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Brokenhearted99 posted 12/7/2013 08:20 AM

This is my 2nd marriage. First marriage, 5 years back in the early to mid 90s. First wife, left me for another man. When he didn't live up to his end of their bargain, my ex ended it.

Looking back at that time, I see things today, I saw during that time in my life. The 1,000 yard glazed eye stare. Irrational, hurtful comments, change in grooming, appearance and dress.

My current marriage... 13 years. We've been together for 14 years. Over my life with her, I've had periods when I suspected things but I never had a smoking gun. She demonstrated many of the things my first wife did and what she has been showing me over the last 90 days.

Walks around the house with her phone plastered to her. Tolerates men flirting with her on social networks at my expense. Change in dress. Shut me out physically...over the last 4 months I think she has responded to me 4 times. It's clearly painful for her to hug me, kiss me, or look into my eyes. I have asked her, "Who is pulling your heart strings?"

She has insisted, "No one."

I've been severely depressed for over a year. The economy has been hard and I've lost my career. We've experienced one setback after another starting in summer 2012. In November, this came to a head. She insited she wanted a divorce, told me she didn't want to risk another year of her life with me, I was a mistake, not her type, she deserved better etc...

She told me a couple of weeks ago to make other life plans without her and where would I live at? We have 3 kids, all young. During this discussion she described a future world where her future relationships would be tolerant of me and if the future wonderous man couldn't accept my active role in my children's life...she wouldn't allow him in her life. My life is crumbling in front of her and in the same breath tells me about future relationships. I asked her again, "Who is pulling your heart strings?"

She continued to maintain her innocence.

Over Thanksgiving she took the kids to her moms house and left me alone. She never called, (other than to tell me she arrived safely) I never heard from my kids and spent the day alone.

We were planning on moving here at the first of the year and get seperate addresses in a community an hour away. Suddenly, she got a promotion at work and offered a slight pay raise, not life changing. She suddenly, expressed a desire to not move and she would "try" to work on things but wouldn't promise me anything.

Tuesday, it was her company Christmas Party and she got stumbling intoxicated. I left the party and sat in the truck beccuse I couldn't take watching her. She was mad at me and told her coworkers I ditched her, when all she had to do was call or step outside and see I was outside waiting for her.

We got home and she could barely stand. The babysitter, (friend of the family was offended) the kids were upset at her appearance. I went to tuck the kids in bed. Before that, while they weren't around, i approached her about spending time together intimately. It's been months... she refused. When I get into our bedroom, she is only dressed in a pair of undergarments and nothing else. I was optimistic! She still refused. Passed out drunk.

The next morning, I went throug her phone....OMG
While I was tucking our sons into bed across the hall, while she was in our bed with nothing on..(barely) she was drunk messaging the joys of drunk sex to another married man and how badly she wanted it...

I discovered she was having an emotional affair with two seperate men. Over Thanksgiving she never texted, called or messsaged me..but had time for her boyfriends.

She has since, removed, blocked the two men. Says that is the extent of her misguided behaviour. Appologized to me. She says, she wants to work on our marriage.

But, i can't shake this feeling...there's much more to this story. She continues to hide herself from me. She uses the excuse she is out of birth control and can't get into the doctor for the life of her to get a prescription or annual.

I feel like to go from, "I have never crossed the line before our bed, no clothes on, drunk messaging another man about the pleasure of sex, while I am tucking her children in bed across the hall" is ominous and a serious red flag...

Lostandpregnant posted 12/7/2013 08:27 AM

Trust your gut.
Why is she saying now she wants to fix it if she'd already said she doesn't??
Read everything in the healing library on here, read posts, read read read.

I'm sorry you're here, but glad you found this place.

HurtNewlywed posted 12/7/2013 08:49 AM

I have no advice to offer you. I am a little over a week from discovering my husband's online affair. But I wanted to tell you that you have come to the right place. Someone recommended reading the following two threads to me. I found them to be very helpful:


Perhaps even more importantly, make sure you eat and drink plenty of water. Good luck.

