I lead a double life. Outwardly I'm a super dad, husband, professional by day and Sugar Daddy the rest of the time.
It started off simple with txting girls I met on a website and I remember being nauseous the first time I did. I couldn't believe this world was out there. I was like a kid in a candy store, but so scared to eat a piece of candy. Slowly I became acclimated to the lifestyle step by step ultimately leading to full bore infidelity.
Over the course of months I finaly met a girl 16 years my junior, tattooed, piercings, artsy, musical, I was on a business trip. We didn't do anything just dinner, drinks, and talked.
It was enough of a rush that I was hooked since then there have been 6 different girls all 14-19 years my junior that I've had trysts with over the last 3 years usually for 4-6 months at a time. They all have been physical included sex, daily txt, and all of the fixings of a classic sugar daddy/baby relationship. I've talked to hundreds though.
Unlike most people who cheat I am very cautious, but just like most people who do cheat I too do not believe I will be caught. I have 3 layers of anonymity a CC with a false last name, a fake id with false adress and same name, and two phone apps that I use for communication that I delete and reinstall each day as I leave for work. These girls are being equally fooled as my whole story is a false one. All of these young women have been out of town 2-8hrs away. We generally only meet up once a month the rest is just text.
I could be caught if my wife put software on my phone, but it's a work phone, so that won't happen. She could use the home computer, but we have 6 different logins, so it's doubtful that would ever happen. The computer sits in the front room her and I rarely ever log into. She could though I've been meaning to wipe that out for safe measure.
My question is I alway feel guilty duh, but don't stop. How did others who were in this situation find the will to stop this lifestyle or a similar one?
The reasoning for this behavior is twofold. My core belief of the world has forever changed with my lack of belief in a true afterlife, so does anything really matter in the end? Secondly, after severe traumatic event my heart is very hard nowadays. I find myself focusing on myself and my "fleshly" wants alot more. As far as the younger woman it's just their youth and virality. How tight their bodies are, new experiences, and seeing their different view on life. It's like a really extravagent date with a hot younger women 1-2 times a month that you know ends in crazy sex.
I still put on a front in my day to day life and act happy, silly, funny like I always have, but inside I am numb to almost everything. I have compartmentalized my actions and know deep down I cannot continue. This is not a sustainable lifestyle.
So, again if you have led a double life, how did you quit it? I don't want to hear too much about people who were caught and forced to quit. Who quit on their own?
[This message edited by suspended at 6:38 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]
You understand, I think, that what you're doing is wrong. But you're addicted. You love the rush. Many of us here can relate to that.
You're here, I hope, because you want help. Because, deep down, you want to stop. You and I have that in common, as far as first posts on SI. I was plagued with insomnia, but didn't overtly feel guilty and wasn't yet ready to give up my drug of choice.
How do you quit it? Like you quit drinking, or smoking, or heroin. You stop. You get through a day. And then two. You get help. You have a choice. Make it.
inside I am numb to almost everything
Many of us here can relate to this too. If you want help: quit. Stick around. We'll help you.
Then I go to thinking you are on a site for people damaged from infidelity. If you truly believed your lifestyle was anything of value you wouldn't be here. I just reread your post and found that you do in fact feel guilty. Welcome to our site. :)
So, I will say a lot of people on this site never thought that they would get caught, like you. They never thought they could get caught up in the circumstances you put yourself into. Lets be honest, these girls aren't the wholesome hookers of "Pretty Lady" fame. They are the dregs that are in the spot they are in because of personality issues, drugs, pimps. I know some of these girls personally. I'm gonna bet you had some close calls with some of these girls already, who can be the most manipulative and dangerous people.
