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This is not a good day for me. I don't know what the problem is....actually I think I do....I had a dream about AP last night, and then read a post in this forum earlier today and now feel like I am ready to spin out of my skin.

Most days are better than this....I think about the A and damage I have done everyday but am usually able to push it back and still go about my day....today that is not the case though...I have never had problems with anxiety before but right now I am feeling so anxious an jittery....like I need to scream and cry at the same time.

How have I become this person? How could I have done all of the disgusting,dishonest, fucked up things that I have.....I knew it was wrong and would only have bad consequences if it was discovered....yet I continued to do it.

How could I have done these things to my BH? The man who loves me, works hard for our family, and is so considerate of me and my feelings. What kind of a person does that? And how could he have forgiven me enough to let me back into our home and back into our life...I am so grateful he is giving me a second chance, but can't believe that someone so sweet and kind would give me another chance...not after what I have done for him.

I hate who I am

I hate what I have done to my husband and DD. I hate what I have done to our families.

I hate that I am an OW and was so selfish and conceited.

I look back at the things I said and did and want to throw up. I don't even recognize that woman and hate when I look in the mirror and realize that she is me.

This is The Plane of Self-Loathing.

It was my BH who told me that my depression and self-anger was harmful to R. It was another way to be selfish, by being mired in my own loathing when I should have been putting Positive Energy into R.

No one wants to be around a Debbie Downer. yes, it absolutely sucks, but you have to focus on being positive and working hard for you and for him.

[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 1:20 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]

Yep been there, still go there often. I hear you.

Now it is true though, you can change those ways. Remember that. You are searching for your whys and how could I , that's awesome keep looking and when you see something, think of what you can different now today and tomorrow.

My IC put the affair in this example.

You are stuck in a desert, you've been there for 3 for days, no water , no food, nothing. Dehydrated not thinking, you want water, you need water. You come to an oasis, and there are three people standing there, with milk, some juice, and some food, In behind them is the person standing with a big cool glass of water. What do you do? you will go through those people and getthe water and drink it all, the fact is that water will kill you if you drink it all. Its a medical reaction I guess but you won't hear the others telling you its not safe.

That's what we did, we ran everyone else over to get the "water" Now we have to figure out what the "water " is. From what my councellor says, everyone does this, we just are messed up enough to cross our own integrity and morals.

Its good you recognize the trigger, as I've been told, just breath, and feel it and see if something else is there too. We can't live herein the self loathing, everyone continues to pay. Think of the good that has cometo you so far. Just keep breathing and one step at a time.