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Thanos posted 12/9/2013 01:08 AM

.... years later and I'm feeling okay, friendly and happy and back to my positive self for the most part. Have dated a bit and shared in a few light relationships but nothing really serious. I see something in me that I really don't know what to do about. I can't seem to let anyone close .... it's all good until it begins to feel close - at that point I feel very uncomfortable and move away from that friendship or relationship ! I keep everyone an arms length away now ( except mg two kids ) and it's just not good.
Anyone with knowledge and insight on this please help .... I don't wish to die a lonely man.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 12/9/2013 01:21 AM

Well, you KNOW when you start to shut down, right? You have to learn to recognize it and push through, not allowing yourself to do that, anymore.

Have you been in IC? I think that might help a lot, too.

inhishands55 posted 12/9/2013 01:31 AM

Well, I hate to say it but I know where you are coming from...You are guarding your heart...I have been divorced for over 12 yrs...Let several guys get close and then I pulled away...

One guy I was seeing tried to help me with my garden and I wouldn't let him do much...That garden is my therapy and I don't let many people help with that...

I don't know that I will ever get married again, the last one was my second one...We were together for almost 18 yrs..I thought I knew what I was getting into when we married, since we had lived together for almost 6 yrs...No, I saw the monster later drunk and sober..I was more afraid of the sober one than the drunk...And abuse came with the drunk one...

The guy I am seeing now is younger than me and I don't think it will end in marriage for a lot of reasons...He might move in, but I seriously doubt marriage is in my future with him...

I'm like you I don't want to die a lonely woman, not a man

We all who have been cheated on will have our guard up for a very long time...I don't know if mine will ever be all the way down...That is part of us and I know you have to be able to trust again...We have to remember these new people in our lives are not our past...But our past makes us who we are today...If that makes any senses tonight at this time of the morning..

I hope I have helped you a little..I don't know how far out you are from your divorce...I didn't see anyone for almost 5 yrs after my divorce...I got burnt bad...But I guess everyone feels that way...Part of my healing was mainly working on myself and sometimes I have to reflect on that again...Make sure you take care of you...

Hang in there Thanos...Maybe, you just haven't met the one you are meant to be with...The other ones were just practice for you..

better4me posted 12/9/2013 10:34 AM

I get this Thanos. I do this too. I'm okay happy and friendly too, but there is a line that I'm reluctant to cross. Being vulnerable feels so scary but it is the only way to get close to people. I recommend reading books by Brene Brown. She writes about vulnerability. She has a great TED talk you can look at on YouTube also.

Life is about risks, and if we don't take them we don't get what we want out of life.

My head knows I'll be okay if a relationship doesn't work out or if I get rejected or whatever, but it takes a bit more to convince myself to try...

Maybe, you just haven't met the one you are meant to be with...The other ones were just practice for you.
my new motto for the week!

cmego posted 12/9/2013 14:09 PM

I think most of us go through this stage, whether we realize it or not. It takes some hard work to realize what we are doing and why. One you understand WHAT you are doing, the hardest part is to fight against it.

For me, I tend to get "angry" and "slam emotional doors". Meaning, when I feel pain in a relationship…instead of talking about it and telling the other person how I feel, my defense mechanism is to push them away. I could let the person get close, but as soon as they hurt me I shoved them away and didn't look back.

I began to recognize that I was doing this and couldn't get on top of the emotional reaction. I simply withdrew, and made sure the person did not come back. In reality, people (including me) and going to make mistakes. No relationship is ever going to be sunshine and rainbows all the time. If I can't feel pain, and be willing to face it, then I'm not ready to be in a healthy relationship.

So, now I force myself to face the emotion, or pain. I do everything I can to not retreat and WORK through it. I face the emotions, communicate about it and try not to fear any consequences.

I think a lot of it is just recognizing the emotion and where it is coming from, then making the decision to work through it. I find I have to force myself, but at least I'm trying.

It is a matter of facing the pain instead of running from it. As my IC says…it takes practice.

fireproof posted 12/9/2013 23:24 PM

It might sound odd but I think it comes down to strength. If you focus on activities with your kids or a hobby inner strength will build and you will find you are ready because you will realize you are strong enough to handle what may come.

Whose to say the past people were the right people. If you are concerned work with an IC or strengthen your inner core so it is less about the other person and how they respond to you.

Thanos posted 12/11/2013 00:07 AM

Thanks for giving me something to think about.

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