So lets look at the reality of your situation. You believe you have the wool pulled over these womens eyes and everyone else's. That is simply not true. There could be crazy boyfriend or a known associate of one your ladies waiting to kill you and take everything from you. Don't believe me? I have intimate knowledge of girls like this from a standpoint of working with them for years. They take every john's tale of his life to be bullshit and use any avenue to find out more about him and his money. A drug in your drink or a gun pointed at you in a moment of hot passion may change your mind, when you lose everything. That for starters should give you pause.Those people don't see you they see a wallet, nothing more and nothing less. They laugh at you when you go and probably make comments about your "attributes". Do you really enjoy being a laughingstock? Don't let me hear about how "high a standard" they are either, I will call bullshit on that. There are no happy, well adjusted hookers that I have ever known.
I will next address your spirituality. I understand the emptiness of of religion. I will give a qualifier here, I am an atheist and I am not bashing the beliefs of others, these are my thoughts and feelings and mine and mine alone. I get the feeling of absolute unbelief in any of the thousands of man made gods. I don't buy into any of them. That is not to say that I have no beliefs or higher purpose in my life. I see the universe and feel apart of it. I feel my connection to mankind. I have made it my life commitment to be the best husband my wife could ever have, because she was always here for me, no matter how twisted I became. So you are an agnostic and don't believe in fairy tales anymore, neither do I or thousands like me, however we still have an anchor grounded in humanity and love for our fellow human beings.
Here is the single most important question and reason to change. How do you feel about being dishonest with your family, wife and friends? How does it feel to have a life that is a fraud? If the answer is you are okay with it. Then I would suggest that you take your worldview a bit further and realize that your wife and family don't matter. Abandon them and simply enjoy your life. Why wouldn't you? I really don't think you would be here if you thought that for one instant.
If the thought of being a fraud niggles at you. If the feeling of betraying your wife and family niggles at you. Then I would say, stop posting for awhile and read these boards. Forget about who was caught or who did it "on their own" and simply read about people's experiences and learn from them. Then start posting and become and active member. We all welcome you if you are sincere and will do anything to help you along the way.
For me it was not the threat of eternal damnation that put me in check, or a sky daddy watching every move I made. It was simply human decency. Do you really need more than that to change your lifestyle? Think of the innocent bystanders in all of this and your duty to them.
Your post was arrogant to the point it actually triggered me. Your post hit a lot of buttons for me and I am not kidding about having intimate knowledge of the types of girls you are seeing. I know a lot of men like yourself, and I know the emptiness and self loathing that you are experiencing. I also get the personal trauma, although you did not get into specifics, I would like to hear more about that if you feel you can share.
I am not trying to be harsh. Your world is not as clean and tidy as like to think it is, and I am pointing that out with the knowledge that I do have. You put yourself into a dangerous situation each and every time you meet with one of these "vital" young women, and you put the innocents in your life at jeopardy as well. If you have a daughter, how old is she? Does that hit close to home as well?
The place to begin is to start asking yourself the questions that I just posed and to think beyond yourself and to those who trust and love you.
[This message edited by astudentoflife at 8:20 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]
@astudentoflife, I believe the life you think you know you do not. These aren't prostitutes I'm sort of confused about your drug, gun, killing piece of your post. These are all undergrad or graduate students UT, FSU, Emory, Temple, and Georgia Tech and the artist was not in school. Typical allowances are in the $1500/month range plus dates I'm not sure if we are talking about the same lifestyle here. This is two people who txt daily, share life's tidbits, and choose to add to each other's life in a sometimes discreet, but mutually beneficial way. The current young woman is at FSU going for a MSEE. We go to musicals, ballets, concerts, and then have crazy monkey sex afterwards. She has a longterm BF in college and obviously I'm married. That's how most of these arrangements work. This is very high end stuff 4 star hotels, weekend getaways, not some 150hr in a hotel room.
Of course fraud bothers me, but again the "does it matter" overrules it or I wouldn't have continued this long. I assume my "does it matter" argument has a limit I wouldn't attempt to jusify murder, theft, bullying, judgement, rape, etc etc. Since I am engaged in this activity I'm definitely torn about what I've been doing and many other actions too. I justify/compartmentalize it and continue to "Do what I need to Do!"
