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MairISaoirse posted 12/7/2013 21:54 PM

Ive been doing a LOT of soul searching lately, in an effort to identify my demons, give them names so I'm not swinging blindly in the dark.

Ive been feeling great about my discoveries, because I see it as every issue I identify, is another step closer to being the person I want to be, for myself and for my BF.

Problem is, whenever I share my progress with him, he views it as me trying to make excuses for myself in an effort to make me cheating on him not my fault. Said something along the lines of "that doesn't make you any less of a lying cheating whore".

I'm not sure how to proceed, feeling awfully stuck in my progress with him, while my progress with myself feels like it is in turbo speed forward compared to where I feel it should be

unfound posted 12/7/2013 22:13 PM

Good for you for digging deep and figuring out your own issues!

Bad news is that right now, your BF is probably still pissed off. He might not be able to, or willing to celebrate your self discoveries, even though they are helpful to you (and hopefully the relationship).

As the WS, you sometimes have to put your own stuff back a bit. Not saying to stop the self discovery, but he might need to be first right now. He's hurting and angry and not able to see how you fixing you might help him.

"that doesn't make you any less of a lying cheating whore".

How did you react to this? He might be needing the focus on him right now. Acknowledging that, yes, it doesn't change the what you did, but it can change the future if he allows you to be a part of his life.

He's angry. And that's okay, and normal. BS's and WS's don't heal at the same rate. Keep working on you, and at the same time, be sensitive to where he is. It must be awfully hard, I know, but none of this is easy, for anyone.

MairISaoirse posted 12/7/2013 22:23 PM

To the lying cheating whore comment, I just replied that yes, I lied. Yes, I cheated. But I am not a whore.

I don't know how to focus on him right now, because he doesn't want to talk about it, and isn't telling me what he needs from me other than make myself better. Ive been as attentive as I can be for not living together and not wanting to pester him, and ive asked for a list of things that he wants me to : start doing, do more often, don't do as much, and stop doing, but he brushed that idea off (though I still would like something clear, I'm a terrible mind reader)

Aubrie posted 12/7/2013 22:23 PM


Ok excuse me for a sec, but this...

had a naked girl in his bed
WTF does that even mean!? Did she magically fall out of the ceiling into his bed? How exactly does a naked girl just somehow get in his bed?

^^^^^Big red flag. I strongly suggest you proceed with extreme caution.

Like unfound said, a BS isn't going to be super happy and supportive two weeks out from Dday that we're fixing stuff. You will be met with anger and hostility.

Keep working on you. Don't give up on that. Be supportive of your BS. But I feel you should move ahead slowly and with both eyes wide open.

MairISaoirse posted 12/7/2013 22:34 PM

Aubrie. The story was he had friends over drinking, he went to the bathroom to get sick and his friends went to do something outside the house (without her) he came back to find her baked in his bed. He said he told her to get the f out, and he hasn't seen or talked to her since. He didn't feel the need to tell me because he "did the right thing" and he knew it would start a fight when we were already having issues. I really do believe him on this, even though I am still pissed.

MairISaoirse posted 12/7/2013 22:39 PM

It really doesn't help that he has always refused to let me in on his thoughts and feelings, even worse now

TOMTEFAR posted 12/8/2013 16:39 PM

The story was he had friends over drinking, he went to the bathroom to get sick and his friends went to do something outside the house (without her) he came back to find her baked in his bed. He said he told her to get the f out, and he hasn't seen or talked to her since.

Let me get this stright. He walked into his room to find a naked girl in his bed and he proceded to tell her to f out and she did.

If this is the case he did not cheat on you. He handled the situation perfectly except that he didn't tell you. However you are not Mad hatters.

Deeply Scared posted 12/8/2013 16:43 PM


Please leave setting the rules to the Moderators.

Thank you.

MairISaoirse posted 12/9/2013 12:06 PM

If this is the case he did not cheat on you. He handled the situation perfectly except that he didn't tell you. However you are not Mad hatters.

