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Just need to vent... NC broken a lot
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KJac posted 12/8/2013 11:53 AM
I really can't stand to see or talk to him. It just feels like it takes me backward emotionally.
Here's what's been happening the last few days -
Thursday I had a phone conference w my L, it went pretty well, we are going to counter pretty much everything he put in the initial D papers, including his reason for dissolution of the marriage as "irreconcilable differences" - even though we live in a no fault state my L suggested we file a counter suit w/adultery listed as reason because he is such a prick and many judges will consider his behavior if he decides to go after custody of kids, etc. Felt pretty good, like I was moving forward. So, after morning conference I started working on some of the financial paperwork I need to get in to L and decided I'd better go thru my bank statements for Oct./Nov. (I always balance my checkbook w/my statements) and discover numerous charges for online gaming sites. Long story but the shortened version is I let DS17 make a 1x purchase back in early October w/my debit card (stupid for many reasons, I know, but what's done is done) - after consulting w/my bank and the site and my son what seems to have happened is DS17 did not realize that they would be continuously charging him for service/product - to the tune of $2,600 + . The gaming site said the service was used so they won't reimburse the charges and if I want my $ back (I explained to them that not only did DS17 not have permission for any additional purchases he is a minor and did NOT understand that there would be continuous charges) - that this is credit card fraud, a felony, and I could file [federal] charges to recoup my losses. Really, against my SON?? Who, BTW, feels absolutely terrible and was pretty much in tears. I am sick to my stomach. My bank is still going to try and get my $ back from this company, but honestly, it doesn't look good. So, I once again took the high road and phoned STBX to tell him because I know he has given DS17 his debit card in the past to make purchases on this site. I wonder if I can/should ask him to cover 1/2 of this loss?? Is that appropriate/reasonable, or even possible??
STBX took the opportunity of my phone call to try to use me to cake-eat some more. TwinS16 had big wrestling tourney this weekend (an annual one in our town)- I am the secretary on the board of our wrestling club, STBX was an at-large member until he chose to give up his position a couple of months ago - our board members always help w/this tournament so asshat decides to start asking me if I'm working the tourney, does he need to come and help, etc. - I simply responded that I called him to give him a heads up on the gaming site, I owe him nothing but was nice enough to warn him to check w the bank regarding his account, and that I did NOT call to be his information supplier regarding the wrestling tournament. I hung up but DAMMIT everytime I have to deal w/him at ALL it upsets me. Someone please tell me this will get better.
After I got checkbook balanced, etc. I had to freaking call him again because TwinS16's car insurance is due on the 11th. I had paid mine and otherTwinS16's the day before and, in light of the above $ crisis, I clearly needed him to pay it. So I called and told him this to which his first offer was to put the $ in my checking account to cover the bill. I thought about this for a minute then said no, I don't even have a debit card right now so can't make a phone payment, I don't have time to stop into insurance office either so YOU can either call and make the payment or go down there and do it. (He has NEVER paid bills - ALWAYS had me do it - but I am DONE doing shit for him) He says sure, no problem, I can do that but would you do me a favor and send me a text reminding me and include the due date so I don't forget? Are you f'ing kidding me????!!!!! We have 4 kids that he does absolutely NOTHING for aside from taking them out for "supper" every few weeks and I asked him to pay ONE BILL and he needs me to REMIND HIM???? I simply hung up. Yes, I realize I am going to have to call the insurance company before the 11th to verify he paid the bill. 
Then... Thursday evening after I had literally just finished dealing w/DS17 regarding the gaming site I get a call from TwinS16's wrestling coach that I need to come in and get him from practice as he was acting confused, disoriented, had a headache and was nauseous. No one seemed to know what happened, his drilling partner said he did not think he hit his head (he's had 2 concussions already - not in wrestling - but these were similar symptoms). OtherTwin and I headed in to get him/get his car and I called STBX to give him a heads up on the situation. He asked if I was going to take him in to er and I said I wasn't sure, had to get there and see him, assess the situation, etc. but would let him know. After seeing my son I quickly decided this was different and we'd be going in. As soon as we left the school I made phone calls to other 3 kids telling them to finish making the supper I'd started, that I was taking their brother in and I'd keep them posted, and to call grandma if they needed anything. Just as I was about to call the asshat, he called. I answered and told him I was taking son in to which asshat immediately starts yelling at me about not calling him RIGHT AWAY when I decided to take him in, I, of course, wasted a few minutes attempting to explain to him about calling our other kids to get them lined out before I called him to which he screamed at me some more about how he could have done that [like my mom said, you mean like how he does that all the time? ha, good one mom 
] so I hung up on him. Of course he calls right back, I answered, and he asks which er, etc. - um, the same one, the ONLY one, ANY of our kids have EVER been to - then, do I want him to come over there? WTF? Seriously he went completely off on me after this... he just kept asking if I/italic] wanted him to come over there and I just kept responding that it was up to him. It was so ridiculous that I finally just calmly told him you know what's up and where we are going so make your own decision then hung up. He showed up to er about 1/2 hour after we'd gotten settled in and the fun ensued. The tension in our room was palpable. He kept trying to ask DS questions, visit w/him, etc. to which DS must have told him at least a half dozen times - stop talking to me, why don't you just leave. It was sad. I was very calm and just focused my attention on my son and ignored the dumbass in the room but I gotta say I felt really bad for my son. Wow what a moron his father is. Anyway, hypoglycemic episode from him cutting weight stupidly, yes I have addressed this w/his coaches, etc. and it will be handled in an appropriate manner - i.e. he either follows a healthy plan weekly or he will be moving up a weight class. Period. Obviously he didn't get to wrestle this weekend.
