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My first post... and reach-out for help.

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Scorpio2310 posted 12/6/2013 20:28 PM

I had EAs with two different APs. I did not come clean to my BSO, she found out. One of the the EAs was an OEA (I had dated her years ago, she was my first love). My BSO found an online profile of mine that I had used to contact my XF. I had made the profile first to see if there was any truth to her having a child by me when we last split up six years ago, but I kept the profile and her on it. Truth is I was seeing if there was still something there. My BSO found out a couple days later. When she confronted me I lied and lied and lied. To the point that she was almost convinced that I was telling her the truth. She eventually gained access to my profile and found the physical evidence that validated her fears and also proved that I was lying to her. This was the second time that my BSO had caught me having contact with my XF.
The other EA was giving rides to an OW. I hid it from my BSO, because when I had started this job she had told me that she did not want me to have any unprofessional contact with female coworkers. I told myself that I was being a good friend by giving her rides and that as long as my BSO did not find out then it was alright. Well, my BSO found out when she went through my phone (after she found out about my OEA).
My BSO is willing to work with me on a day by day basis for now as long as I show that I am willing to work on my problems and seek help. Can anyone offer me some advice?

Aubrie posted 12/6/2013 20:40 PM

1. If you suspected the child was yours, why not just say to your SO, "Ya know Babe, I was in a previous relationship and she had a child. I have been questioning the paternity of the child. How would you feel about me moving forward to see if it's mine?"? Why hide and lie about it?

2. If you have a SO, why see if there's "something there" with the ex?

3. Are you done lying or are you still holding stuff in to protect yourself?

4.. Read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

Welcome to SI. Where they call you on your crap, hold your feet to the fire, and cheer you on as you make healthy decisions. Check out the Healing Library. (yellow box to the left) Lots of good info in there.

Scorpio2310 posted 12/6/2013 21:09 PM

1. The XF was lying. I found out that there was never any child. When we split she had told me that to have me hang around a little longer.

2. I projected my dissatisfaction and self-loathing on to the relationship, to the point that I wanted to go back to the familiar rather than work on the relationship that I had in front of me.

3. I'm trying to be completely honest, but it is very hard. I have lied once more to her. Today she asked me to come over to her house. I told her that I wanted to come over when I didn't and made excuses so I didn't have to come over as soon.

4. Thank you for the recommendation. And the insight.

Aubrie posted 12/6/2013 21:14 PM

I'm laying everything else aside for a moment. Because this:

I'm trying to be completely honest, but it is very hard. I have lied once more to her. Today she asked me to come over to her house. I told her that I wanted to come over when I didn't and made excuses so I didn't have to come over as soon.
needs to stop. Stop. Lying. Every single time you tell a lie, no matter how "small" it is, you are pulling the knife back and plunging it into your SO's heart again. Stop killing her. Just stop. If you can't be honest, you have absolutely zero chance of fixing anything. There is zero chance for reconciliation.

I cannot tell you how many times I've seen a BS say, "It wasn't the affair that killed us, it was the constant lies. They refuse to tell the truth. I cannot trust them with anything. This relationship is over because of the lies."

Be honest. With her and with yourself.

Scorpio2310 posted 12/6/2013 21:34 PM

I do want to stop lying to her. What makes it so very hard to change is that lying is a lifelong habit of mine. I am not sure how to change it. Everyone keeps telling me that if I want to stop then I just need to do that. But I also know that habits take time to break. How do I break this habit of lying before it is too late to have any kind of relationship with my BSO?

knightsbff posted 12/6/2013 22:16 PM

To help stop the lying I deliberately inserted a pause before I spoke to anyone. The pause was my extra chance to check what I was about to say for validity (the whole truth without intent to deceive by omission or otherwise), to check my motivations for saying it (to learn and grow or to avoid pain), and to calm myself and gather my courage if it was going to be a tough truth to tell. Sometimes the pause was kind of long...

I asked by BH for help with this. Tell your BSO you want to change this and ask for help. Tell her you need to pause before speaking and if you don't pause to tell you that you missed your pause and you should go back and do it again making sure that you are telling the whole truth. If you practice it gets easier.

I committed to telling the whole truth all the time. You will be surprised how much better you feel and how you give up some anxiety that you shouldn't be taking on. For example, now when someone asks me a question that I don't want to answer and that I don't feel it is necessary to answer I can simply say, "I'd rather not say." I never would have dreamed of saying that before for fear of seeming rude. I think boundaries is part of this and an unhealthy need to be liked. As I work on healthy boundaries and validating myself I'm finding it easier to speak my truth. Still a work in progress but it is worth it.

Scorpio2310 posted 12/7/2013 11:38 AM

I read your reply last night Knightsbff. I wanted to reread it this morning before I posted a reply. But I was able to put your advice into effect even before I could reply! My BSO came to me with anger and more questions, when she asked her questions I asked her if I could take a pause to make sure that I was telling the whole truth. She did allow me to pause, but a minute later she sounded as though she was throwing it back in my face when she asked me a question and then told me, "Well you better take a pause before you answer!" I know that it will take a while before she will ever trust me, but even knowing that and knowing that I caused this to happen I still feel hurt every time I hear the anger come out of her mouth.

knightsbff posted 12/7/2013 12:35 PM

The anger was scary for me. With IC help I was able to view the anger as my BH's pain. I understood that him being there with me working through his anger and pain was preferable to him being done and being NC with me or detached. Seeing it that way made it easier for me to face his anger in the best way possible.

astudentoflife posted 12/7/2013 14:25 PM

Welcome your spouses anger. The opposite is that she simply doesn't care anymore. Get me?

I associate lying with abuse. I was abusive and every incident, no matter how small would bring all of the abuse back, some of which was extreme. Lying is like that. No matter how small the lie, it brings back the huge ones that you told her. It destroys trust even further.

Figure our why you lie. I can say honestly it is to stop painful consequences for YOU. Make a commitment to tell only the truth. The consequences of telling the truth are never as great as the lies, which will be the end of your relationship. Even if your spouse says "This is it" and pulls away for awhile, she will realize that you were being honest, which is one step in the right direction. It ain't over till the fat lady sings. She may be able to come back from the pain the truth brings, she will not be able at some point to overcome the damage of lies.

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