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The story is long, I don't want to go into all of it, but I've been having a really rough time of things, he keeps giving me the passive aggressive silent treatment (sometimes for weeks at a time) whenever I ask tough questions or try to get him to make a decision about anything or own up to anything. I've been getting the treatment since our last MC appointment several days ago. Anyway we're meeting tomorrow. I've asked him some direct questions through email and expect to get direct answers tomorrow. One of those questions is a list of partners that he's had recently. I know some of the answers, and that he hasn't voluntarily told me some of the answers. I'm worried and scared that he won't tell me those answers tomorrow while we're meeting. I've met with a legal rep (a mediator and document preparer though not a lawyer, he's a lawyer in a different state) and I can have him served in about a week whenever I'm ready to have it done, and if I do I don't think there will be much of a fight, he's very conflict avoidant. My gut says that if he doesn't tell me the truth tomorrow then I'll have to serve him. My hope is that he'll tell me the truth (which is ugly and involves at least one hooker and some random couple) and that he'll ditch OW (who is also ugly!) as that is another condition. Otherwise... I'll have to divorce him. It's bad enough that he hasn't already volunteered this information, but if he can't honestly respond to a direct question about sex, and if he can't understand why we can't heal the marriage with OW around, then I'm out.

I'm terrified.

Passive aggressive silent treatment is abuse, particularly when it's delivered as a response to me trying to get us to work towards R, as I'm starting to learn. I know it takes two people to make it work. He says he wants to make it work. His actions are hookers and secrets and lies and sparing the feelings of OW but not giving a fuck about my feelings, but oh he still wants it to work. I've been sick for months dealing with this, I'm failing my class in grad school because I can't focus on the work, I'm late for work most days because I either can't sleep and am up too late, or because I can't wake up when I do sleep, on the weekends I sleep for 13 or 14 hours at a time, my internal clock is so messed up. All I eat is crap food, I forget to eat, or a binge on junk food. I have headaches all the time, I feel sick all the time. I've allowed his treatment of me to make me sick, and I'm tired of it.

Either way sucks. If he dumps OW to stay in the marriage he'll resent me for years. If he owns up to hookers etc. then we'll have to deal with all that, which sucks. If he doesn't own up to it all, or dump OW, we'll have to get divorced, which sucks.

It all fucking sucks.

Yes. It all sucks. No doubt about it.

Gosh, you been at this a while. Your join date is a few months before my Dday. Know this, if it falls apart there is life on the other side. I'm divorced almost 2 years and it sucks a little less each day.

Strength to you tomorrow!

Thanks Take2, yeah, we've been separated for about 5.5 years. We've been "dating" for about the last 4 years. He's been with OW the whole time. I guess it's complicated, they've been together about 8 years now, and the DDay occurred when I found out that they were lying to me about having broken boundaries. Earlier this year we started talking about moving back in with each other and basically resuming married life, but when I realized that meant that I would have to actually deal with him seeing OW in my face (easier to ignore when we don't live together), well, push came to shove and we've been in MC since then trying to figure out WTF to do. We had a polyamorous marriage even for years before all the shit hit the fan (and were actually reasonably good at it, for a while at least, though we had some screwups sometimes), but another condition of us staying together moving forward is going monogamous for a while. I'm truly a proponent of open/poly/swinging/whatever as long as it's above board, but he can't seem to manage it, and if we can't trust each other or communicate with each other then we likely have no business having an open arrangement. We need to be able to trust and communicate and really truly commit before we go down that road again (if ever).

So I guess that's what the conversation is about tomorrow, going mono, dumping OW for good, committing to us, admitting to hookers etc (really I still don't get this part of it). Because if he dumps OW, admits to wrongdoings voluntarily (he doesn't know that I know, and I can actually get over it believe it or not, but I can't get over my partner keeping secrets from me), goes mono, and commits, then maybe we can move forward. But the last half a year has just been a mess for me. And now it's like I want to throw and break things out of frustrating from sheer lack of resolution, but I'm too stressed out and depressed to actually do it and when I get the bullshit silent treatment (which seems to happen every month for a week or three at a time anymore) my OCD goes into overdrive. So I eat bad food and smoke instead. Really healthy, I know Really I would probably be better off if he refuses my last ditch efforts so that I can get this over with and move on. I am in IC and I think my counselor is baffled as to why I haven't left already.

Really we have such a great relationship if only we could communicate, trust, commit... oh. But seriously he's very sweet, attractive, buys me little things, is affectionate (when he isn't doing the passive aggressive thing), charming, does stuff for me, but god forbid I challenge him on anything or call attention to the Really Big Things that need changing, then he freaks out and can't deal with it. So tired of walking on eggshells and being "patient." I've been patient for 5.5 years!

I should go to sleep so I don't end up as some pathetic crying mess tomorrow. I had corn chips and chocolate milk for dinner. WTF.

Really we have such a great relationship if only we could...

Gently. You don't have a great relationship. You have identified a potential for it to be great, if only it were completely different than it is. You see that, right?

It sounds like he gives enough crumbs to keep you from pulling the trigger. Please re-read your description of how you are doing. Read it as if someone else wrote it.

What advise would you give them?

((((polygal)))) I hope you get whatever it is you need from tomorrow's meeting. And I really hope that no matter what tomorrow brings, you start living YOUR life for YOU.