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I asked him to leave today :(

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OptimisticWife posted 12/7/2013 23:43 PM

I don't want to D but I feel my H has left me no option. I have given him far too much of myself and I just can't do it anymore.

We have 4 children and they cried so much when I told them that I had asked their dad to leave. I feel like I have no other option. I thought H was "getting it" but things have gone from hopeful to hopeless in the last few months.

I'm numb. I can't believe this is real. I don't want this but I also feel like I can't back down. He has been aggressive and confrontational. I don't want that in my life or our children's life anymore.

I am not ready to tell any family or friends. They don't even know about the A. I hate this

[This message edited by OptimisticWife at 11:46 PM, December 7th (Saturday)]

Pass posted 12/8/2013 00:09 AM

You're in a world of pain right now - a world that was totally created by your husband - and you don't even have the time to wallow in your pain, because you are busy helping your kids deal with it. Of course you don't want this.

My best piece of advice for you: Tell your friends and family. I'm sure you have strong shoulders, but they WANT to help you with your load. They may not know how to help you, but are waiting for you to ask. It's not a sign of weakness to ask them for the help they so desperately want to give. Please ask them.

Remember to take care of yourself, friend.

careerlady posted 12/8/2013 00:13 AM


I'm so sorry! I know how much it hurts. I still find myself asking if there's ANY way to salvage things and am devastated all over again when I realize the answer is "no".

This is the beginning of the rest of your life. You will be free soon and happier because of it even if it doesn't seem that it now. This is an awesome supportive group!

newlysingle posted 12/8/2013 00:30 AM

I'm with Pass. You must tell people. I was nervous about telling friends and family in the beginning too, but it was such a relief when I did. I received such an outpouring of support from everyone. It was a very humbling experience, honestly. It really made me realize how many people really cared for me and my children.

You are not going to be judged like you think you are. You will be surprised at how many people will open up to you about their own situations when they realize they're not alone.

Many hugs to you. This is such a difficult thing to do, but the separation will allow you some breathing space and to do what you need to do.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 12/8/2013 00:30 AM

Dear optimistic,
So sorry to have had your hopes crushed. My situation also has gotten to hopeless and I'm very soon to do the same thing as you. I'm sad, but he is who he is. So I'm trying to accept that. I don't want him the way he is, and he can't change (can't being key), so I just try try try to accept this as part of my life journey.

Wishing you peace

OptimisticWife posted 12/8/2013 02:52 AM

Thank you for your replies pass, careerlady, newlysingle and TheAgonyOfIt.

It's so hard to turn off my feelings. He is most likely sleeping in his car tonight but I am trying to not care. He has places to go but he's just feeling sorry for himself. The kids keep asking me to let him come back to stay until he finds somewhere. They are worried about him being homeless. I have to keep reassuring them that he has choices and he has to be responsible for those.

I really don't want to tell anyone right now. I don't want their sympathy. I am too angry and annoyed right now and I would prefer not to talk to anyone IRL. I know the kids will be telling people as soon as they see them so I am just trying to savor my alone time for now so I can process this.

I have IC on Friday. I might call her and see if she can get me in earlier.

TheAgonyOfIt, I'm sorry to hear you're headed down the same path as me. I have come to realize that my H can't (or won't - not sure)change also.
I asked H why he didn't fight harder to keep us. He replied "too much has been said and done". That has sealed the deal. It showed me how pathetic he is and how weak he is as a man. I hate him right this minute.
He told my he loves me and always will. I replied that I found that very hard to believe

Thank you all again for your support.

stronger08 posted 12/8/2013 04:05 AM

It's so hard to turn off my feelings. He is most likely sleeping in his car tonight but I am trying to not care. He has places to go but he's just feeling sorry for himself

And herein lies your problem. He manipulates those around him to get what he wants. Its very typical WS behavior and is most likely in the WS handbook under the chapter of manipulation and getting what you want. Boo fucking hoo for him. If he could figure out how to have an A behind you back, he can figure out where to sleep. I know its a hard thing to do, but you really need him to experience the consequences of his actions. Otherwise there is no motivation for him to ever change his ways. Aggression and confrontation are precursors to further abuse. Up to and including physical. I don't think that's what you want for yourself and/or your children. Bravo for standing up to his shit and stand your ground firmly. Let him figure out his own shit and BTW stop hiding his behaviors. People need to know exactly what kind of man he is. By keeping his secrets you only enable his behavior.