As far as lineage everything is forgotten. 100 years from now no one will mention my name or my life it will be forgotten. All we have is the now!! As much as I respect all views on the afterlife life itself makes much more sense when you have a concrete view in a afterlife. Without that our lives truly are inconsequential from a world view perspective.
My biggest reason for wanting to quit is selfish. I would never confess, but would hate to be found out because it's so Jerry Springer ish. It would shock the foundation of what I am known for and what I "preach" to everyone around me.
The 2nd reason is my wife deserves more! She is still quite faithful and does plenty of volunteering homeless, Habitat for Humanity, Soup kitchens, etc etc.
For 25% of my life I lived a principle based life. Right is right!! I allowed very little leniancy didn't watch R rated movies, porn never, cursing never, always trying to live by the Golden rule because it is the right thing.
Unlike you it was driven because it is how we are "supposed to live" once that belief is removed. The selfish desires creep and in and the "does it matter" justification steps in.
I know what I need to do regardless of motivation. I just need to make that step!
[This message edited by suspended at 8:48 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]
I think if you want to live this lifestyle and it makes you happy, divorce your wife and keep doing it.
Keeping the truh from your wife is wrong. She is being forced to live a lie. Not to mention the exposure to STDs that having sex with multiple people can lead to.
You are deciding what is right for her.
But it sounds like you want to stop. Still, your reasons are unclear to me. Because you feel sorry for your wife? Because you may be exposed?
I guess I was hoping to hear you say "because this other life is not me. Not the authentic me. I want to be me again."
Figure out who you are first. What is important to you? And when you die, what will have mattered ?
"They are not prostitutes"
You don't think for an instant that one might have a jealous boyfriend in the wings. Maybe just behind the door of her apartment, or watching from the next table, seething at you? Really, how old are you? You think they are clean upstanding ladies who don't have a viscous drug habit or a pimp putting them out or a loser, crazy boyfriend, or simply are sociopaths? Again, how old are you? You have been extremely lucky, for now.
I was going to suggest with your attitude to life that you simply be man enough to let your wife and kids go and pursue your interests. However, I don't think you are that man or you wouldn't be here. You wouldn't be watching your post and responding so quickly.
You mentioned being a father. Your kids will talk about you to their children and their children will talk about you to their children. That is how humans live on, after centuries. If you think you can keep this up indefinable and not have your children find out, you are simply wrong. You actually remind me of the people who make the "perfect murder" No such thing. You may think you have all of the answers, but you really don't. Your lies will catch you out sooner or later. Why not do the right thing and clean up your act? Ensure that your children will talk with great admiration and love for their father in the future and beyond. Walk proud in integrity. Which you do not have right now in any way shape or form.
It seems you lost your belief and everything is meaningless. Has something damaged you that much? Death of a partner. Death of a parent. Death of a child. Failure at your career. Ad infinitum. Everyone has issues and we all (here anyway) try our best to be the best we can.
I think you have a conscience and that is what will guide you to do the right thing. You wouldn't be here otherwise or you would be off having "fun" and not giving it an extra thought.
I haven't heard a word other than telling us your wife is nice, about your family. Your responsibility to them. To your vows. To their feelings. You seem very selfish and deluded at the moment. I hope you get a handle on this.
I of course laid out the worst of the worst to get you to understand that you are on the face of it a rube if you don't believe this is prostitution. That is a very dangerous place to be in. You have given yourself a false sense of security. It doesn't matter how long you have been doing it, it will catch you out one day if you are not careful. You don't sound careful or knowledgeable to me at any rate. Hell, maybe being murdered by a crazy boyfriend is a stretch, how about everyday common variety of blackmail?
What could happen to you and by definition, to your family, could make Jerry Springer look like a walk in the park. Your air of "respectability" could be damaged beyond repair, because it is a false air Your life is based on a web of lies.
