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Contact with OW and her H this weekend - any help deciphering?

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bionicgal posted 12/9/2013 10:54 AM

After checking with our MC, Mr. Bionicgal and I decided to let our boundaries be clear about the LinkedIn situation and he contacted the APs husband, and I emailed both of them. (For those who may not have read earlier post. . . AP signed up on LinkedIN, showed up in “People You May Know” feed, H accidentally clicked on it on phone trying to "x" it out(I was there).

Panic ensued as we try to decide whether to contact her husband and let him know it was a mistake. Of course, next day she shows up as having been on Mr. Bionicgal’s page. ) I sent AP and APs husband a very terse email saying that my H had let me know she had shown up as having viewed his page (as a similar accident seemed incredibly implausible) and that we wanted to be clear with our boundaries. I just wanted her (and him) to know that I know, that there are no more secrets, and to back off.

There had also been another potential issue with H going to the gym where AP frequents and occasionally works, as he had said in his original apology letter to her H that he would avoid this place and go to an option further out. Well, 95% of the time we go to the further out gym, but he and I have gone together a couple of times to the closer one to catch a class we particularly wanted to go to. (We have frequented this gym for nearly a decade, and have lots of friends who teach there, etc.)

We thought we should let the AP spouse know we were doing this so that there was no mistaken intent, and that he’d know it was on the up and up. (H did see her there once when he was leaving the locker room., and obviously didn’t speak to her.) But, this weekend H took the initiative to let him know that he wasn’t checking her out on LinkedIn, and that he only went to the mutual gym with me.

So, I basically got back deflection from OW (“I also accidentially clicked on his page!”) and weird rationalization (“I saw that he had been on my page and didn’t at all see it as a breach of boundaries”). Really? I mean, really?? I found that astounding. The man you had an affair with 6 months ago shows up as looking at your LinkedIn profile, and it doesn’t even register?

Her H seems to believe her on the LinkedIn thing, which – well, whatever. But then strangely, he really took H to task for doing other than what he had indicated he was going to do (about the gym) in his apology letter, even though he only went with me, and even though H came to him about it (albeit after going twice.) Let's be clear that OW never made any similar concessions or promises of accountability to me at any point -- in fact she increased participation in places she knows we'll be - like church.

So, I get it. I don’t blame him (H of AP) for being suspicious, distrustful, and irritated at my husband. But, he/we took the initiative, and then basically heard that our not only were my concerns completely unfounded, but that actually, it was my H who was out of line. Harumpf.

It just feels bad because we were trying to avoid bad feelings. But, I am wondering if the moral of the story isn’t that you always distrust the other AP more than your own wayward spouse – I suppose it is protective. And I can see where H of AP has zero reason to trust my husband, although I do believe that my H was doing what our MC actually called a “kindness” by trying to make sure there was no misunderstanding of his actions and motives. And in the reverse, from them, there was nothing but denial and absolutely zero apology.

It left a terrible taste in both of our mouths, but did clue me in even further to the dynamics of their relationship, and what a liar she really is—even when the distortions strain credulity.

But is it any victory to be the more sane couple in this type of situation? Or, as I referenced in my response to Blakesteele’s email, am I similarly being stubborn to my/our own point of view and not “seeing” my H accurately? I don’t think so – but the whole thing was unsettling.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 1:03 PM, December 9th (Monday)]

bionicgal posted 12/9/2013 16:04 PM

Clearly too much info for one post!

FeelingSoMuch posted 12/9/2013 16:08 PM

Honestly, I think the best way to handle this is to leave them alone. No updates, excuses, reasons or any other contact. Just have no contact whatsoever with them.

As for the gym, either your H or his AP need to commit to never going back to that gym. No contact is important. You can't go through life thinking about each other.

Good luck.

alphakitte posted 12/9/2013 16:13 PM

^^^ this

bionicgal posted 12/9/2013 16:19 PM

Re: the gym. . . H emailed AP's BS the times/days of the two classes we take there together --. So, it should avoid any surprises. (These are not classes she would take, and we aren't hanging out in common areas.) I should add that we are at the gym 6-7 days a week, so it has been a big concession on our part, and he gave up all the classes that he loved that she started going to before and during the affair. He actually misses those classes more than her.

I am a little hesitant to totally give that space up -- especially because I am there, and it is literally 8 blocks from our house. Of course, I don't hold his hand to and from the locker room, but we are together 99% of the time, and he would absolutely not go alone. She works there sporadically, so short of getting her schedule, this seemed fair.

