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Am I the only one here sad about divorving?

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JerseyCowgirl posted 12/7/2013 17:33 PM

I see so many here happy to have their divorce final and I suppose at the time I was too. But a year out and having lost so much and totally alone in a new state I am not rejoicing...I am in fact still in grief; sadness and depression. Just wondered if I am the only one who still feels this intense sadness a year later?

phmh posted 12/7/2013 17:54 PM


When you say that you are totally alone in a new state, do you mean just that you don't have a SO or that you also don't have friends/family?

I'd imagine that if I didn't have a support system, I'd still be mourning my marriage, romanticizing things, and stuck in a rut.

Can you do things to start building a fabulous life for yourself?

Artemisia posted 12/7/2013 17:54 PM

Hugs Jersey. ((Jersey))

I'm a little different than you because I wasn't married to my partner. But, I can tell you that I am very, very sad about the split. Grief, depression - absolutely. I'm moving into my own apartment for what is really the first time, and I cried all morning, surrounded by what were our joint possessions in an unfamiliar, quiet and cold place.

I sometimes feel the same way you do about this forum, that everyone is just dealing with the complications of life after the divorce but not so much the emotions of the divorce itself. But I think there are people like you and I out there, too. I'm here, anyway.

What I try to take from this feeling that other's aren't sad is that maybe I might get there too. I'm not there now. Sometimes I go to JFO because there are folks there who are more in-line with how I still feel, although that can be pretty intense as well.

I think though, that one thing about this process is how isolating it feels. On and off-line, we all feel like we don't fit in - something about our story makes us feel like an outsider. That's just another horrible byproduct of the ordeal of our broken relationships. And it's just not true. No matter what stage we're at or what our backstory, we all belong here, and we all get each other, and that's why SI is such a fantastic place.

Nature_Girl posted 12/7/2013 18:03 PM

I sometimes feel the same way you do about this forum, that everyone is just dealing with the complications of life after the divorce but not so much the emotions of the divorce itself.

Just FYI, I am one of many here who are dealing with the emotions of the divorce via YEARS of IC. YEARS. If you truly think people here are not dealing with their emotions, it must be because you're relatively new to this forum. (((HUGS)))

Many of us here are getting out of/just got out of horribly abusive marriages. You can't really blame us for rejoicing.

JerseyCowgirl posted 12/7/2013 18:12 PM

To phmh--yes afraid so. Very alone except moved in with 90 year old mother with dementia to help her. My exWH would not stop harassing me and left when they found a lump in my breast. Divorce cost me the loss of insurance...our state goes before a MESP panel of judges and they with nothing going for me I moved to where my last family member is...still no job and no insurance. I feel the only thing he did not take from me was my life and some people from back home thought I did die because his first ex wife just died in Nov and some thought it was me.

JerseyCowgirl posted 12/7/2013 18:15 PM

To Artemisia--thank you..
Helping me realize I am not alone when people such as yourself going through the same thing and willing to reach out with your kind words

JerseyCowgirl posted 12/7/2013 18:19 PM

To NatureGirl--I did not mean to infer that those not dealing with emotions are in any way less hurting..just wondered why my depression is getting worse...I truly sorry if I offended anyone

Nature_Girl posted 12/7/2013 18:29 PM

I'm not offended at all, and actually it wasn't your words I quoted. I wanted to point out to Artemesia that allowing oneself to think that "everyone" here is not dealing with their emotions isn't an accurate assessment of this forum. I think anyone who spends even just a little bit of time reading the threads here will see an overwhelming ocean of emotions, including sadness.

I did not get married with the intention of divorcing. I did not "WANT" to get divorced, and indeed stayed in the marriage for years, allowing myself & my children to be damaged because I didn't want to get divorced. In the end, though, divorce was the only way to get myself & my children away from an abusive, character disordered person. So in the end, yes, I "wanted" to get divorced because I "wanted" to save myself and my children. So yes, I'm thrilled to be divorced. I fought hard for this divorce and have paid dearly for it.

