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Follow up to my own midlife crisis post

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suckstobeme posted 12/7/2013 13:14 PM

I brought it up in IC today that I feel, I don't know, like I'm evolving into something different. I've been seeing this IC regularly for three years now.

She said, "you're much healthier than you were.". I walked into her office for the first time a co dependent, heart broken, out of control mess. Now, the way I talk about exWH, she said she can see and hear my detachment.

She brought up a concept called "magnet attraction.". She said my ex is a plus 5, which means he shows strong tendencies for either narcissism, anti social behavior, borderline personality, addiction or a combination of some/all. Me, on the other hand, at the height of our attraction, was a minus 5. That means I was co dependent and over functioned to allow him to continue acting selfish and lazy in all aspects of our partnership. That minus 5 allowed me to not even notice the fact that our personalities were polar opposite, and apparently not in a good way.

She said that he will never move off that spot. Plus 5 is his destiny. While some people can move themselves a bit off that rating, it's difficult because it takes a lot of work and introspection, something that we know is very hard for these types to stomach.

Even though i fought it for the longest time, I finally moved off my spot. I was forced to do it by this monumental change. The more I move from that old suckstobeme mind set and attitude toward life and relationships, the less attraction I will have for him and for anyone else who displays those traits. I know in my soul it just would never work now. I'm the one who's changed. Something inside will never allow me to go back.

So, for everyone out there who thinks you're stuck, please know you're not. It takes time and lots of healing to get unstuck. I'm still not all the way there yet. I have set backs all the time. But, I feel the hope now. Whereas I used to just hope that my comfortable life would somehow be returned to me so that I could wake up from this nightmare, I don't see it that way anymore. I see that old life for what it was, not what I thought it was. And, with every day that passes, I see him as the person he really is - weak, selfish, lazy, and detached from all that is precious in life - instead of who I thought and wanted to believe he was. My hope has evolved from wanting that old life again and that same husband to hope for a better future where I'm in control, I know my worth, and I have faith in my gut.

I wish everyone here this NB change. It's nothing you can touch or see. Its an internal shift that i believe will propel all the rest of the NBs that will happen over the course of the rest of your journey. If we have to go through this, I wish for every one of us to emerge new and improved and leave the old toxic shit behind, not because you had to, but because you finally want to.

FaithFool posted 12/7/2013 19:42 PM

Something inside will never allow me to go back.

I've had a LOT of time to think about this stuff, and this is it, exactly.

Onward and upward it is!

seekingright2013 posted 12/8/2013 06:57 AM

Great post, thanks. I related to a LOT of it.

tryingagain74 posted 12/8/2013 20:49 PM

I think this is why I'm not feeling super alone and hoping wildly that I'll meet someone. I know that's what got me into this mess the last time I had that needy, "why don't have I have a boyfriend?" mindset. Do I really want to make that stupid mistake again? Hell no! That was my pattern as a teenager-- rush into dating a guy, find out he wasn't really who I thought he was (though no boyfriend previous to XWH ever cheated on me to my knowledge), break up, and then the cycle would start again. So much of that came from the fact that I thought something was wrong with me for being single and that my life would be so much better with a significant other.

Well, now it seems that my life is so much better as a singleton, and I'm in NO rush to get involved in another relationship. I think I've grown up a great deal, so I hopefully won't be repeating the same mistakes I made when I was a naive, needy kid.

SBB posted 12/9/2013 04:12 AM

I see that old life for what it was, not what I thought it was.

Absolutely. Astonishing, isn't it?

That minus 5 allowed me to not even notice the fact that our personalities were polar opposite, and apparently not in a good way.

This too.

I'm so proud of you my friend. I love this.

Thank you for sharing it.

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