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So I'm feeling all festive, with the tree up and the Christmas music on, and I sit down to write out my Christmas cards. One thing you have to know about me is that even though I use the "contacts" feature in my phone, I'm also an old-school nerd who still has a handwritten address book. And as I go through it today, guess whose name I see?

OW.

Two years ago I sent a Christmas card to her and the friend of XWH that she was dating/living with. Last year, they were no longer a couple and I didn't send to either one of them. XWH and the male friend had drifted apart, for reasons that are obvious now, and I didn't have a current address for OW. She lost the prior rental house when she went to jail. I knew she was living with her parents, but I didn't know the address.

I also didn't know that she was fucking my husband.

I was not expecting this 2x4 to the head today. I've ripped the page out of the book and will burn it in the fireplace later tonight. But the damage is done.

So sad, and infuriating, and really kind of scary that we let people like this into our lives. We love them, we trust them, we marry them. And they hurt us so easily. Like it means nothing. Like WE mean nothing.

All I can think about now is last Christmas. All the nights he was gone "shopping", and came home empty handed. We always used to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" on Christmas Eve together, snuggled up in front of the fireplace. Last year, he was "shopping". I watched it alone, and he came home late, empty handed.

He was with her, of course. He was fucking her. And I was alone. How blind and stupid I was. So, SO stupid.

Like an idiot I was trying to be close to him, to cultivate romance. When the stores started putting out decorations for sale, I bought two sweet couples ornaments- "Our Christmas Together" etc. He barely responded when I showed them to him. After D-day when I went through the Christmas stuff, I put them in the trash. Later, after he'd been by to collect his stuff, I noticed they were gone. He literally took them out of the trash. I can only assume the ornaments I bought for the two of us are gracing OW's tree right this very moment.

Sick, sick, sick.

How am I going to get through this holiday season?? Right now I just don't know.

I know it's a horrible pain. You're readjusting what you thought your past was and what your future would be.

Take heart though:

I can only assume the ornaments I bought for the two of us are gracing OW's tree right this very moment.

Think about this. She has your trash, your leftovers. What is no longer useful to you, what no longer adds to your life.

She also has someone who can't be bothered for her. Who would rather just regift trash and leftovers from his previous life. There's no need to go to effort for her. No, all his efforts will go to filling the newly empty spot for an OW.

The same exact thing happened to me. I have a box with alphabetized dividers and I used index cards and I mark who I sent one to, and who I receive one from.

I had sent all of his co-workers a Christmas card, and OW was one of them. It was one of those photo pic and it was a pic of me, XWH, and our baby daughter. That was December. D-day was May.

BTW, that picture was the last picture I ever saw of my XWH where he looked good, and happy.

((Gypsy bird))

I think burning that page will be very cleansing. What happened to you was horrible. And you are not stupid.

Since this is my first Christmas alone, I've been taking the opportunity to throw out all that reminds me of him. I threw out so much stuff and it felt so good. I have a pile of pictures, cards, mementos that will all go into the next bonfire as well After all, they are just objects, and none of it serves a purpose in my life.

Just like him.

(((Gypsy)))

I did the same w/It's a Wonderful Life. My first Christmas after DD, my BFF had me at her house, got me drunk & we watched the entire season of Eastbound & Down. As sad as I was, it was hard to not laugh at times. Is there anything you find really hilarious? (I get that it's not Christmas-y, but sometimes it's either laugh or cry, if ykwim?)

He literally took them out of the trash. I can only assume the ornaments I bought for the two of us are gracing OW's tree right this very moment.

Think about this. This pathetic slunt is completely ok w/your trash. Roaches survive on other animals crumbs. Be glad this whore is fine w/your completely inferior X. He's not man enough for you, but he's totally fine for her.

(((Gypsy)))

So sorry. Burn it. I used to have a fire pit. Something about seeing shit like that going up in flames helped me.

I'm so sorry. What a horrible trigger, horrible memory, horrible intrusion into what should have been a nice time for you. (((HUGS)))

Last year I triggered majorly bad when decorating the tree since there were years & years worth of couple & family ornaments that included ex. His name, what we were doing, special events, OMG it killed me. Took me a couple hours and a dear cousin to literally prop me up & help me finish it. I hope I was able to hide my tidal wave of despair from the kids, at least.

And now here we are again. Gotta decorate the tree again. The same ornaments are here. I just don't want to put any of the personalized ones up that are pre-children. I may need to set that boundary up this year. It's just so painful.

I'm so sorry - those triggers are awful, just awful. I've had many a bonfire purge. It is so cathartic.

I found an old card in one of my favourite books earlier this year. I didn't even read it, just seeing his handwriting made me sick. I threw up and walked straight outside and set the card alight.

((gypsybird)) FTG. The ornaments are so creepy - the sad clown has things like that too. Like the souvenirs of a serial killer. They eat from the wedding cutlery, FFS. I bet she doesn't even know. Yuck.

It creeps me the fuck out. It would freak me the fuck out in her shoes - but then again I'm not at all keen on fucking other people's husbands so maybe I'm unusually squeamish about that stuff.

Like the souvenirs of a serial killer.

Right!?

I remember the first year after my parents' divorce, my mom went out and found a deceased tree, a small bare skeleton that was just wooden branches (not an evergreen). It looked like reindeer antlers.

She spray painted it gold and we hung a few bohemian ornaments and a string of lights on it. I'll never forget that. Now I know that it was her way of starting fresh.

I gave x the ornaments and every card and note he ever sent me. It choked him up bigtime that I didn't want them anymore.

Now I have one string of lights for the mantelpiece and a cute little soft tree thingie that I hang on my front door. That is it.

Purging the memory box is the best thing.

I'm so sorry. Burn the page, hopefully you will get some peace from that.

DD and I decorated our tree this weekend, I found ornaments we received from our wedding, ornaments from every anniversary, and family ornaments. I forgot about them and wasn't expecting to deal with all the emotions they brought up. This is a tough time of year, for sure.

I bought ornaments for each of us. Our first name initials.

While putting up the ornaments last year, I bypassed his and did not intend to place it on the tree.

Then one DD pointed out the "C" was for Christmas so we decided to hang it (and again this year).

The C is now for Christmas and not for C-ex.

The traditions change and somehow it becomes better than before.

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 1:48 PM, December 9th (Monday)]

Thanks for all the responses, everyone. It helps so much to be heard!

I knew I didn't want to be hit with all this stuff at Christmas, that's why after D-day in April I dragged all the Christmas stuff out and went through it. That's when the ornaments hit the trash, only to be "rescued" by him. Gag. You're so right, SBB. It really is creepy when you think about it!

I thought I was saving myself some pain by going through the Christmas stuff then, along with everything else. In hindsight I wish I'd kept some of the things I gave him. Namely, the kids personal ornaments, since I've seen more of them than I thought I would, and it would have been nice to pass those things to them directly. As it is, he has them and I doubt the older kids, who have their own trees etc, will ever get them.

Anyway, seeing OW's name just dragged it all back to the forefront. So much for my well-laid plans of protecting myself from just this sort of thing!

I hate these kinds of triggers so much. The ones that come out of nowhere, just when you think you're doing okay. It's like a slap in the face you don't see coming, vs. a shot at the doctors office, when they say "This may sting a bit", and you can prepare yourself.

I never feel prepared when crap hits me out of left field like this. But I refuse to spend the rest of my life "bracing" myself for pain! Dammit.

This is just so messed up. Such a lousy time of year to be alone. HUGS to everyone here, and extra BIG HUGS to those of us who are facing it for the first time.

edited for typos, as usual

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 2:25 PM, December 9th (Monday)]