2. If you have a SO, why see if there's "something there" with the ex?
3. Are you done lying or are you still holding stuff in to protect yourself?
4.. Read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.
Welcome to SI. Where they call you on your crap, hold your feet to the fire, and cheer you on as you make healthy decisions. Check out the Healing Library. (yellow box to the left) Lots of good info in there.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
2. I projected my dissatisfaction and self-loathing on to the relationship, to the point that I wanted to go back to the familiar rather than work on the relationship that I had in front of me.
3. I'm trying to be completely honest, but it is very hard. I have lied once more to her. Today she asked me to come over to her house. I told her that I wanted to come over when I didn't and made excuses so I didn't have to come over as soon.
4. Thank you for the recommendation. And the insight.
I'm trying to be completely honest, but it is very hard. I have lied once more to her. Today she asked me to come over to her house. I told her that I wanted to come over when I didn't and made excuses so I didn't have to come over as soon.
I cannot tell you how many times I've seen a BS say, "It wasn't the affair that killed us, it was the constant lies. They refuse to tell the truth. I cannot trust them with anything. This relationship is over because of the lies."
Be honest. With her and with yourself.
I asked by BH for help with this. Tell your BSO you want to change this and ask for help. Tell her you need to pause before speaking and if you don't pause to tell you that you missed your pause and you should go back and do it again making sure that you are telling the whole truth. If you practice it gets easier.
I committed to telling the whole truth all the time. You will be surprised how much better you feel and how you give up some anxiety that you shouldn't be taking on. For example, now when someone asks me a question that I don't want to answer and that I don't feel it is necessary to answer I can simply say, "I'd rather not say." I never would have dreamed of saying that before for fear of seeming rude. I think boundaries is part of this and an unhealthy need to be liked. As I work on healthy boundaries and validating myself I'm finding it easier to speak my truth. Still a work in progress but it is worth it.
I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️
I associate lying with abuse. I was abusive and every incident, no matter how small would bring all of the abuse back, some of which was extreme. Lying is like that. No matter how small the lie, it brings back the huge ones that you told her. It destroys trust even further.
Figure our why you lie. I can say honestly it is to stop painful consequences for YOU. Make a commitment to tell only the truth. The consequences of telling the truth are never as great as the lies, which will be the end of your relationship. Even if your spouse says "This is it" and pulls away for awhile, she will realize that you were being honest, which is one step in the right direction. It ain't over till the fat lady sings. She may be able to come back from the pain the truth brings, she will not be able at some point to overcome the damage of lies.