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am i being petty?

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whiteflower99 posted 12/8/2013 18:54 PM

I posted this in general but only got one reply so I thought I would ask here.

Some background info: I came to SI in 2007 when he was in the middle of an affair with a married coworker. I did everything wrong. Begged pleaded blamed myself etc. He showed a little regret but no real remorse. I accepted that because I thought I couldn't live without him.
He got very upset whenever I told any of our mutual friends, I guess it was to protect his image. Neveind that I needed their support.

This time after I told him I was ready to divorce and he actually saw the paperwork and all he has since come to me and said he wants to reconcile.

He has since taken it upon himself to out the affair he had to anyone and everyone who asks about his demotion.
My issue is that he says he "slept with a coworker" which to me makes it sound like a ONS. Mind you this was a six month long affair including gas lighting rewriting marital history... the works.
My IC said this is a big step for him. I think she is letting him off easy. He starts IC this week. What do you all think? Am I being petty or is he minimizing?

breakingpoint posted 12/8/2013 19:44 PM

I don't see the point of reliving all of the details for other people. I think everyone knowing the details of the affair would make it worse. It would become a salacious story for the water cooler, rather than the story being about a mistake, remorse, and R.

Shattered-Heart posted 12/8/2013 20:33 PM

That's a tough one.
He's admitting, but that's a heck of an environment to navigate in.
I'd be more concerned with how he's making it seem with you than at work. If he's remorseful and not just guitly/regretting getting caught, doing the work like in IC, doing the hard stuff with you like being patient and answering any questions you have, letter of NC, timeline, whatever you need to feel safe, those kinds of things. If he's not minimizing with you and close family/friends he's admitting to I wouldn't worry as much about work, but definitely keep an eye out to determine his motives for minimizing it. Breakingpoint had a good point about water cooler talk, maybe that's why. Why not ask him directly? Let him know it makes you uneasy to think he's minimizing the gravity of the situation, open it up for discussion, and give him the opportunity to deal with it together with you. It's possible he's just not communicating properly with you.
((whiteflower))

whiteflower99 posted 12/9/2013 07:08 AM

Thanks for responding :-)
On the one hand he is doing everything I asked of him in the past. He is loving he is more than patient with me. On Thanksgiving I had a breakdown which he turned into a breakthrough. I feel confident he would hold me if I needed him to... but I don't. I am not weepy or anything like that around him. He is telling me everything I want to hear doing everything I want him to do.
My issue is a "been there done that" kind of feeling.

For him, who has had a hard time even admitting guilt outside of just our marriage, I am wondering if this a baby step towards remorse. He HAS to feel guilty to feel remorseful, doesn't he? If so, then maybe IC is right and I could mentally cut him some slack.

RockyMtn posted 12/9/2013 07:11 AM

I don't think you're being petty.

I agree that I wouldn't really want him to say anything at all. I'm a big fan of privacy. Hate drama and gossip and outing affairs to the public tends to bring those things. However, if WH did discuss the affair, I wouldn't want him to minimize it. At all. And that is what he's doing, which would upset me, too.

What do you want from him? What do you want him to say? Have you told him? Try telling him and see if he follows through.

whiteflower99 posted 12/10/2013 14:52 PM

I haven't really given him a script to say. We did talk about it and his reasoning was that OW thought he was going to leave me for her.

Finding out that their "relationship" has been reduced to "sleeping together" in his eyes shows how little she meant to him. We all work for the same company but she is in a different location. I know word gets back to her and honestly, EVERYONE already knew about their A once I found out because SHE ran her mouth.
It's why he was demoted.

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