Thanks Take2, yeah, we've been separated for about 5.5 years. We've been "dating" for about the last 4 years. He's been with OW the whole time. I guess it's complicated, they've been together about 8 years now, and the DDay occurred when I found out that they were lying to me about having broken boundaries. Earlier this year we started talking about moving back in with each other and basically resuming married life, but when I realized that meant that I would have to actually deal with him seeing OW in my face (easier to ignore when we don't live together), well, push came to shove and we've been in MC since then trying to figure out WTF to do. We had a polyamorous marriage even for years before all the shit hit the fan (and were actually reasonably good at it, for a while at least, though we had some screwups sometimes), but another condition of us staying together moving forward is going monogamous for a while. I'm truly a proponent of open/poly/swinging/whatever as long as it's above board, but he can't seem to manage it, and if we can't trust each other or communicate with each other then we likely have no business having an open arrangement. We need to be able to trust and communicate and really truly commit before we go down that road again (if ever).
So I guess that's what the conversation is about tomorrow, going mono, dumping OW for good, committing to us, admitting to hookers etc (really I still don't get this part of it). Because if he dumps OW, admits to wrongdoings voluntarily (he doesn't know that I know, and I can actually get over it believe it or not, but I can't get over my partner keeping secrets from me), goes mono, and commits, then maybe we can move forward. But the last half a year has just been a mess for me. And now it's like I want to throw and break things out of frustrating from sheer lack of resolution, but I'm too stressed out and depressed to actually do it and when I get the bullshit silent treatment (which seems to happen every month for a week or three at a time anymore) my OCD goes into overdrive. So I eat bad food and smoke instead. Really healthy, I know Really I would probably be better off if he refuses my last ditch efforts so that I can get this over with and move on. I am in IC and I think my counselor is baffled as to why I haven't left already.
Really we have such a great relationship if only we could communicate, trust, commit... oh. But seriously he's very sweet, attractive, buys me little things, is affectionate (when he isn't doing the passive aggressive thing), charming, does stuff for me, but god forbid I challenge him on anything or call attention to the Really Big Things that need changing, then he freaks out and can't deal with it. So tired of walking on eggshells and being "patient." I've been patient for 5.5 years!
I should go to sleep so I don't end up as some pathetic crying mess tomorrow. I had corn chips and chocolate milk for dinner. WTF.