I agree here. I view myself only as the WS, but a mod infromed me otherwise and had to post as such

[This message edited by MairISaoirse at 12:08 PM, December 9th (Monday)]

Unagie posted 12/9/2013 13:47 PM

Here's the thing, why did he not tell you? Why did this girl think it was okay to get naked and into his bed? Why did his friends leave the house and think it was okay to leave him alone with another woman? And one more time, why did he hide it? Why was he talking to his Ex? Why was he hiding it? What do they have to talk about? If he had good intentions and behaved correctly then why make it a big secret? People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. This is one of many issues you need to work out with him.

Now as for his treatment of you, he is hurting. Allow him to vent, rage, and let him get out the toxic anger building in him. Continue to work on you and show him the work.

[This message edited by Unagie at 1:48 PM, December 9th (Monday)]

MairISaoirse posted 12/9/2013 14:40 PM

Unagie - wonder exactly the same things! he says he didnt want to start another argument while we were already going through a tough time. same reason why he hid talking to his ex, because he knew it would start an argument (which it would have, because he was supposed to have NC with her, and let me know if she ever did try to talk to her because he has had a history of lying to me about talking to her- and then he goes and spends time with her!) Supposedly they were just "catching up", talking about sports and talking about me (vomit). Supposedly, she was the only one telling him to stay with me after he found out i cheated.

he has once again gone NC with EXGF and showed me the messages, and she agreed saying "fine, but next time you need someone to talk to, I wont be there" and blocked her again on FB (she magically became unblocked in the last year). and has promised to disclose all future messages from her.

He wont let the anger out though, not to me anyway, other than a hurtful comment here and there every other day.

astudentoflife posted 12/9/2013 18:45 PM

Look, the issue with his contacting his ex and the naked girl in his bed that he did not tell you about immediately are bothering you I think. With good reason.

Here is my opinion and my opinion only. You are working at this with a man who could use this to his advantage, based on his actions (naked girl, contacting ex). I think you are dealing with a lopsided position to be honest.

It actually may serve his interests to keep you off balance. By definition he is in an emotional affair with the ex. (talking about yours and his life to a person outside of the relationship) and alarm bells are ringing for me.

I will not go as far as to say he is cheating physically, however the EA is evident and exactly what an EA is by definition of people on this board. Not telling you these things to "protect you" is bullshit IMHO.

You cheated. No getting away from that. I see you here posting, trying to learn, trying to understand yourself. You are doing the work you need to do. His EA should not be a reason for you to stop any of that and giving him honesty, and transparency. However, I believe your relationship is suffering from his stuff and he is keeping it that way, because it benefits him. That is not fair to you and could be a huge stumbling block in R.

Take care of yourself.

astudentoflife posted 12/9/2013 18:59 PM

I'm going to go a bit further after reading your tagline.

You and him are only 21. I'll bet he thinks it is not cheating if he doesn't get his dick wet. Sorry to be so gross, but it pinpoints my point. I was once that age and thought exactly that. I did not have the maturity to see a relationship as it is and what it needs. Guess that is why I have been married three times. :) (not funny really) My wife just reminded me of things I said about my ONSs, it made me cringe and really deepened my opinion on this subject.

Do you believe he has the maturity for the type of relationship you are working at? Males of that age also have very different thoughts to women cheating and men cheating and what constitutes that. I am sorry for generalizing folks. I do have an opinion and had to voice it. I am not trying to undermine anyone else.

R'ing is hard work even for people of an age and experience that are dealing with a lot of heavy stuff. Sorry, but you two are hardly out of the starting gate yet and I am not sure you are both at the maturity level to do that kind of work. I hope things work out the way you want them to. Just don't let things destroy your own self esteem and make you crazy because odds seem stacked against you.

TOMTEFAR posted 12/10/2013 05:19 AM

@MairISaoirse and @Deeply Scared

Sorry if my responce was out of order.

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