"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Nowhiteflag posted 12/8/2013 18:45 PM

I filed for divorce about 6 months ago, still haven't even went to court because he is holding off. He continues to beg me to get back together even tho I have started seeing someone else. As with everyone else I thought we were soul mates, we had something special that no one else had. We opened a bar 6 years ago, everything was good, I was true blue and thought he was too. He always treated me like a princess at the bar, bragging about what he had and how awesome I was. One day I decided to check the phone records because I had been going out of town a lot and my daughter had found out that her husband was cheating by doing this. I found a number I didn't recognize and text it from his phone. Long story short, this gal tells me he hit on her at the bar and called her to come back, she says she wouldn't do it because she knows me but I know her also and she is a slut, do it with anyone at anytime. So after this and he denied how the phone number was called or that she was even there I start investigating. I find out from someone else that he got a BJ at the bar.. I confront him and he breaks down and admits it. I make him leave the house for about a week, give in to his begging and decide to try and save the marriage. After awhile, I couldn't stop thinking about what else happened so I secretly start taping him at work while he's at the bar. I hear all kinds of remarks he is still making to women, very inappropriate. He doesn't want sex as much as I do, never has which also makes me wonder how long things have been going on that I never knew about. This goes on for three years until I can't take it anymore and tell him I want a divorce. Both of us were miserable, me wondering and he just tired of my moods, I'm also going through the change of life... I can't imagine life without him but can't continue with him so I go file for divorce. I never cheated on him, never had the desire. He moves out, I set on the back porch drinking every night and crying my eyes out. After about a month of that and me finally realizing our life is over he starts contacting me again begging, crying, threatening suicide if he can't be with me. About a month ago, I started seeing a guy who is only 33, I just turned 49. I know it's crazy and I said I would never, ever date a younger guy but he is much more mature than his age. I like him a lot, we have fun and he's really helped build up my confidence that I really lost over the years. My problem is, I can't help but feel sorry for my x, he calls crying saying he has nothing without me, text that he misses me so much and I feel sorry for him. I start asking myself, what if he didn't do but the one thing, even though I have heard lots of stories that he did. What if he has changed, what if nobody will love me the way he loves me and stand by me. I mean I am getting older, I hate to start all over after 25 years of being with this man... How do I move forward, do I stop having any contact with him what so ever other than through a lawyer? Why do I even care if I am done with him... has anyone else had this happen, the feelings and how do you just let it go and move on?? I have never taken a pill in my life to deal with stuff but my doctor put me on Xanax because I wake up in the morning shaking so bad I can't stand in the shower, my nerves are shot and I have a hard time concentrating on anything. Any advice, good or bad would be appreciated and I have thick skin so don't worry about hurting my feelings.

wontdefineme posted 12/8/2013 21:15 PM

I divorced after 25years, it is hard but well worth not being with a liar and cheat who only thought of himself. Once you let him back in, he will know how much you will put up with. Don't sit still in misery because you are too scared to move forward.

If you let him back in and he does it again, how old will you be next time, 60, 70?

anewday78 posted 12/8/2013 21:23 PM

Jeez, this is a tough one because you really managed to turn the tables on him good. Unfortunately in cases of infidelity, somebody always gets hurt. You refused to be a victim and you shouldn't feel sorry about that. If your husband is feeling the consequences of his poor choices, those are consequences he should live with, don't you think. Let go of any guilt you're feeling. You've done nothing wrong. Once you've lived without the guilt, maybe then you'll be able to make a more informed decision.

notsosureanymore posted 12/9/2013 01:37 AM

Nowhiteflag, So I see this is your first post. You are in the club no one ever wanted to be. You will find lots of help here, keep reading.
You have been seeing someone for about a month, so if you have done all the things that lovers do then you are not only a betrayed spouse but a wayward spouse as well. Sounds to me tho that you found yourself in the throes love out of the basic need for companionship and not revenge. So that in itself tells a lot about how you feel about moving forward. I can relate to you and everyone is further along their own relationship to justify moving on sooner the others would. I moved on to a summer love affair that has recently ended funny how I still wonder if there is any way in hell I could have my marriage back.

How do I move forward, do I stop having any contact with him what so ever other than through a lawyer? Why do I even care if I am done with him...

I am in the same place emotionally. Although my wife has shone me little if no desire to be together any longer. I'm sure me doing the same thing to her did'nt help my chances at all. We split a week after mothers day.)
I have a friend who is a bartender where it was just too much the same way. You know it's just the environment I guess. wontdefine and newday made some very valid points about consequences facts and future. At the bar there will always be bar sluts willing to really give any thing for free booze. I seen it myself. Bars run on cash and lots of cash can be stacked so make sure you are taken care of. He didn't know that first bj would eventually cost him half of everything. and it should.

Take2 posted 12/9/2013 08:56 AM

Sounds like what you've recorded is him getting his ego stroked - suggesting he seeks external validation and has really poor boundaries (a critical flaw in that line of work, IMO) In a bar/nightclub there is already chum in the water, you just throw out a bunch of lines and see who bites... That arena offers particularly easy pickings if you want to cheat. Key words: "want to cheat".

I worked in a bar for years, met x (a musician) working. We were married for 30 years because I was clueless to his multiple A's. We've been D'd nearly 2 years. I heard the suicide bit, the "I can't live without you" line. In fact, I still get "woe is me" - "I love you" and "I can't believe what a fool I've been" emails.

But I spent enough time snooping real time to discover that "his undying love and faithfulness" was concurrently offered even as he continued to flirt, swoon over, and pick up other women. My X is a "love bomber" (you may want to look up the term). He was all talk and no real actions when he spoke of R. He wasn't remorseful, sorry maybe, but that looks suspiciously akin to self-pity.

No two situations or WS's are the same - but I advise you take a good look at his "sorry" and if possible continue recording to see what the translation of sorry is. At 55 - I get not wanting to be alone, but sometimes the alternative is not a better offer.

[This message edited by Take2 at 8:57 AM, December 9th (Monday)]

lost4now posted 12/9/2013 14:39 PM

I experienced the same problem. My STBXH always turned on the tears and the apologies and I felt bad for him. He always knew how to get to me and he played me for the forgiveness I offered. I made excuses for his bad behavior. I didn't want to lose all of the years I had put into the relationship. We have two children. We built a life together. Etc, etc.

But this last time, I just stopped giving a crap. Being broke and alone actually seemed better to me! That is when I knew it was time. I no longer cared! And he did the same crying bit and played on my emotions. The only difference this time was that I did not cave in. He begged and pleaded and swore he would win me back. After three weeks.......he gave up and began dating his mistress out in the open. Now he doesn't even talk to me!!!!

I guess what I am trying to say (and every WH is different for sure) put him to the test. If he really cares and really wants to fix things than he will show you. Ask yourself why after all of these years HE doesn't look at your marriage the same way you did?! Why didn't he value it like you did? Why was it so easy for him to invest time and energy in another woman instead of you?

Don't make it easy for him. Make it real tough and see what he is made of.

Nowhiteflag posted 12/29/2013 14:30 PM

Thank you everyone for your post! It helps a lot when you have a place like this to just lay it all out and not be judged. I have asked the new guy I am seeing to let me have some time, just some time to think about what I really want. Also, I'm having a really hard time dealing with the age difference.. I care for him but really I don't see a future so what am I doing??? I think between the divorce and going through the change, I am really just a little crazy at this point in my life. Anyway, thanks again for all of the advice, it does help. :)