Oftencheatedon posted 12/8/2013 14:28 PM

If he could figure out a place to sleep with OW he should be able to figure out a place to sleep now.

Nature_Girl posted 12/8/2013 17:47 PM

I agree, tell your family & friends ASAP and tell them WHY. They need to know he's a cheater and that you already tried to reconcile. You will find an outpouring of support. You will also find some people make hurtful remarks. This is how you'll know who's deserves to stay in your life or not.

Also, my ex played the sympathy card with our kids & had them crying & sobbing at his supposed homelessness after I kicked him out. He had them begging me to let him come back, he kept telling them he'd come home if I'd only let him, blah blah blah. I had to set them straight, that Daddy wasn't homeless, there were lots of hotels he could stay in, he had people he could go to who would let him sleep on their couch until he found a place of his own, that he could immediately get a place of his own, and so on. I refused and still refuse to let my kids suffer in the pool of ignorance and misinformation he tries to drown them in.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 12/8/2013 22:23 PM

Can't change. Won't change. The latter feeling more frustrating than the former, but both wind up being can't (whatever the reason).

I hate, abhor and get almost sick to my stomach when he says that he "loves me and always will," as if this somehow absolves him of something. And it feels almost meaningless to be now. I don't think he understands love.

Your WS might really feel like he loves you, but if his actions don't make you feel loved, what good does it do. Love is a feeling, but love is really much more of an action.

It is very sad though. I feel like shaking them, like why don't they get this??? And i figure I can only twist myself into so many pretzels for him before my elastic breaks, or whatever, and I'm just not going to try to help him learn whatever he needs to learn to be a good partner without his involvement and even enthusiam. Its the whole lead horse to water thing, and its a damm shame.

Don't get me wrong. I often feel discarded and thrown away. Like why wouldnt he fight for me, and it hurts. But what it comes down to for me is the same, he won't, he can't. And the reasons why he won't or can't start to matter less, because even if i knew why, would it matter? He's not doing the bare minimum of what I need, and I'm done with the struggle. The fight is over. Mourning time has come.

But maybe, just maybe, one day we'll see that it's a blessing as well. One can hope.

I'm still very sorry for your painful decision!!!! I hope your friends rally, when you are ready. Telling makes it feel more real so not telling for a little while can give you some space. I didn't tell my friends for a good while about the A either, and even now I don't want to talk about it too much. I think its because I realize they can't really help me. I mean when it comes down to it, I have to figure this out for myself. But I do share some now, and it is good to be known. My thoughts are with you !!!

TheAgonyOfIt posted 12/9/2013 01:27 AM

Ps. Just hopefully as a bit of commiseration....Earlier today I let a bit loose with WS, lost my cool and basically told him I was fed up. I had wanted, had planned to tell him sometime this month, but not today, and certainly with a much better script. So I'm a bit annoyed at myself now.

And we are actually snowed in at a friends house. We've been in the guest room, but tonight he's decided to fall asleep on the couch. Its all I can do to stay up here and not see if he's coming up. you see, even know , knowing the SOB has to be expunged from my life, I'm STILL here hoping that he'll come up and show me that he FINALLY wants to fight for me. My longing defies all, absolutely all, rational thought.

Its a loss I guess even if he's truly not a prize, not on paper, not in behavior, not in any way really except hes a nice looking man. I can't even tell you why I love him. Or want him. Hes so really Not worth my pain over him, and I think he knows I feel like this, so of course he's on the couch.

Tangled webs indeed. Anyway just trying to share the very real ambivalence that lingers even when you really Know the time has come.

Hugs to everyone. Please forgive typos, on phone!

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