You don't seem to have the value of actually being a good husband, father and whatever else. Your life, as we have been told by your posts, is all about illusion. The biggest illusion you have is your kind of "fun" and that doesn't bode well for your future. Gently, from your posts you are admittedly naive.
I urge you to step into the light and become for real the man you present to the rest of the world.
@studentoflife, I already stated most had boyfriends lol. I know exactly what this is lol. Trust me there is a huge difference these women wouldn't touch a 50-60yr old man with a 10ft pole. It's about adding to each other's life and something that is palpable for both parties. Normally the screening process alone takes a month std checks, background check, it's fairly formal. Normally I have full access to their FB and Instagram accounts that way I know even more what they are up too. Unless you have the $$$ to live this life I doubt you have really seen it first hand. It's easy to see that because of your assumptions. They are that of someone who has lived at strip clubs and hobbyist websites.
So, when we fly to NYC for the weekend her boyfriend is waiting? What about when we go to downtown Atlanta? Your generalizations couldn't be more out of whack and are so simpleton in thought I wonder what you were into for so long that you have seen what you say you have?
Since you asked I'm 38 married at 18. As for the latter piece you wrote? Now you are starting to hit the nail on the head.
My life is a total illusion, deluded and false are great acronyms to describe it. As I said these girls/women know the complete falsehood I have provided them with they know a convoluted version of my real life: false city, false name, false career which aids the act and it makes it easier to compartmentalize. It's like a side job almost.
It wasn't always like this just the past 3 years or so. The pendulum has swung from being a rule based, principle based, family focused, good citizen to a selfish, destructive, me first person who wears but the skin of his formal self. I have no family except my wife and kids. I was adopted and both birth mom and adopted parents have passed on. My birth father is unknown.
Thanks for you input much of it is spot on....even if I do think you have very little experience in this type of relationship.
[This message edited by suspended at 10:26 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]
Unless you have the $$$ to live this life I doubt you have really seen it first hand.
OK, so you are elite. You're a rube nontheless.
Whether it's $20 for a quick BJ in a car or a $1500 a month "allowance" to get all the extras, it's still prostitution (you give them money, they give you sex). It is of no consequence how it's packaged.
As an aside, that's really expensive "packaging" for a couple of times a month, guess they saw you coming.(pun intended)
I think you need to ask yourself why you are so stuck on it being anything other than what it is?
Your problem is actually pretty simple to fix. To end the double life you simply have to give up one.
Since you have stated you have no moral centre anymore, why do you hang on to the illusion of the more decent lifestyle? Why should you care what others think of you since it will all be forgotton in a 100 years. Let go and be free. Tell your wife, blow up your marriage, you've already done the damage, then you will be free to pursue what you really want. Or maybe despite your protestation you do care what people think and you're simply finding an excuse for your cheating in the "I've lost my morality" defense.
Just something to ponder.
"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras
There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
It's prostitution then add 100 txt messages a day, mentorship, a screening process, make sure there is compatibility, sharing tidbits of life's joys, extended time doing normal things together and then I'll agree it's just prostitution lol.
The illusion is to maintain a life I enjoy. I love being married, have a great relationship with my wife good sex life, great kids, this is just the cherry on top. Ideally I would never give up either, but reality is the latter has to go.
Lack of that moral belief system is definitely why I allowed this to happen. I don't think it is right hence why I live under dual illusions to protect the life I enjoy. My life is better with the illusions than the truth. Being honest will do nothing except change my standard of living, change my great relationship with my kids and wife, and possibly affect work, but my arrogance allows me to believe I'm above the system and will not get caught.
That same brain the exudes arrogance is also a realist and this isn't sustainable. Better to quit while I'm ahead then continue to risk everything.
[This message edited by suspended at 2:48 AM, December 9th (Monday)]
Better to quit while I'm ahead then continue to risk everything.