So, after informing STBX that DS will NOT be wrestling this weekend, he shows up at tournament anyway. He knew I'd be working the hospitality room (food/drinks for coaches and officials) as I do every year for the past 10 years and so I had to spend all weekend dealing w/the POS sitting in the stands right by my "post" acting like all is wonderful in the world and he is father of the year. He even tried to talk to me a couple of times to which I simply turned and walked away from him. But having to have any contact w/him just seems to set me back emotionally. I was calm, detached, etc. at tournament but then when I get away its like all the shit just ruminates in my mind over and over and over.... any advice on how to stop this????
ArkLaMiss posted 12/8/2013 12:06 PM
You need strict nc with him. I would not even call him regarding what is wrong/happening with the kids. If he were involved, he'd KNOW what's going on in their lives. Sorry he's a doosh, though.
KJac posted 12/8/2013 12:24 PM
I totally agree I need absolutely NC w/him for my own emotional health (and sanity) / healing but worry that it will look bad in the D if there are custody issues if I don't at least respond to his inquiries about kids. Normally the only contact I have is occasionally responding to his texts about kids because they don't respond to him. I keep it short and to-the-point. I felt like it would look really bad if I didn't inform him of the health scare/er visit.
I truly believe though that he really does not care about his kids. I think he incapable of it. It's all a game to him and the only reason he has any interest whatsoever is to fuck w/me and to make himself look good to others.
I'm just not sure what to do. Dealing w/ or seeing him at all is SO not good for ME.
devistatedmom posted 12/8/2013 14:10 PM
Your kids are 16 and older. They can contact him about events and such if they wish, and he can ask them if he wishes to know what's going on in their lives. I do not believe this makes you look bad in the courts.
As far as the health scare, yes, you should contact him. But here's how I would handle that next time. Do NOT contact him while you are on the way over to check on the kid. You don't know if there is a real problem yet. Once you determined that he did need to go to the hospital, you could do it in a couple of different ways:
a) Text him quickly that you and S16 are on the way to the hospital ER because of xxx symptoms. He can meet you there if he wants, or you will text him when you know more. Then you ignore the phone because you are driving, and you don't have more info yet. You won't look bad in the courts, because hey, you informed him and you told him to come if he wants, and that you will contact again when more info is available.
b) since you had another kid with you, hand them the phone and have them phone him, saying you are on the way to the hospital because S16 is having xxx symptoms. They can relay that he can meet you there or you will text later, and answer any questions they can. If he demands to talk to you, well, you can't, you are driving. You just calmly tell other kid to tell him you will contact once at the hospital and you have more info.
ie. IF he's being an ass about it, you do not need to be yelled at during a stressful situation, and you don't have to listen to him. Informing him about a health crisis may be "mandatory", but being abused is not. Give him the minimum, promise to contact when more info is avail, then ignore and concentrate on your kid.
devistatedmom posted 12/8/2013 14:17 PM
As far as the other part goes, how to deal with being at the same event as him. I've had to deal with that too, and ignore is the main part. You just treat him like any other person you don't know that would come by for a coffee.
There is a charity event that I help with every year. My XH also helps, though in a different capacity. The first year was humorous. Because of the job I do at this event, the organizers always get me a hotel room as I'm there 20 hour days and I live 45 min away. Of course, when married, XH always shared the room with me.
A few days before the event, he asked where "we" were staying this year. I calmly told him that "I" was staying at the xxx, and that I had no idea where he was staying. He was shocked into silence while he processed this. 
Once at the event, it became funnier. They sell "swag" at the event, which is never available for sale before we take off to do our jobs, but I'm still in the tent, while he's off and about. We would always look while they are setting up, then once they were ready to sell, I would go back over and get what we wanted. He came over to me once he had looked and said he really liked the xxx shirt. I just looked him square in the eye, said, that's nice, and went back to what I was doing. He stood there for a full minute processing that I wasn't going to go buy it for him. 
Anyway, bottom line is, I now treat him like I treat anyone else doing his job there, and there are 40 of them. I smile, say hello, answer any questions that i need to and walk away to do my job. I ignore is stupidity. He is not my husband anymore, and I do not need to engage. There are others he can engage with.