Your WH (Wayward Husband) has a lot of work to do to FIX THIS MESS he's made - so he doesn't need to be acting out, yelling and complaining about a wee bit of "Kitchen Duty."
Espcially since he KNOWS you are involved with your Graduate Finals and deadlines.
What exactly is your WH doing to address what you believe is his Porn Addiction, and his ONS with the massage therapist?
---Is he seeking counseling/therapy?
---What is your WH doing to help YOU heal from the destruction he's caused in your marriage?
HE made this MESS, and it's his JOB to start FIXING everything he's broken.
Perhaps it time for you to set some firm boudaries with your husband - starting with: Not being afraid to ask for support and help around the home, especially when you are engrossed with Final and Deadlines with your graduate studies.
I'm sincerely sorry for the pain and turmoil you're going through.
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
What you choose to do about this is another story. Sounds like you two have been working on this a long time, with little success. You may need a different strategy.
I can't offer any suggestions as I haven't figured out how to deal with WW's behaviour. We're continuing IC and MC. They seem to be helping.
And since I wasn't happy about the kitchen it discounted everything he'd done and he might as had not done it. I feel so little when he does this and I'm sure it triggers years of him resenting and blaming me. Now I feel nervous asking if he's still going to get the groceries.
It sounds like a problem in the kitchen resulted in discounting the other things he did around the house. Did you do the discounting, or did he?
If you did, how did you express your dissatisfaction with what he did/didn't do in the kitchen?
If he did the discounting (which I suspect is the case), he really needs to get into IC with a good C. He may build up resentments, but only he can fix that.
You might be able to reduce some of the tension by discussing who does each task and writing down your agreements. That way, his commitments are explicit and impossible to hide from, and you can always say, 'You agreed to do these things, and I don't want to see a long face.' But ultimately he's the one who has to decide to pull his weight without getting angry at you.
BTW, are household tasks deal breakers for you? If they are, it's probably easier to get his commitment to do them.
[This message edited by sisoon at 12:40 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]
[This message edited by plainpain at 2:53 AM, December 9th (Monday)]
Interestingly he offered to do my teenage sons extra work this week and my son said only if you won't hold it against me later and be upset that you did all these things for me and you didn't get the break you wanted. Sad- my kids feel it to. WH just said give a guy a break when he's trying to do something nice- I just won't do it and son said fine. He doesn't get it.
Not saying this is your situations, but this sounds a lot like something my H used to do - volunteer to do stuff nobody needed or wanted him to do, do it for a bit (badly), get 'fired' from 'helping' or stomp off in frustration over something, then take credit for having done it or having been willing to do it, and then complain about not getting enough APPRECIATION. Oh my gosh, if I had a dollar for every time my H said he felt 'unappreciated'. We could have said thank you, thank you, thank you a million times, and it would not have been enough.
He would offer to make lunch, put some water on, throw in some pasta, then go do some things and ask me to 'watch it'. He'd make a sauce - ask me to just brown the meat for him while he did a few things - then he'd open some cans, throw in some seasonings, and let it simmer. He'd ask me to help out by making a salad. And if I didn't set the table, he'd get very annoyed - like I was just letting him do all the work. He wouldn't clear the table or do dishes EVER. And then he would spend the rest of the day reminding us in little ways that he had MADE LUNCH, and we would have to repeatedly assure him that it was REALLY GOOD and that we all REALLY APPRECIATED IT.
He's worked through a lot of behavioral patterns since then, passive aggressive stuff, blame-shifting, etc. I'm still working through some issues, too. Abusers find enablers, I guess. I spent a lot of time 'empathizing' with him, defending him, making excuses and justifications for him. Bottom line, he was an ass.
Participating in the responsibilities of the home where you live should not be regarded as doing you some kind of favor. It is healthy adult behavior. He is a husband and a father, and he wants to have the whole day off to do nothing?? Ok. Let me know how that's done, I want that, too.
I agree with this:
He's demonstrating a continuation of the Wayward mindset -- entitlement and lack of empathy. He doesn't get it. It's not about accumulating enough brownie points to be able to say, "I did my bit." It's about helping you to achieve your goal -- passing your finals. One is following the letter of the law/agreement between the two of you, the other is following the SPIRIT of that agreement, which is that PARTNERS SUPPORT EACH OTHER in times of difficulty. They don't whinge and moan about how hard it is, giving you additional stress. The whinging and moaning is an effort to deter you from making demands, and clearly he's been successful. Bottom line: it's all about him.
Does anyone else's WS get so bent out of shape over little things?
This is how FWH would act BEFORE DDay. Ever since then he goes out of his way to be helpful. I never demanded it as part of R, but he came to the realization that he was very lazy (his word) before and determined that that was one of the things he needed to change. So, I think for him it's part of his self-improvement program with a side benefit of making me happy too.
Is a pattern of this worth me saying I need better for r?
I think so, but obviously that's up to you. It kind of appears to me that he is trying to make a minimal effort at a time when he should be going all out.
You had a very hard week and his focus should have been on doing everything he could to make it easier for you. Not doing the minimum and then expecting a pat on the head.
Still I see progress- he's trying and he did listen to me.
Forward momentum is the goal and everyone does this at a different speed, so maybe he's just a little bit of a late bloomer?? Just make sure you are seeing true progress/change and not a minimal effort to appease you.
I think tomorrow while I'm at my night class I'll leave a list- please feed the kids and see that the kitchen gets cleaned up .
That sounds like a good plan, but I would make it a goal for him to eventually be more independent in this respect. I would want him to become a PARTNER, not just someone who "helps out". Everyone needs a reminder now and then, but if you have to do it all the time it fosters a parent/child type of relationship rather than a partnership.