Once you hit rock bottom, you'll be able to get ahead. And fix your world view while you're at it. I remember, vaguely, how I felt when I was coming down to my lowest point in the weeks after my husband discovered my affair. It was awful. I feel for you.
Good luck, ~L.
If you read my post I still fail to see how I get caught if I stop now? Not impossible, but a plausible explanation for how it would happen eludes me.
These events have all happenned 100's of miles away. No one has my name, address, or real phone number. My phone is a work phone, so no chance of her touching that. I use Burner/Voice the numbers are completely fictitious.
The only way I get caught is if I confess or she puts something on the home laptop. She doesn't have admin rights, but there are ways around that.
Your 'rock bottom' moment will be in your life, it may not have anything to do with your wife learning of your affair, if she ever even does.
Point is, people generally don't try to change their ways until the present situation causes them more discomfort than the change would. You are not exempt from this. And given the great percieved discomfort of the change, your present situation will have to become a whole lot more uncomfortable before you are willing to dig into your own heart and mind as much as you need to.
Fixing your life is not for sissies, and it doesn't look as though you've found your courage yet. Courage to change yourself to suit your values, rather than changing your values to suit yourself.
A good therapist can help you with this, if you're willing. You'd have to find one you can't outsmart, though.
L.
It's just not typical prostitution many don't know the world even exists at this level. It's prostitution then add 100 txt messages a day, mentorship, a screening process, make sure there is compatibility, sharing tidbits of life's joys, extended time doing normal things together and then I'll agree it's just prostitution lol.
Oh please, your arrogance knows no bounds. BTDT. Call it "rentacompanion with benefits" if it makes you feel better. I find however, if it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, flys & floats like a duck, it's a duck (or a witch, if you're a Monty Python fan). It doesn't matter that it can also whistle dixie while riding a unicycle, that just makes it a very talented duck.
You simply partake of the western version of a vice that is all too common, well known by we poor illinformed people & centuries old in the east.
A little off topic and I mean no disrespect, but why is it that some Americans think that the USA invented vice & immorality? end t/j.
At the end of the day your mind is a mixed bag of guilt, justification, selfishness, entitlement, denial, grand standing, arrogance, elitism, ignorance and just plain stupidity.
I wish you luck in straightening it out, because sooner than you think the shit is gonna hit the fan.
[This message edited by SlowUptake at 5:58 AM, December 9th (Monday)]
Or if she gets an STD from you. Or if you leave your phone unattended one day and she picks it up. Or you slip up and bring home some evidence in your luggage. Or if she just gets a 'feeling' and starts snooping.
My experience with cheating is limited to one long term affair and a ONS (previous relationship), not multiple indiscretions, so it's not quite an analogous situation. But here is my experience anyway. He never found out; I confessed. I had too much respect for him to continue the lies. I should have left the relationship before I wandered. I no longer cheat because I remember how horrible that feeling is and I would rather die than put my husband through that pain.
A long time ago, I used to do online chatting/phone sex and a few face to face meetings with older men. Some were married. I had a short acquaintance with a guy who was afraid of his wife finding out his kink. We did a scene because he said it would stop him going to a prostitute. It just fed his kink and he ended up going to a prostitute anyway.
The whole experience left me very cynical about men, especially married men. Many would tell me how unhappy their relationships were, how they were on the verge of divorce or were just staying for the sake of the kids, etc etc. It took a long time before I could trust any man.
If the idea of potentially exposing your wife to disease, sorrow and public ridicule isn't enough to make you want to quit, perhaps you could also dwell on the message you're sending to these young women about what marriage is like?
I also wanted to comment on your agnosticism. You don't need to have faith in god to have morals. If you think it doesn't matter what you do, perhaps you could ask yourself how you'd feel if your wife cheated. Or why you're keeping it a secret if it doesn't really matter?
Do you really want to stop?
Tell your wife.