LA44 posted 12/7/2013 09:46 AM

Brokenhearted and others....I found out last year at this exact time so I just wanted to say to keep reading as much as you can, post here, eat well, drink water to stay hydrated. If you have a good friend or two, call on them. It is hellish in the beginning but you have found a good and safe place in SI.


Brokenhearted99 posted 12/7/2013 11:39 AM

At the first of the month, she wanted to move and start a new life without me. We currently live in a community where there is little social network for her and our kids.

This move, was back to a community we knew people.

The promotion at work, was the causing factor to stay here.

Over the last 4 months, I have known with a degree of certainty 99.99% of where she has spent her days. There is one day, where she left the area to work 1 day as a substitute teacher (before taking the job where she was offered a new positon, that job started the end of Sept). Over September she worked a total of 2 days for a school board.

I know on F/B she posted pics of that day of her in school. The 2nd day, there are only grandiose texts to me about arriving safely, the "glorious" sunrise on her way into work etc. Totally out of character for her to be nice to me. She went to mom's house with the kids, called to say she got, flowery texts on this one particular day is...odd.

In October, I looked for a direct deposit for 2 shifts, and I never, ever saw it. I asked her about it and she said, "The child support took it." I raised my stepdaughter and bore the lion share of her financial needs from the time she was 3 until last year, when she decided her father could do better than me and moved out. She turns 18 this spring. (It's interesting my wife, is going down this road, now that she is grown up). My stepdaughter's father wants support, we went to court in September and he got an award for a small amount of support until next summer.

So, I asked her, "Where is this second shift at?" You earn, after taxes $59.00 per shift. You should have been paid, $120.00 aprox. The consent order came the end of October.

When she told me this...I brushed it off. Finally, the day before the discovery of the online drunk sex is wondeful and I want it with you messages, I want to my bank and asked for a print out of all of my direct deposits from this school system. Sure enough, 1 deposit.

She says, she will show me the pay stub that shows they took 50 percent of her pay for support on that 1 check. It's just, very, very odd that her exact bring home pay is for exactly 1 shift.

12 hours before discovery and 10 minutes after the last known contact, I asked her, "Is there anyone, influencing you?" She said, "NO"... I've seen her poker face. She inisists when she worked all days in question.

I know the man she was sending messages to that night is deployed out of country. I also know the other man is out of state on the other side of the country.

I have given her numerous times to come clean with everything. This is her story and she is sticking to it. My friends in the loop tell me if I want this to work, I need to stop digging and let it go and move on.

My fear is her conscience. If she is holding long can they hide this stuff? And not effect every single thing around them in their life? I mean our kids, our home, our finances, our health..everything.

Skan posted 12/7/2013 15:21 PM

If she's not truthful with you now, she never will be. Here's the truth that you already know. She already planned to move YOU out of YOUR home because SHE wanted to leave. She made plans with some future husband, possibly someone she already had picked out, to have a new daddy to your kids, and as a sop to you, assured you that you would be welcome in their life. She evidently only changed her mind because of money, not because of any remorse for you, and having changed her mind, is keeping you on the hook as Plan B in case something else better comes along by not committing to you fully. She is hiding from you, she is carrying on at least an EA with two different men, and is essentially treating you as a not-very-well tolerated babysitter.

None of this screams loving wife and family life to me. You're being shafted. And not even being kissed on the ear while it happens.

I would suggest that you start thinking long and hard about what you want and need. And what you're willing to tolerate and not tolerate. You've been through this rodeo before and you're seeing the warning signs. I would also suggest that you go down to the I Can Relate forum and click onto the Betrayed Men's thread and start talking. It's slow around here on weekends, but the guys tend to hang out in that forum and they can talk to you man to man. Not that we womenz can't talk to you as well, but I personally think that it's also extremely helpful to talk man to man or woman to woman in situations.

