they don’t pierce. They don’t question. They don't touch me. They are empty. There is no compassion in your eyes. There is no love. There is no respite from my pain.

And I ask if there is any hope.

And you say, “I am 95% gone.”

And I know you are 100% gone.

And my eyes are wet, and I can’t breath, and my heart keeps beating so hard. And a minute passes. And then another.

I'm sorry you are hurting right now. I'm sorry she doesn't realize what she is giving up, what she is truly doing. Know that this will pass, that you will feel better. I don't know why, but you can only sustain this level of pain for so long before you stop crying and you once again start breathing.

There is a wonderful thread for betrayed men here. You will find tremendous support and realize that you are not alone in this at all. It is going to be ok....

Since you didn't do a profile I am not sure what the particulars are of your situation. When affair started, is OM married, how long the affair, etc.

But one thing I do know is that when they are in the fog, think they are in love, then the only thing that you can do is get tough. I know it is hard when you love them so much and your heart is breaking, but it is the ONLY chance to knock them out of that fog. First, if he is married let his wife know. That ends an affair more times than not.
Then start a really hard 180 and see an attorney. You need to find out what your options are financially and you need to protect yourself.

Make sure she knows that you have seen an attorney and tell her that if she is seeing the other man, then she needs to move out.

Sometimes this dose of reality shakes them back to some sense. If not, you have lost her and you are better off without her if she does not love you. So, so, sorry you are going through this pain. We all know what it feels like. It is unbearable but we get through it.

TheHardestThing, I am sorry for your pain, I can feel it in your words, it is sometimes overwhelming. You just make it through this one day at a time. If you are having heart palpitations it can be serious so please see a doctor.

I know you are hurting so much, but she made a choice and she can make a new choice which is to stop seeing him. She can if she wants to. Her *choice* to cheat has nothing to do with you, it is all about her.

I hope you will keep posting and reading here, SI is a wonderful place for your help. It is a little slow on weekends, so don't give up!

Such great support. I am very thankful. I have wanted the marriage to end for some time, but wasn't strong enough or self-aware enough to initiate it. I had left once 10 years ago and swore I wouldn't cause my children that pain again. So now that my wife's EA (maybe physical now?) has paved the way for divorce, I both see it as a gift (strange, huh?) but also as so exquisitely painful as to be barely survivable sometimes. On a good day, I step back and wonder how I couldn't see her as she is--selfish, unkind, unashamed. On a bad day, I just shake my head and can't recognize this strange world I have woken up to.

I have great supports and great counselors. But the cycles just come as they want. My biggest wish is to stop looking to her to fix my pain, as every time I do I am wounded as I remember that she cannot fix this for me. So I have ten rules to remember each day. Rule 2: Do not place myself in positions where she will hurt me.

If you have not already done so, take a look in the upper left corner, where the yellow box is, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading, and look especially for information on the 180. That is going to help you with your Rule 2 SO much. It's information about detaching from your WW so that you can gain the mental stability and "distance" to make choices that are best for you.

If you know the marriage is dead, then you need to detach and start doing the things that you need to do, to bring it to an end. I went thru a divorce with my 1st husband and even though we both agreed it was for the best, until infidelity, it was the most painful thing that I had done in my life. Detaching can help you through the process.