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Newest Member: Zhendeda (61773)

User Topic: Hate
♀ 41313
Member # 41313
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I must be a terrible person because I feel such hatred towards the OW. I deeply, strongly, permanently hate her. I hope she is suffering. It makes me glad to know she is unhappy. I hope she is harmed. I even want her to watch her children suffer in some way.

I have never ever felt this level of hate before. I wish she were not on this earth. It bothers me that she is out there somewhere just breathing.

Posts: 204 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm right there with you.

The only way I could get through many days since Dday was to fantasize horrible things happening to OW. It seems though that she has continued on in her life unscathed like nothing happened, while I have had such terrible pain every day.
I wish God would give her what she deserves.


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 10 mo. EA/ PA with COW; Dday 5/2011
Married 28 years/Together 29 years/4 kids together
OW 20 years younger than us/divorced no kids
Trying to R; don't know what the final outcome will be

Posts: 2489 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 16482
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your feelings are normal. As much as I preach that she didn't hogtie your WH and haul him away kicking and screaming, some parts are hard to overlook. The OW in my case counseled my X all the way through it step by step. Played him like a fiddle. Some days it's hard to forget her part.

I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.

Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ow was totally involved in hurting you. Hate is natural, especially this close to D-Day.

You've traumatized. Your thoughts and feelings will be very volatile and very hard to accept, probably for months. Just let them flow without judging yourself, without acting on the thoughts and feelings, and be kind to yourself.

If a hug will help - (((Dyinghere)))

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 17017 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 32165
Member # 32165
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had the hate in the beginning, they knew he was married, knew about me, even stalked me online to see and find out more. It's hard to know someone knows he loves you and actively tries to steal them away while you're trying to start a family after having already miscarried. That's a level of low I'll never understand. But as time went on I felt like they were just pathetic, broken ppl who couldn't have a real relationship with anyone and went after whoever they wanted, at whatever the cost, the crazy one really just because she could and I think for the 'win' rather than him; she wanted my life, to just kick me out of it and step on in for herself. They're sick. It's not normal. It's absolutely devastating to us what they and moreso our spouses did to us, but I don't have anywhere near the revenge fantasies I used to about her/them. I'm more focused on whether or not our relationship can be worked out or not now. They can continue to make the choices that make them who they are, and reap the benefits. Wasted life and no respect from the men they weasel into having sex with. You're better than that.
Sometimes you just have to go through that hate to get to the indifference. The hate comes from the level of hurt inflicted.
Long winded I get it, and hope you move on towards indifference soon. :)

Him WH
"The trick is to keep breathing." - Garbage

Posts: 200 | Registered: May 2011
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hatred is human and, right now, very understandable. Don't rag on yourself because you feel this. Feelings are really neither right or wrong, they just are. Acting on the feelings is different. So feel your feelings of hatred until you don't feel that you need to any more. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 10160 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 41313
Member # 41313
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just stunned by it. I'm not acting on it. I am a natural peacemaker. Non confrontational. Easygoing. Quiet.

This hatred is so real, it is palpable. I totally despise her.

Posts: 204 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ 41135
Member # 41135
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right there with you. I hate so many things today and just don't like the feeling. I wish that something horrible will happen to her. I flip between being deeply sad to being raging mad. Hopefully it will start to subside.

Me BW 52, Him WH 48
Married 13 years,
2 DDs (12 and 10)
D-Day Confirmed 10/24/13 suspected before that but did not want to believe it.
WH filed for D 11/12/13
2/8/14 WH asked if he could come home.

Posts: 277 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ 39682
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to t/j but holy shit Shattered-Heart!! I had the same situation! We were struggling with infertility and multiple miscarriages when the sexting started and had just had DS 7 mos before PA. I can't wrap my head around that!!

Back to the original post, I felt the same for a while. I'm at a place where while I don't wish her harm, I wouldn't mind hearing her BF left her or even better, cheated. Hopefully someday soon I get to a place of indifference.

Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 876 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
♀ 40139
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Dyinghere)) So normal. Just let yourself feel it - it's part of the healing, part of getting your power and your dignity back. The emotion seems to fade with time and perspective, I think. I have moments and days where I am filled with hatred for her, but mostly I have come to a place of indifference. She is nothing. She doesn't matter at all. If she were hit by a bus today, I wouldn't even happy dance... that's how little I care. Whatever. Cure cancer, get abducted by aliens, get sold into the sex trade - I don't care. She and I have nothing to do with each other - she is not part of my life. My H had an affair with her, I didn't. She doesn't have an invitation to be inside my head.

Me: Believer, 40s
Him: Liar, 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
In successful R. It only hurts now when it rains.