And do keep coming back here for support. We're all here for you!

Brokenhearted99 posted 12/7/2013 21:03 PM

What brought this into the light?

I have a history of a near fatal suicide. As a teenager 27 years ago, in order to escape a decade of abuse and neglect, I went into the woods and aimed a rifle at my heart, and pulled the trigger. I missed my left heart wall by 1/4 of an inch.

As a result, I suffer from PTSD and bouts of depression. As well as occasional ruminating thoughts of suicide. You don't walk away from something like that and not break something inside. Though, I never attempted suicide until this month.

I've overcome homelessness, and one prior marriage that ended in an affair without turning to my old drug of choice.

As I mentioned, I've battled depression since the spring of 2012. Further, the more I educate myself I honestly believe my spouse gaslights me and has been ever since we got married 13 years ago. We lived together for a year before we got married, and I never, ever saw this side. Looking back, she does have an extensive history of lying to me in one degree or another....I should have ran when I had the chance. But, I believe this gaslight effect has hurt my mental health to a degree. Over the years she has called me names in public, shoved me, berated me over small things like forgetting to add fabric softner, not trimming the hedges correctly etc.

As our situation got bad to worse over the last several months, I was hospitalized for depression in August. I was started on medication that zoned me out, and she posted pictures of me asleep with a plate of food in my lap after the meds knocked me out. When I went into the hospital in August my BP was 200/100. She made rude comments at my expense in that picture and some of my shared friends with her, felt terrible she was doing that.

We have been renting a home from a family friend since the summer and we couldn't pay the rent in November. I asked, if she would contact family for assistance, (they are well off)..I started work that month after being off/on work since last fall. I am in sales by trade but as a result of the prolonged depression, lost my "sell or die" attitude.

As I say, 2 Emotional Affairs, that I know of at this moment. (supposedly broken off after I confronted her with the evidence). 1 of the 2 I knew was on her wall and a sore issue for me since the spring of 2012. He frequently sent messages to her and was stalking her. She didn't, "see the big deal about having him around, he was an old friend..." (and here comes the gaslight "..besides, he isn't the are!"

I felt suffocated. She was rolling me under the bus (and at on another post, I will delve into that) to her friends, and family. They were urging her to leave me for my instability and PTSD. She could do and did no wrong. It should be no problem she can talk with whomever she wants to as long as she doesn't see a problem, and when I confront her...she falls back into, "They aren't the are for the following reasons..."

The first week of Nov. It suddenly occured to me why she didn't want to ask for help, though they had the money to pay cash for the house we live in and not stress their networth. The money wasn't the issue....she wanted our family, to end into the gutter.

I pleaded with her to ask for help until I started my job. She said, "You know. This isn't working. I've done everything I can to save this marriage!"

I was stunned!! I said, "No Way! What Nonsense, you won't remove this man that you flirted with online in April, that stalks you, sends you routine messages, banters openly with you on F.B infront of me...get rid of him before you make that claim!" Again, "No. I won't. He isn't the are the problem." I want out she says.

The kids are in the living room and can hear this.
She goes back into our room and proceeds to tell me my PTSD and depression are a tool to manipulate everyone I know. Though, I have seen doctors and have legitimate diagnosis for suffering years of the abuse and losing my life momentarily from a such a violent act and live with those memories.

She was ruthless with me that night.

I like any recovering addict, and suicide, to me was my drug of choice. I wired my brain as a child to escape the emotional trauma of child abuse to fly away through suicide.

I ran downstairs. I took a screen capture of this man, posted it on her wall and said, "F@ this life."

For the first time in 27 years, I strongly considered suicide. I kissed my kids goodbye and ran out the door.

I ran several miles in the middle of the night to a bridge, but I kept going. I know what happens when a person lets go of life and into the depths of death and dying. I knew the moment, I let go..I would regret it.

I ran into the mountains and sat down in the woods for 14 hours and cried, threw rocks, smashed branches and logs against trees. I got it out of my system. I watched the state police helicopter search for me for an hour and a half.

