Faithful for 18 years, avid church goer for 11 of them now I'm more agnostic then anything, I never thought I would be here, but like many I am.
I lead a double life. Outwardly I'm a super dad, husband, professional by day and Sugar Daddy the rest of the time.
It started off simple with txting girls I met on a website and I remember being nauseous the first time I did. I couldn't believe this world was out there. I was like a kid in a candy store, but so scared to eat a piece of candy. Slowly I became acclimated to the lifestyle step by step ultimately leading to full bore infidelity.
Over the course of months I finaly met a girl 16 years my junior, tattooed, piercings, artsy, musical, I was on a business trip. We didn't do anything just dinner, drinks, and talked.
It was enough of a rush that I was hooked since then there have been 6 different girls all 14-19 years my junior that I've had trysts with over the last 3 years usually for 4-6 months at a time. They all have been physical included sex, daily txt, and all of the fixings of a classic sugar daddy/baby relationship. I've talked to hundreds though.
Unlike most people who cheat I am very cautious, but just like most people who do cheat I too do not believe I will be caught. I have 3 layers of anonymity a CC with a false last name, a fake id with false adress and same name, and two phone apps that I use for communication that I delete and reinstall each day as I leave for work. These girls are being equally fooled as my whole story is a false one. All of these young women have been out of town 2-8hrs away. We generally only meet up once a month the rest is just text.
I could be caught if my wife put software on my phone, but it's a work phone, so that won't happen. She could use the home computer, but we have 6 different logins, so it's doubtful that would ever happen. The computer sits in the front room her and I rarely ever log into. She could though I've been meaning to wipe that out for safe measure.
My question is I alway feel guilty duh, but don't stop. How did others who were in this situation find the will to stop this lifestyle or a similar one?
The reasoning for this behavior is twofold. My core belief of the world has forever changed with my lack of belief in a true afterlife, so does anything really matter in the end? Secondly, after severe traumatic event my heart is very hard nowadays. I find myself focusing on myself and my "fleshly" wants alot more. As far as the younger woman it's just their youth and virality. How tight their bodies are, new experiences, and seeing their different view on life. It's like a really extravagent date with a hot younger women 1-2 times a month that you know ends in crazy sex.
I still put on a front in my day to day life and act happy, silly, funny like I always have, but inside I am numb to almost everything. I have compartmentalized my actions and know deep down I cannot continue. This is not a sustainable lifestyle.
So, again if you have led a double life, how did you quit it? I don't want to hear too much about people who were caught and forced to quit. Who quit on their own?
[This message edited by suspended at 6:38 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]