But because I refuse to remain a victim of my ex's abuse, I refuse to stay sad. I will not be sad the rest of my life because of him. He's not going to ruin my life or the lives of my children. I won't let him. Divorce is my second chance at life. I won't be sad that I have a second chance at life.

Cowgirl, I'm wondering if your sadness is letting you know that you need to take a little more action in starting your life over? Is that possible?

phmh posted 12/7/2013 18:33 PM

Can you find something to do that gets you out of the house and interacting with people?

I've met some of my closest friends through volunteering -- this has the extra benefit of helping you to feel good about yourself because you're contributing to a cause you care about. I just read this article yesterday, and have found many of the tips to help me.

You definitely need to feel the sadness and get through the pain. I was there and remember that. However, after a year, it's definitely time to start living for you and building up a support system so that you surround yourself with good, helpful, moral people.

IrishLass518 posted 12/7/2013 18:58 PM

JC, I can tell you that I never wanted a divorce, I didn't want my husband to cheat, lie and treat myself and our children terribly either. That was my choice, divorce or stay married and allow his behavior to continue to effect myself and the children. I was sad, melancholy and grieving for a long,long time. It has just been in the few months that I have begun to feel that this was the best choice for me. I believe that I had to divorce him, not that I wanted to, I had to in order to find myself again. I had lost so much of me in the marriage and motherhood. I lost so much of me in his drama. I needed to recognize and validate myself to me. I have immense happiness in my life now. Not everything is perfect, I struggle financially and a worry constantly about raising a boy with no active father in his life. I am happy to be on my journey towards a better me and a better life for both myself and my boy. I feel nothing for my xWH other than pity, I do wish him happiness and I hope he will find some peace some day. I don't believe that he has but who am I to say. It takes time JC, you will find that everyone has a different timeline and a different place to get to.

Griefstricken25 posted 12/7/2013 19:06 PM

I was very sad to divorce, raise my children alone, not share my life with anyone, and feel like my finances will be vulnerable for years and years. Divorce came 2.5 years after dday and I was relieved it was over as I felt WXH had just turned my marriage into a mockery. The day before it was final, I sobbed and sobbed.

But in the 4.5 years since dday, although I'm sad about being divorced and still have small jags of depression, I am NOT sad that WXH is gone. I think it's okay to be happy you're not with an abuser/cheater/loser and still be sad about divorce.

Gemini71 posted 12/7/2013 19:44 PM

JerseyCowgirl, you are not alone.

There is a large part of me that still cannot believe this is my life. I'm still in survival mode and every legal interaction with the divorce throws me for an emotional loop. I am still very much grieving for the loss of my husband, my marriage, my family unit, and my best friend.

I'm focusing on putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. Part of that process is focusing on the details and logistics of the divorce process. I don't think I'll every really be 'happy' about the divorce, but I know I'm doing the right thing and hope to accept it someday.

I have to focus on finding the silver linings to this storm cloud, otherwise I'll fall back into that black hole of depression. I'm doing everything I can to pull out of this tail spin, and it's not easy. I'm taking anti-depressants, hopitalized myself for my depression, and have moved the kids and I in with my parents. I can't imagine making it through this hell without the love and support of my family and friends.

If I were in Jersey, I'd take you out for some coffee and chocolate. Maybe a new book or action movie with popcorn and candy. We could bake a TON of Christmas Cookies and listen to Carols.

Pamper yourself and do whatever comforts you most. We DO understand how much this sucks. ((hugs))

FaithFool posted 12/7/2013 19:46 PM

Hey JC, dealing with an elder with dementia is a HUGE stressor in and of itself. It's no wonder you're not feeling any relief.

Please give yourself a big hug and a pat on the back for helping your mother.

You deserve a break and I hope you have someone who can help you get one.

Grace and Flowers posted 12/7/2013 20:14 PM

I was one of those who didn't want "congratulations" when I divorced. Or cheers, or high fives, or anything. It was a death, to me. Something to grieve. One of the saddest times of my life.

Even though it was absolutely the best, right, and only thng to do.