You may not get caught, but at the end of the day you have to live with you. You know what you're doing and it's uncomfortable.
Is this:
but inside I am numb to almost everything
If you don't tell her, and keep your cheating a secret I'm sure you'll be fine for a while, but eventually it'll wear away at you, it'll wear you down.
My tagline is "Your secrets keep you sick" for a reason. I heard that for years. I didn't get it until I told my BS my big secret. It wasn't until I let that go that I was able to begin freeing myself from my self made prison of secrets and lies.
Tell your wife. Let her know who she is married to. Let her make her decisions about her life with all the information.
Welcome to SI. This place can be a lifesaver.
"Your secrets keep you sick"
Good, I'm glad we agree it is prostitution. You just have the extended girlfriend experience TM. BTW I am not a strip club attendee nor a hobbiest. I know these girls from the other side as working people. So tune down the arrogance for just a little while.
So basically something happened to your life as alluded to in your first and a few posts after that changed your life view, correct? What happened? I think sharing about that would be the perfect opening to getting the answers you are searching for. Open up if you really want change. I don't mean open up to the high flying aspects of your pseudo life, frankly it is annoying to talk to someone about such things when they won't even be honest about them.
My world view is very important to my life. Yes, religion is no longer an option for me. I could go on about gods, god and the improbability of all of them. However, I did not throw out morality, honesty, care and compassion with those gods. The 'truth' in the bible cans still be found, like it can in any human literature and can be helpful to all of we humans,if we choose to utilize it. Why did you choose the route of the animal, that is not self aware and reacts to it's world? No hit on animals, however I think everyone would agree that certain animals lack any kind of "moral" guidance. One part of your posts alludes to what some christians argue about being godless, that it leads to dogs and cats living together, the absolute destruction of life as we know it because God isn't in heaven watching over us. Does that touch part of what happened to you?
How did you reach the point of writing entire posts that have nothing to do with your wife's feelings, hopes, life and we don't even know your childrens genders or age, what school is like for them. And yet you claim a great relationship? Something doesn't add up for me in all of this. Think about that for a little while.
Do you really lack the respect for your wife to not think, even for a little moment that she may have resources of her own and having you watched, that she might be just as "smart" as yourself? Arrogance will be your downfall if you let it.
You say you know what to do. Why are you here then asking us? A smart guy like you should have it all figured out and it should be a cake walk, right? Maybe the arrogance and calculating is all you have at the moment and you desire more, could that be close to the truth?
Look you may find someone to help you that didn't get caught. Don't turn away the learning you can get from everyone on this site though. Frankly I feel for you and how utterly awful it must be to have a life of nothing but lies. I hope you find what you are looking for, really.
The fact that you are on this site shows you must have some remorse and guilt for your actions and want to change your behavior.
But to put it bluntly, you sound like a real life Christian Grey to me....and I agree with the others the arrogance is overwhelming.
I'm not trying to judge you but am just wondering where the remorse is....how do you think this would affect your wife and children when they find out?
What is more important to you? Being a family man or a sugar daddy?
So, my advice to you is, although it may be hard you need to break off all contact and come clean. You don't have to come clean right away. It took me over a year to come clean about my A. You need help. This is obviously a sex addiction problem. You need to seek help from a professional and her treatment for this or it will consume and ruin your life. Look at your wife (and kids if you have any). Do they deserve better? Imagine the hurt and heartache your wife would feel if she were to find out. If you love and care for her, that thought will hurt you. You need to make a decision. Your wife deserves someone who loves her. She deserves to know that you are there for her and only her. You took the first step. You obviously want to change but YOU need to do you. You obviously have the money to get therapy and there are tons of professionals that specialize in sex addiction. I wish you the best and hope you make the right decision for yourself as well as your family. I hope this helped.
So, again if you have led a double life, how did you quit it?
But you have to want to stop. I don't really see that in your posts.
I do think you have very little experience in this type of relationship.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
