I am a tenacious person...have been since the begining, according to my Mom.
I am a person with abandonment fears.
I am many other things as well...but these two dominant traits are what I have been focusing on lately.
I find it odd that people with abandonment issues typically DON'T persevere when hurt by another person. Initially I reacted to my DD in typical abandonment fashion....trying to comfort my wife, minimize the damage done to me and our marriage, cling to a toxic person at all costs, etc.
But, according to what I have uncovered, once that initial trauma has subsided...and acceptance sets in....I SHOULD withdraw from my wife per Abandonment modes of operation. "You cant hurt me if you are not around me" philosophy. I have accepted the actions of my wife and the damage it has done to me, our M and our family. I still spontaneously cry, but I have accepted what happened....happened.
I witnessed my brother go through this typical process with his wife and his D. He was upset for about 1 month, then shut down completely....and they D.
He has not looked back.
I was concerned about that when I first found the plane of lethal flatness....thought I might be shutting down completely and about to file for D....even sought legal advice.
But I didn't.
My wife suggested since I am a middle child there are factors in-play that temper my abandonment issues. I also think my tenacity, which pre-dates my FOO Abandonment thing, plays into this as well.
I sometimes wonder if my tenacity will blind me to what my M really is, and the possibility that what I am attempting to do is in vane...simply can't happen.
So I have thought about that.
Here are two things that are helping me deal with this anxiety.
"suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope"--the Bible.
While I have never been more uncomfortable in my life, I have never felt so complete. If it weren't so damn painful this could be viewed as an uplifting experience. The last word in that quote (hope) is a journey I just completed as I discerned what true hope is compared to what true cope is. Cope is a sucky state...that I will resist. Hope is more difficult, but is a state I choose to nurture. My abandonment issuses were born out of a need to cope with life. I can see how they got me out of a tough spot as a 12 year old boy, but how they have limited my maturity as a 42 year old man.....took my wife sleeping with another man to do this, but I am no longer blind to my coping mechanisms. It has left a very bad taste in my mouth anytime I get anywhere close to old unhealthy habits.
When asked for his secret to success, Henry Ford replied "When you start a thing, don't quit until you finish it".
I started a M with my wife....I intend to hold up my part in that marriage as fully as God allows me to.
What I wrestle with on THIS point is....my wife quit her M to me when she choose adultery. It takes two to make a healthy M, but only 1 to make it unhealthy. My wife has shown me her ability to quit. She is attempting to show me she can do better. Adultery is the only sin that D is a valid option....but it is NOT a given that D must happen following adultery.
This post is more about me trying to gel up some stark differences in the feelings inside me...trying to find out what the true motives are underlying these feelings.
Reflective this morning.....mind movies won last night.....feeling aggravated this morning.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:23 AM, December 9th (Monday)]