I know that it is wrong to ask my BSO for support and acknowledgement during this time period. I am looking inward for validation, but I am still new to this and don't have a lot of self-validation to draw off of.
I think that part of my problem is that in my last major relationship I was co-dependent. I wanted to be the center of her attention, and all of my validation came through her. BTW this person was my AP also.
I guess what I am asking is if it is ok to seek outward validation as I ween myself off of it. I'm not sure if or even how to cut it off completely. I think that it was the lack of both outward and inward validation that lead to my EA.
As far as asking your BS for support, remember that you have destroyed their world. They need validation and compassion too. Are you able to give that to them right now? If not, why would you think they are capable of helping you right now?
Learn to validate yourself. Learn to sit with things that are uncomfortable for a little while. Learn to stand on your own two feet, because that seems to be the root of your problem.
Good luck and keep posting. We are here for you.
For example, you may be working on a project at work. Your boss can come up to you, give a firm pat on the back and tell you job well done. You feel good about that. You worked hard and acknowledgement of that is rewarding. However, in that same situation, it becomes unhealthy when you expect him to come to you and tell you that you did a great job. Because what happens when he doesn't come through? You might become resentful. Saying to yourself, damn it! I did a great job. What an asshole for not acknowledging how hard I worked to get that job done!
I think the same goes for R. When you feel you are doing all of the right things you are still wanting that pat on the back for a job well done. The problem is that any BS probably won't want to give you that pat on the back for acting like a good spouse. You should have been doing that all along, right? Again, it's the expectation of validation from her that will cause the problem.
The process of R really helped me learn about validation. I had to learn to do things because I wanted to and not because I had an expectation of what the outcome of that may be. I may have had hopes for an outcome but quite often the things I did weren't received with smiles and pats on the back. I had to learn to be ok with that. I had to realize that no matter what the outcome, I was fine because I knew I was doing the right thing and I could feel good about myself just knowing that.
Be cautious of using "tactics". I'm not sure what you meant by that exactly but part of the reason she is getting angry with it is because she is feeling you are attempting to control or manage the situation. Just be open and honest. Let go of expectations.
[This message edited by WalkinOnEggshelz at 6:33 AM, December 9th (Monday)]
Only you know if you can change and be the man she deserves. If you think you can, let that lift you up. It's ok to pat yourself on the back for your progress if she isn't able to yet.
[This message edited by AML04 at 6:49 AM, December 9th (Monday)]
But I hope my WH finds validation in the fact that I am still with him.
Wow! Just wow! This is one thing I am sorry I forgot to mention in my last post and very, very important. Just the simple fact that your wife is still there speaks volumes. Try to really take that in and begin to stand on your own two feet. Think of what you can do for your wife and not yourself so much. KWIM?
Thank you, walkingoneggshelvz.. this gave me so much encouragement. I too am expecting too much and looking so hard for validations from my BH. I just have to give myself a pat on the back myself if he can't for doing my best. And yes, I also must be grateful that he chose to stay with me and haven't left me or asked me to leave