I decided at 4:00 AM to go home. When I got home, she was waiting for me and called the police back. They came and got me, handcuffed me, took me to the hospital.

I spoke to the crisis counselor and ER doc and they wanted to know what triggered this and if I was a treat to myself. I told them I wasn't. Living is my testimony to sobriety over suicide. If I wanted to die, I would have jumped. I have just reached the end of my abilty to cope with what was happening to me. They asked me about her and do you know what the doctor asked me, "Has she told you about the affair yet?"

They released me after an hour. I continue to see my therapist for treatment...

This is where the sex messaging comes into play. During the night, while I was at the hospital, an old friend contacted her through FB to see how she was handling things. SHe was quick to tell her 1,200 friends and mine, I had gone to the bridge to kill myself..

Since that night: I have lost so many friends. Few people will speak to me. My friend is throwing us out of his home. I had to sped Thanksgiving alone,and not one person ever questioned her about what happened that night?

As the weeks passed from that terrible night, she turned to this man. When I found the evidence she rationalized it as my fault for doing what I did that night. Her exact words, "I thought I was going to be a widow.." She replaced me in less than 3 weeks.

I look forward to seeing my counselor. They provide expert witness services in court. Few people, know of the things i have shared here. A few in our social circle, know do, and our in stunned silence at my spouse. She is charming, friendly, high energy, beautiful, everyone's friend and aquaunitance until you cross her or see that side of her and once you do... she distances herself from you.

She takes marital advice from teenagers, divorced people and she entertains a friendship with a woman whos own hubby, had an affair in his church office 1 year after seminary and lost his collar and church...she saved their marriage, but based on what my spouse tells her of me...I'm unworthy to save.

It feels good, to get this stuff off of my chest.

Secrets Kept posted 12/7/2013 21:24 PM

I am so very sorry BH99.

Please be strong. Your kids are really gonna need you with the shit your WW is pulling.

Me personally would "out" the bitch to everyone!! Why should you take the shame? You did nothing wrong & her affair is in no way your fault whatsoever!! You deserve better than this shit.

Others here on SI tell women that it is time to dig out & put on those "bitch boots" & get tough. (not sure of a correct male term but you get the point)

Time for you to fight back & get tough!!

Hang in there & post when you need. We are here for you!!!

Brokenhearted99 posted 12/10/2013 07:07 AM

Over the last two days what I've learned:

She accepts it was wrong, but says my struggles to maintain steady income this past year, issues with depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, drove her into this. She maintains, it was a one time lapse in moral behavior and insists the second man wasn't an affair because she wasn't attracted to him and she viewed him as a friend. I take it to mean, if she were single, she wouldn't have bothered with him in a romantic way, but I don't understand why she tolerated his regular messages that were beyond the bounds of other male friends on F.B.

The repulsive, "Oh, My, God," moments come in waves. Overall things between us have been actually good. She allows me to talk to her about my hurt, fears and anger. She accepts it's something that I need to do.

Well, last night, on my way to bed it hit me like a bolt of lighting. Two weeks ago, I was doing our laundry and I picked up a pair of her underwear and the style was different than what she had been buying for the last 5 years. The last time she bought anything remotely feminine and sexy was in 2008. On the day I was doing laundry, when I picked them up, I immediately dropped them and thought, "Oh My God!" That was my reflex. These were different! I know her, she has refused to purchase anything like this for years. Also, during this time, I had to run down the street to do an errand. I came home sooner than I expected. Our youngest was home sick. When I walked in the house, she had the door to our room closed. Which I thought was odd.. I opened the door and she was startled. I asked her, "Why is the door closed?" She told me she didn't want our son to see her change. Again, this was...odd. He was down and out on the couch watching tv and not really motivated to get up off the couch. She looked flustered in the face.

