I never wanted to be a in a position where I must chose to continue or discontinue my marriage. I never wanted to live apart. Now, he wants me to decide. I told him that we will divorce and I am numb.
I do not want to know what lies ahead. I want no part of this life I've been forced into.
~~Tao Te Ching
ETA: Okay, that's bizarre, I'm certain your title originally was your BH gave you the ultimatum, hence my asking you your status...
[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 5:50 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]
If he's just showing you anger, and not remorse, no, you don't have much of a choice at the moment. I'm sorry it's come to this, but for now, you must think protection. Keep your emotions separate, and see a lawyer this week in order to protect yourself financially. As long as you do nothing, you will have to pay for half of whatever he does.
Drink water, and look after you.
WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.
The good new is, that if you're the one to file for D, you can put the brakes on anytime you want (in the unlikely case WH gets his head out of his ass). If not, you will have protected yourself legally. Good luck.
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
You know what he's going to do? He's going to set unattainable goals for YOU to jump through hoops to accomplish, and guess what? He's going to do whatever he wants, including cheat again.
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
You don't have to file - Let him do it. My atty. claimed it made no real difference in proceedings (though psychologically perhaps it does.)
If you come back then you will be required to just "forget about it all - it's in the past!" and "move forward". In other words, rugsweep and then he doesn't have to do any work on himself. Nor will he be in the "less powerful" position of having to grovel and beg, do your bidding, be remorseful, make it up to you, deal with your moral superiority, deal with your pain, etc.
If you file for divorce he can forever claim to be the victim. He "really wanted to do everything possible to save the marriage. But that meanie statistic would even give him the opportunity to try".
Fuck him! Fuck his ultimatum. Like Take2 said, he's a bully with no remorse. Let him be the one to file. Do not return home until he meets your terms. Do NOT lower your standards! I know you are sad. I know this is not what you wanted out of your life. But if you give in then you are telling him that he doesn't have to respect you.
"We're not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again" ~Pink
Seems to me your WH just told you to either 'rug sweep' or divorce. In this situation, he gave you no choice. He has made the decision not to do the hard work of R. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.
I wonder if one day he will see that he didn't give us half a chance. I wish I could fast forward time ... when the divorce has long been final, when I am long over the fact that he has replaced me with someone new (I am sure he will do it rather quickly),when I can see that my daughter will be ok, when I am comfortable being alone, and the extended family back in our respective countries we support right now will be ok without our combined financial support. So much comes undone when one strays.