It's a grieving process. It's a loss. You WILL get through it. It seems to be taking me longer than others, but I know I'll get there. You will too.

ruinedandbroken posted 12/7/2013 20:48 PM

I was devastated to divorce. He didn't show to the divorce proceedings and I sobbed and sobbed in the courtroom. My friend took me out afterwards to "celebrate" and I felt so empty and raw. A year later I was still a sobbing, depressed, mess. It's now almost 2 years after divorce, 3 1/2 years past the day he left and I am just now starting to feel human again. Just starting. I am still severely scarred. I have not been able to date because of trust issues. I have developed social phobias that I never had before. I still have a long way to go but I've also come a long way. And so will you.

Whalers11 posted 12/7/2013 21:27 PM

I'm nearly 4 years out and I still get sad that this is how things ended up. I would've liked a chance at R, but that was not what he wanted.

I would have liked a remorseful WS, who would have done anything to repair the damage, but that wasn't who he was. For that, I am okay with the fact that splitting up was inevitable - I could nor bear to be with him if he wasn't going to change.

But I am still sad about the fact that he was willing to walk away so easily.

Artemisia posted 12/7/2013 22:38 PM


Hey NG - did not mean to sweep the group into the "everyone" clause and I'm sorry that I did that. Just wanted to say to Jersey that this post really resonated with me in terms of where I'm at. Your post was a good reminder to me that we're all at slightly different points along this journey. Hugs to you all.

careerlady posted 12/7/2013 22:57 PM

OMG yeah I am SOOOOO sad I am not going to be part of a complete family anymore. I am devastated that despite my years of effort and sacrifice we have failed anyway because he has refused to put in the effort to stop being a verbally abusive serial cheater. I would give just about anything to not be divorcing. Anything except accepting a verbally abusive serial cheater permanently as my husband. That is where the happiness comes from that surges in between the sadness. The hope that I will one day soon not be walking on eggshells and about to discover a new OW at any moment. It already feels great to not have to care whether he's with another woman or not! Even though it's depressing. Does that make any sense?

SBB posted 12/8/2013 05:49 AM

I think there are some situations that are harder or more challenging than others.

Some of us make lemons out of lemonade.

Some of us were so desperately unhappy in those Ms that even the horrors of S/D are bliss by comparison.

I don't know how to articulate this but when I'm in a difficult place I ask myself "would this still feel shit if I were still in that relationship?". The answer has always been a resounding YES - it would feel worse, actually. I don't mean had the betrayals never happened - I mean in still IN that relationship.

He didn't improve my life one little bit. The love-bombing was intoxicating but it came with a tax. A tax I ignored for the better part of a decade. Any joys I had during that relationship were all my doing. Either my sunny disposition or gas lighting the shit out of myself.

I'm not happy to have found myself in this position? Not one bit. I thought I would die in his arms or him in mine.

My life is is infinitely better in every conceivable way than when I was in that relationship. Even the hard times are easier to handle without having to cope with his neuroses.

I do wish he was the man I thought I loved, married and had children with. Even if we did end up divorcing because of our patent incompatibility it would have been nice to walk away with love. It would be nice to co-parent with someone I admired and respected. I think it would have been nice for my girls too.

Unfortunately I'm not in this with a decent human being. Parallel parenting and re-parenting is the best I can hope for. That is my lemons out of lemonade.

I still mourn the M I thought I was going to have. Its a pensive sadness though, not a wistful one. I also mourn how very wrong I was. That sadness tends to be sharper. That is the place I generally post from here.

Abbondad posted 12/8/2013 08:09 AM


I am divorcing who I thought was the love of my life. It is,the single most traumatic thing I've ever experienced. To say I am sad is a dramatic understatement. I did not want to divorce. She said she didn't either. But I had to: she would not change. She would not even try. This is not the life I wanted, and is still can't believe it is happening. But it is, and that is the reality. I am grieving. But I am better. And I will continue to be better because I KNOW it is the right thing to do.

When the divorce is over I will grieve some more as I heap sod over the grave of my marriage and the life I loved and assumed I would always have. But a new life awaits, and a better me will embrace it: that me is a stronger man, a more dignified man. I will reach happiness, and so will you.

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