So yesterday on my way to bed, and I asked her before, "did you send pictures of yourself to your soldier boyfriend overseas?" She denied it.

Still, I can not shake this feeling. The underwear, closed door, lying about 4:00 AM our daughter was up sick. I took care of her came back to bed and made it a point to thrash around enough to wake her up.

I said, "Look. I know men. If I'm having an EA with you, and I know your FB profile has very tame pictures of you...I want alluring suggestive pictures of you. Since, I can't be with you, pictures of you...would be the next best thing." Again, she denied it. So, I rephrased the question and she says, "Well. It did come up. He asked for them, and I refused because I didn't want them out there for this reason." I said, "Why? Why when I first asked you wouldn't you just say that to me, 'He asked for them. I refused..."

She offered me her phone this morning. I still can not shake this feeling she isn't being honest with me about sharing suggestive pictures of herself to a some soldier that now he is jilted may share these pictures with others.

She also said regarding the extent of their sexual discussions: Were him complaining about his wife's lack of attention in bed, (I reminded her of her same issues with me over the last 6 months)I knew about her message to him, while she was undressed in our bed, while I was tucking our sons in bed across the hall about the joy of inhibited drunk sex. Finally, she told me he asked if she would like to give him oral.

My concern, is her lack of candor. Her lack of candor, causes me to fear, there is more she isn't sharing with me.

Why don't our spouses not see this? WTH! If you want to end your marriage, have the decency and courage to just END IT. Go through the divorce, wait till the dust clears before you involve other people for this REASON! So, she wants her family but I got this to cope and manage with, all of the @#&* "What ifs!!" How long would this gone on if I hadn't gone through her phone last week.

She has shared with me, it would have continued for a period because it was just in the early phases but she didn't feel comfortable when he asked her if she would like to give him oral. I know her, yes, that would be something she inside would have felt uncomfortable with, planned along for the moment but if he perisisted with it...would have lost her.

Some positives: We are working at this. I do feel a fresh and new tenderness towards her and I also believe it is given back to me. We spent the night on the couch, just watching television and chatting like times past. It was wonderful. After our early morning discussion, I asked if I could hold her and she did say,"no"... I took it as her wanting to go back to sleep because she has two long days at work.

This morning she was carrying her phone around her with her again and I pointed it out and said, "Look. You still can't pry that out of your hands! You're still taking it into the bathroom with you for heavens sake!' She handed me the phone and said, "You can go through it. I used it as a flashlight this morning when I into the living room to turn up the heat just prior to heading into the shower."

All I know, this sucks. The two of them took something from me and his wife. I doubt she knows...

Brokenhearted99 posted 12/10/2013 07:16 AM

ETA: I know his profile on F.B. He's also a minister. I want to message this punk and tell him to stay away from my wife, one of his friends is my SIL. I want to say, "My Brother in Jesus, please refrain from contacting my wife again and asking her if she would like to provide you with oral pleasures...oh, but, by the way dude...the make up sex was off the charts!" I know it wouldn't be rational to do this and I won't. I've looked at the message button and came close once, but I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing he hurt me.

Brokenhearted99 posted 12/10/2013 07:57 AM

I guess what's bothering me, is if the truth were a game, she would be playing, "Battleship" with me. She isn't/didn't/won't show me her board. I have to ask the right question just as in the game, "B-7, B-6, B-5" to hear the successive, "Miss, Miss, Miss.." Finally, if I ask the correct question, "Hit."

Kalliopeia posted 12/10/2013 09:09 AM

I'm not sure that you are going to be able to tolarate going through this gaslighting and gaming she is inflicting on you.

You have children. You are already in a difficult position in terms of your credibility being undermined publically.

I don't usually recommend this from the get go, but she needs ditched.

File divorce, restraining order, and for 100% full custody before she does it to you.

Take the initiative because this woman is not a good person and she is already dragging you through the dirt in front of everyone.

You went for some time to yourself in the woods, you came back and she called the police on you and they actually handcuffed you and toted you off? This is serious business. Get an attorney yesterday.

