Today sucked. I haven't cried so hard in a loooooong time. Short version of a long story. There was a giant fuck up with my child support/alimony payments with the state. It was huge mess and nobody at their office seemed to know what was going on. They are basically holding a bunch of Gnat's wage garnishment, but not giving it to me.
So basically, I'm hysterical after getting off the phone with the umpteenth unhelpful person. My mortgage is due, I have a ton of bills piled up waiting for this money and Christmas to boot. I had to call the Gnat and explain what was going on since, he had to do some things on his end to fix the problem. Although, this truly was not his fuck up and he was as pissed and upset with them as I was.
I was so upset and crying while explaining the problem to the Gnat. His voice suddenly started to crack and he just kept saying "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've put you in this situation". Well, the floodgates opened. I unleashed a fury of pain and frustration on him like you wouldn't believe. It went something along the lines of "SORRY? SORRY? YOU'RE NOT FUCKING SORRY! YOU SYSTEMATICALLY PLANNED TO FIND A WHORE AND WALK AWAY FROM OUR FAMILY WITHOUT BOTHERING TO NOTIFY ME ABOUT YOUR PLANS. YOU ENCOURAGED ME TO BE A SAHM, SAYING IT WAS BEST FOR THE KIDS, WHEN YOU WERE PLANNING TO ESCAPE ALL ALONG! I COULD HAVE BEEN BACK IN SCHOOL OR FURTHERING MY CAREER, BUT NO, I'M STUCK WITH YOUR STUPID ASS SUPPORTING ME WHILE I PULL MY LIFE BACK TOGETHER FOR ME AND MY KIDS! I JUST WANT TO BE DONE WITH YOU. I DON'T WANT TO RELY ON YOU FOR ANYTHING. I WANT YOU OUT OF MY LIFE!"
Yeah, I lost it big time. It of course had little to no effect on him and I didn't really expect it to. It did however, feel good to unleash some of that anger. It felt oddly cleansing in some way. The end result is that I think (fingers crossed) that I got the child support issue worked out with the state. However, I won't know for sure until next week. In the meantime, the Gnat agreed to float me the money until I get paid. He brought me a cashier's check tonight when he picked up the kids.
I'm still reeling tonight from all of the stress and crying today, but feeling somewhat at peace. No worries, I'm back to going dark on him. I don't like being vulnerable like that in front of him, but I just couldn't help it today. I think the stress of the upcoming holidays and all of this BS just put me over the edge. I'm so ready for January 1.