The past three years to say the least have been an emotional hell for me. I have not gotten resolution or trust because she refused to own her crap and help me heal. I thought I was just being a jerk and selfish till I found SI. Now I understand.
HERE IS MY DILEMMA: My faith only allows me to divorce for the cause of sexual immorality, while the kissing pisses me off, it does not qualify. My gut says there’s more. As I’ve been putting the pressure on for her to stop being rebellious and do the right thing, she has now said she wants me out of the house etc. This has fast-tracked me coming to terms with the option of divorce for the above reason. BUT I have no proof. Only common sense SCREAMING that there is more, she’s LYING and I can’t trust anything she says, AND I CHECKED HER PHONE THE OTHER DAY AND SHE STILL HAS HIS CELL# UNDER A PSEUDONAME!!! MORE LIES!. At this point I am personally trying to “prove” the infidelity so it is not a problem in my church community. I have plenty for the court I believe. I called OP he said pretty much what WS said but that was after he said they were just friends, I let slip I know they kissed, he said that was as far as it went. MY GUT TELLS ME SHE’S LYING ABOUT THE EXTENT OF THE A, BUT THIS LACK OF “PROOF” is nagging at me.
WS has promised that on MONDAY she is going to file for divorce and do whatever it takes to get an order to have me put out of the house.
DO I TAKE THE MORNING OFF MONDAY AND FILE FIRST FOR INFIDELITY (still carries a little weight in my state) AND HOPE IT ALL COMES OUT???
BS’s and WS’s please comment!! (sorry, so much for “brief”)
[This message edited by stupidBS at 2:50 PM, December 7th (Saturday)]
If/when i file, i plan to have her evaluated as part of the court proceedings, esp since she plans to allege that i'm an unfit father/husband.
Your not stupid. Just a loving husband looking for fidelity and love from the one who promised to love and cherish til' death...we know all about it!
A few months later she very magnanimously and “lovingly” told me that she didn’t want to marry me, but she followed through because she didn’t want to devastate me.
She said they had kissed and that’s all she would tell. I continued to press and she said “we didn’t have intercourse.”
DO I TAKE THE MORNING OFF MONDAY AND FILE FIRST FOR INFIDELITY
She is not your wife, not your friend, hell she is the enemy. She does not give a two shits about you. Treat her as such. Protect yourself!!
No holds barred, let her rip! It is quite alright to use stealth and covertness to achieve your goal of self preservation.
And please have a look the forums: Divorce and Separation. The good folks down there have great ideas and experience. The will help you navigate this labyrinth of divorce with aplomb and self respect.
Take care my dear SBS. We are listening and we care.
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Heck YES, you need to file first and ask for custody, child support, sole use of the house, etc. If you can find any lawyer open today, you should go immediately!
This is now war. It's scorched earth war. Start fighting, hard.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I'm sincerely sorry this woman has manipulated your daughter - that's an absolute shame.
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
Minimize potential damage. File. Be quiet about it.
fucj her. really.
You deserve better.
I'm strongly tempted to get her in a meeting (if i can) with our church leaders and confront her on her lies, and see if i can't get a confession out of her. (ie: "Did you get rid of his number 2 years ago like you said you did? Lie #1 here it is from your phone last week. i talked to him too, so now is your chance to come clean on everything. What did you do with him, what did you say to him, etc.). Don't know if it would even work, but it's the only way i can see to get "proof" or at least some semblance of truth.
Or it may just be a waste of my time and energy.
You can't fix her though. A group of gnarly churchmen looking down upon her with approbation can't fix her. No thing you can arrange to be done can fix her.
She has to fix herself. That's the simple truth.
Let me ask you something. What if you cheated? What would you not do to make it right? To fix it?
I believe you'd leave no stone unturned.
That's what she needs to do.
If she doesn't, and is not willing - if she's not remorseful, then the 180 is your best friend!
This is not your fault. What she chose to do had nothing to do with you. Close your ears to anything that remotely sounds like that.
(the kissing qualifies - even the thought qualifies - stop making excuses for her by holding your understanding as a shield for reality).
Or it may just be a waste of my time and energy.
If you want to do that go ahead. But file ASAP. Beat her to the punch. Scorched earth baby!
She looks and smells just like your wife but she is a pod person...she is in a position to hurt you...for life...really bad.
Preemptive is best. Strategy ...General Tsao and all...you get the idea. PROTECT!
If she comes out of her limerance fog then you have options, but if not you will have your exit strategy in place.
Stay focused because it's GAME ON!
Clarity and strength to you SBS.
Hell no don't let her kick you out of the house..You may have to get and wear a var so that you can prove that you aren't being obnoxious to live with and that you aren't being abusive..This is where it will come in handy if you file first, you can get exclusive use of the house, especially since your WW seems to be okay financially and you have evidence of infidelity on her part..
I think it is unconscionable that your WW turned one of your kiddos against you...
If for no other reason than this it might be worth it to hire a private detective and try to get picture proof of her kissing the OM or her texts to him..
I have tons of hard copy proof of my WH's shenanigans..I have been told that it will not help me in D court... Due to the disgusting nature of my proof, I keep it..I may have to enlighten my grown kids about the true character of my WH should he decide to do what your WW is doing with your daughter..
Please do file immediately..and if I were you I would follow the divorce through to its finality.. Don't let her manipulate you into putting a divorce on hold...If your WW pulls her head out of her butt years down the line, R'ing the relationship may be possible if you are still available and willing, but keep yourself protected( i.e. don't remarry her).
I agree with a previous poster..At the moment, unless you take legal measures to protect yourself, your WW is in a position to hurt you for life..
Wishing you strength...
[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:33 AM, December 8th (Sunday)]
So my oldest two kids hate me for no real reason other than my WW lies and fantasies, and I didn't get to see them for Thanksgiving or Christmas (she said they were out of town Eve and didn't tell me they were back until Thursday morn, turns out they were home all day Christmas day ) Just another way for her to make me look like a slacker jerk bringing by their gifts a day late.
On the bright side, she keeps making herself look horrible for the future judge, and she should be getting served today.
I indicated on previous post that i thought she was borderline NPD (i know, I'm no psychologist). But seriously after researching further I'm convinced she has Borderline Personality Disorder (at least mildly), and I suffer from it (if you know what i mean). BPD's also tend to be a little narcissistic, hence the previous hunch. Anyway, lesson learned... don't marry a BPD.