Sorry :(

Kalliopeia posted 12/10/2013 09:40 AM

also, if OM is an actual minister with a church, out him to the congregation. He's going to look awesomely attractive to your wife with everyone else heaping their disgust on him.

Brokenhearted99 posted 12/10/2013 11:14 AM

I just wrote the OM on F.B. I told this brother in Christ, God would not approve of his relationship with my wife. I told him I knew what they talked about and I doubted seriously his friends and family would approve of his conversations with her. I also, just messaged my wife about this contact. I havene't heard back. But darn it, I wanted him to know, I knew about him...

HeartbrokenDude posted 12/10/2013 13:02 PM

Guy is a minister? For everyone's sake I hope his God is real, and he burns in hell.

Long Gone posted 12/10/2013 13:19 PM

you did good

Brokenhearted99 posted 12/10/2013 13:38 PM

I'm not sure about the minister part, he is a graduate of a Christian college and he runs in the same circles my wife's family does and they are all church minded people. He's friends with my SIL.

I told him: You had no right to take what didn't belong to you, I wouldn't have done that to you. While the two of you were indulging in online sex chat, I was tucking 3 precious children in bed. You weren't the only man in her life at that time, so you need to come down a peg brother...she was cheating on you as well with another man also.

I just got a message from a dear friend of mine that is a legitimate pastor and family counselor and he green lighted my actions. He said, "When you mentioned it, I could never answer that one for you but I would have done the same thing, and I would imagine most spouses would do likewise given the chance."

I just called my spouse (about a different subject) but before I got off the phone, I told her. You could have heard a pen drop. She wasn't angry, nor defensive. She said, "Okay." But there was a definite moment of silence. It will be interesting if this man decides to write back. If not, I hopefully doused his conscience for his own family with a 5 gallon can of gas and lit a match to it...maybe send him running back to his own family.

Brokenhearted99 posted 12/10/2013 14:48 PM

Spoke to soon, she is furious with me for contacting him. This can't be good for untold reasons, I would imagine

Brokenhearted99 posted 12/10/2013 17:55 PM

I just spoke to her again... she is angry with me. I told her I blocked the man after I sent the message, I said my peace to him.

I asked her, "Why are you mad at me?"

"I don't want to argue about it. You are only going to explain away why I am angry with you!"

On contrary, I want to know why the hell you would be mad with me. "I can't talk about it now, we'll talk when I get home in a bit."

I feel, she is going to punish me somehow. She is going to spin this on me and make it so I did some vile thing as contacting him.

Why!? If I know everything and there is no more contact..why is this a problem?

I can't leave at this point. I make minimum wage. I used to make really good money but this depression robbed me of my instinct as a salesman. I don't have the sell or die attitude anymore. Most days I struggle to get out of bed. We only have 1 car and she has that. We are getting a replacement here in Feb

I want to talk to my counselor and be in therapy for a minimum of 6 before making a choice like this. I need to ask myself, "Where am I going to live?" I can't live in this community so I'll more than likely move 80 miles away but that means I won't have access to my kids like I do know.

Brokenhearted99 posted 12/10/2013 18:26 PM

Sorry to bump my topic again, but I shared something with this man, about what her sister told me 10 years ago. She told me, "I wouldn't trust her as far as you could throw her, I would get away from her before she hurts you, and it's sad considering she is my own sister."

Now, I know, if she knew I told him about that discussion and she knows I had it. I told her in 2003 about it. She would be furious with me, and I suspect, if they took their affair underground, he would probably tell her I said that about her. Thus, overplaying her hand because she yelled at me on the phone, "How would i have no contact wit him when I blocked him!" Like draw attention away from the fact she may have various email accounts or other social networks. I am very alarmed she would be this angry with me.

I am giving strong thought to what the future looks like without her. I am deeply sad over this, I don't want my kids to go through this. I want them to have a stable home without divorce.

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