When you say that you are totally alone in a new state, do you mean just that you don't have a SO or that you also don't have friends/family?
I'd imagine that if I didn't have a support system, I'd still be mourning my marriage, romanticizing things, and stuck in a rut.
Can you do things to start building a fabulous life for yourself?
Married: 11 years, no kids
Character is destiny
I'm a little different than you because I wasn't married to my partner. But, I can tell you that I am very, very sad about the split. Grief, depression - absolutely. I'm moving into my own apartment for what is really the first time, and I cried all morning, surrounded by what were our joint possessions in an unfamiliar, quiet and cold place.
I sometimes feel the same way you do about this forum, that everyone is just dealing with the complications of life after the divorce but not so much the emotions of the divorce itself. But I think there are people like you and I out there, too. I'm here, anyway.
What I try to take from this feeling that other's aren't sad is that maybe I might get there too. I'm not there now. Sometimes I go to JFO because there are folks there who are more in-line with how I still feel, although that can be pretty intense as well.
I think though, that one thing about this process is how isolating it feels. On and off-line, we all feel like we don't fit in - something about our story makes us feel like an outsider. That's just another horrible byproduct of the ordeal of our broken relationships. And it's just not true. No matter what stage we're at or what our backstory, we all belong here, and we all get each other, and that's why SI is such a fantastic place.
I sometimes feel the same way you do about this forum, that everyone is just dealing with the complications of life after the divorce but not so much the emotions of the divorce itself.
Just FYI, I am one of many here who are dealing with the emotions of the divorce via YEARS of IC. YEARS. If you truly think people here are not dealing with their emotions, it must be because you're relatively new to this forum. (((HUGS)))
Many of us here are getting out of/just got out of horribly abusive marriages. You can't really blame us for rejoicing.
I did not get married with the intention of divorcing. I did not "WANT" to get divorced, and indeed stayed in the marriage for years, allowing myself & my children to be damaged because I didn't want to get divorced. In the end, though, divorce was the only way to get myself & my children away from an abusive, character disordered person. So in the end, yes, I "wanted" to get divorced because I "wanted" to save myself and my children. So yes, I'm thrilled to be divorced. I fought hard for this divorce and have paid dearly for it.
But because I refuse to remain a victim of my ex's abuse, I refuse to stay sad. I will not be sad the rest of my life because of him. He's not going to ruin my life or the lives of my children. I won't let him. Divorce is my second chance at life. I won't be sad that I have a second chance at life.
Cowgirl, I'm wondering if your sadness is letting you know that you need to take a little more action in starting your life over? Is that possible?
I've met some of my closest friends through volunteering -- this has the extra benefit of helping you to feel good about yourself because you're contributing to a cause you care about.
http://www.outsideonline.com/fitness/wellness/The-Pursuit-of-Happiness.html I just read this article yesterday, and have found many of the tips to help me.
You definitely need to feel the sadness and get through the pain. I was there and remember that. However, after a year, it's definitely time to start living for you and building up a support system so that you surround yourself with good, helpful, moral people.
But in the 4.5 years since dday, although I'm sad about being divorced and still have small jags of depression, I am NOT sad that WXH is gone. I think it's okay to be happy you're not with an abuser/cheater/loser and still be sad about divorce.
There is a large part of me that still cannot believe this is my life. I'm still in survival mode and every legal interaction with the divorce throws me for an emotional loop. I am still very much grieving for the loss of my husband, my marriage, my family unit, and my best friend.
I'm focusing on putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. Part of that process is focusing on the details and logistics of the divorce process. I don't think I'll every really be 'happy' about the divorce, but I know I'm doing the right thing and hope to accept it someday.
I have to focus on finding the silver linings to this storm cloud, otherwise I'll fall back into that black hole of depression. I'm doing everything I can to pull out of this tail spin, and it's not easy. I'm taking anti-depressants, hopitalized myself for my depression, and have moved the kids and I in with my parents. I can't imagine making it through this hell without the love and support of my family and friends.
If I were in Jersey, I'd take you out for some coffee and chocolate. Maybe a new book or action movie with popcorn and candy. We could bake a TON of Christmas Cookies and listen to Carols.
Pamper yourself and do whatever comforts you most. We DO understand how much this sucks. ((hugs))
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Please give yourself a big hug and a pat on the back for helping your mother.
You deserve a break and I hope you have someone who can help you get one.
Even though it was absolutely the best, right, and only thng to do.
It's a grieving process. It's a loss. You WILL get through it. It seems to be taking me longer than others, but I know I'll get there. You will too.
I would have liked a remorseful WS, who would have done anything to repair the damage, but that wasn't who he was. For that, I am okay with the fact that splitting up was inevitable - I could nor bear to be with him if he wasn't going to change.
But I am still sad about the fact that he was willing to walk away so easily.
And suddenly I see...what I lost ain't no loss.
-Richie Kotzen, "What I Lost"
Hey NG - did not mean to sweep the group into the "everyone" clause and I'm sorry that I did that. Just wanted to say to Jersey that this post really resonated with me in terms of where I'm at. Your post was a good reminder to me that we're all at slightly different points along this journey. Hugs to you all.
Some of us make lemons out of lemonade.
Some of us were so desperately unhappy in those Ms that even the horrors of S/D are bliss by comparison.
I don't know how to articulate this but when I'm in a difficult place I ask myself "would this still feel shit if I were still in that relationship?". The answer has always been a resounding YES - it would feel worse, actually. I don't mean had the betrayals never happened - I mean in still IN that relationship.
He didn't improve my life one little bit. The love-bombing was intoxicating but it came with a tax. A tax I ignored for the better part of a decade. Any joys I had during that relationship were all my doing. Either my sunny disposition or gas lighting the shit out of myself.
I'm not happy to have found myself in this position? Not one bit. I thought I would die in his arms or him in mine.
My life is is infinitely better in every conceivable way than when I was in that relationship. Even the hard times are easier to handle without having to cope with his neuroses.
I do wish he was the man I thought I loved, married and had children with. Even if we did end up divorcing because of our patent incompatibility it would have been nice to walk away with love. It would be nice to co-parent with someone I admired and respected. I think it would have been nice for my girls too.
Unfortunately I'm not in this with a decent human being. Parallel parenting and re-parenting is the best I can hope for. That is my lemons out of lemonade.
I still mourn the M I thought I was going to have. Its a pensive sadness though, not a wistful one. I also mourn how very wrong I was. That sadness tends to be sharper. That is the place I generally post from here.
I am divorcing who I thought was the love of my life. It is,the single most traumatic thing I've ever experienced. To say I am sad is a dramatic understatement. I did not want to divorce. She said she didn't either. But I had to: she would not change. She would not even try. This is not the life I wanted, and is still can't believe it is happening. But it is, and that is the reality. I am grieving. But I am better. And I will continue to be better because I KNOW it is the right thing to do.
When the divorce is over I will grieve some more as I heap sod over the grave of my marriage and the life I loved and assumed I would always have. But a new life awaits, and a better me will embrace it: that me is a stronger man, a more dignified man. I will reach happiness, and so will you.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.