Posts: 865 | Registered: Jul 2013
♂ 41286
Member # 41286
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I was only treated as a minor inconvenience in their otherwise perfect life together... and I still can't forgive the OM part in this. He knew all the facts and still poached my wife. I feel deeply for those who have been stalked, invaded, threatened, and openly mocked. May karma be a total unforgiving whore to them all.

Me: 42
WW: 36
Latest D-day: Sept 2013
Reconciling? Limbo?

Posts: 96 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NE Ohio
♂ 41150
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, it IS wintertime.

(See signature line)

Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 40249
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, December 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only way I could survive the mind movies early on was imagining violence against the OM. The anger sometimes overcomes me in my car and I pound on the steering wheel and scream at the top of my lungs. Never acted on any of it. I don't judge myself for the feelings of anger. I think what you are feeling is perfectly healthy and normal. It actually feels good to know that I can feel this level of anger and find appropriate and healthy ways to let it out.

The thing that makes me most angry these days is the thought that my newborn baby girl is around the OM and that my other children will be exposed to the OM when he and my WW become more publicly involved with each other. It makes me physically ill to think about. I'm working on emotionally detaching from that reality because I know I can do nothing about it. The harm that will come to my children from that situation will be my WW's responsibility. Until I achieve that emotional detachment, I sometimes have to deal with breathtakingly intense emotions.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: United States
♀ 40674
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 1:50 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was taught as a child my feelings didn't count. So I never did hate. Boy am I getting over that now.
Big row with fwh this week when he said I should pity OW. (We were talking about why I'm scared of the pathetic whore). I told him I would never get past the point of wanting to see her bleeding to death on the floor in front of me.
Maybe I will but it won't be any time soon.

Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."

Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
Member # 40758
Default  Posted: 2:10 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right there with everyone. WH made his own decision, but I know in my situation , ow knew what she was doing. She played innocent, ill listen to you . Your wife is too busy taking care of your kids, house, working, creating a family life. Your wife doesn't hear your needs ,BS .
I , at this point, would love to see her suffer.
And hope she has tragedy in her life. I Am in health care very near her residence, and hope one day she will need my care.

Isn't that awful to think that way. But she thought she could break up someone's life. And my selfish WH fell for her BS!

Posts: 116 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ 41313
Member # 41313
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She deliberately tried to blow up my family. She thought about whether it was right or wrong and decided it was right because they could make each other "happy." She thought it would all turn out great in the end. She wanted to be a stepmom to my children. She said they were meant to be.

Oh, and she is married with 2 children.

It ought to be illegal. Honestly. Some countries stone people for this behavior.

I want to throw a rock or two at her.

Posts: 204 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ 41433
Member # 41433
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm there too.
The things I dream of doing to her..well, I'm glad no one can see into my mind.

He left me 18 weeks pregnant with twins for another.I am a Licensed Private even happens to us.

Posts: 354 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
♂ 26970
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..I see nothing wrong with a good healthy dose of hate... towards a person who would deliberately invade and destroy the relationship, marriage and family of another.. and do it under a cloak of friendship.

..the OM pretended to be my friend in order to continue contact with my wife over 25 years. His lifetime of deception caught up with his conscience and a big fat brain tumour grew in his perverted head and killed him.

..he is deserving of my hate and contempt. I have no reason to give him any empathy or compassion.

..his widow and 2 fatherless sons now bear the brunt of his actions, as did his now deceased mother and aging father.

..hate is what you get when you seek to destroy another man's life.

my only regret is that I didn't get to beat the shit out of him when I had the chance


[This message edited by somanyyears at 11:05 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 70
Her 66
Married 45 yrs (together 50 years!)
18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer.
. died from a brain tumor@57

Posts: 4976 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Ontario Canada
♀ 23777
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know and I understand. I wish thw OW would be hit by an 18 wheeler but she is so fat the truck might bounce off.
Know this is normal or the new normal.

[This message edited by selkiescot at 9:11 AM, December 8th (Sunday)]

The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1411 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
♀ 40605
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely get it. The hate I feel is very intense and very real. I dream about beating her bloody. I hope she dies of cancer, alone, with no morphine. I hope her children spit on her and her husband leaves her to be with someone who makes him happier than she ever did. I wish her every kind of pain and suffering, and I wish I could see it happen.

My WH has a hard time with this, because he feels like I am really feeling this way about him and just aiming it at her. I am sure there is some truth that, but only some.

Me: BS, 46
Him: WH, 47
Together 24 years
4 amazing kids
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Choosing myself daily and R almost every day

Posts: 699 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 29
Pages: 1 · 2

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