Kelany posted 12/9/2013 16:25 PM

Why on earth did you contact them again? Who cares if you go to the gym, you don't need to give them a heads up. NC is NC.

unfound posted 12/9/2013 16:33 PM

You have no control over how AP and her H will react, and they didn't react how you wished or thought they would. Walk away from it. Let him work on his own M, and you on yours. Make them a non entity and stop feeding the monkey.

It just feels bad because we were trying to avoid bad feelings.

Gently, how they feel or what they think of you or your H is none of your business, just as how you feel and what you think of them is none of theirs. Something else you can't control.

If I would have gotten an email from H's AP (out of kindness or hatefulness) detailing when and where she'd be so there wouldn't be any surprises....... yeah, no. But that's just me.

[This message edited by unfound at 4:34 PM, December 9th (Monday)]

bionicgal posted 12/9/2013 16:35 PM

Samantha - there were a couple things that had happened that we felt could be misconstrued. I guess we were trying to be reassuring. (And MC thought it was a "kindness" to let her BS know.) But, it did kind of backfire on us.

H and AP have no contact -- BS and I occasionally email to coordinate our families avoiding each other. I have only contacted her a couple times -- this time to let her know I knew she was on my H's LinkedIn page.

In retrospect, I guess I am sorry we did it, although it did seem to bring H and I closer together.

confused615 posted 12/9/2013 16:36 PM

I can understand the OBH getting pissed because your WH is going to the gym his wife works at and frequents. Your WH told him he wouldn't go there anymore..and then he did. His intent doesn't matter...that you were with him doesn't matter( to her husband). He went..and his wife saw him there at least once. He said he wouldn't go..and he should stick to that. I realize it's inconvenient and unfair to you..but your WH told him he would stay he should.

Your WH accidentally clicked on her know it was an accident. Her BH just knows your WH viewed his wife's page. And she lied about it...not surprising.

It may be ok with you if he goes to the gym when he is with you. But he told her husband he would stay away. It is clearly not ok with her husband if he is there.

I agree with the need to go NC with them. Stay away from the gym..your WH should do this out of respect for her BH..AND your marriage. No more phone calls or emails. No need to explain motivation or circumstances if there is no contact.

I don't see her husband as being unreasonable at all. his WW lied to him. You know this..but he doesn't. Wanting to believe your WS when attempting to R doesn't make one insane..otherwise most of the members of SI would be insane.

Your MC called your WH's attempt to explain to her BH a "kindness." really, the kindest thing your WH could do for this man is to stay away..completely.

ILINIA posted 12/9/2013 16:37 PM

((bionicgal)) I'm sorry that it ended so crappy. I feel there is no peace, beauty, or enjoyment in the world right now. We used to be so carefree. All our thoughts, conversations, and decisions are now centered around the crappy A. You are trying to keep this civil, but I think you are the only one. Don't ever return to the gym. It is just another casualty of the A.

bionicgal posted 12/9/2013 16:37 PM

Unfound - but what if in an apology to the BS you had said you wouldn't do something (go to this particular gym) and then had (but gone with your spouse.) We thought he'd be reassured. . . we weren't sure if she knew I was there. But, no? I honestly want to know.

unfound posted 12/9/2013 16:45 PM

Any contact from the AP would make my head explode. Even if my ass was on fire and my hair catching, I wouldn't want to hear from her to extend the kindness of alerting me.

Leave them alone. Go about your gym schedule how you feel comfortable. Have a plan with your H with what you both will do (together or separately) if you see her.

[This message edited by unfound at 4:46 PM, December 9th (Monday)]

Kalliopeia posted 12/9/2013 20:19 PM

You are dancing all around trying to "avoid bad feelings"?

Seriously? IGNORE THEM. And stop worrying what they think or feel. Your husband should focus on his apology to YOU and what that entails rather than blowing gaskets over who looked at who online.

LA44 posted 12/9/2013 21:00 PM

I am going with unfound on this one.

A's are bad. They leave bad feelings.Period. Whether you see each other at the gym, church, mall, grocery store or what have you, you can't avoid the bad feelings but you can feel good about where you two are in your M and how you carry yourself in an awkward sitch. What they do is what they do.

Forever, NC. Take it from there.

bionicgal posted 12/10/2013 06:09 AM

You guys have given me a lot to think about. I agree that BS had a right to be pissed. ... And we should have realized earlier that it would be a problem. Obviously he is going to see my H in the worst light, as I do my h's AP.

It is hard. . We were all friends, and I suppose there is some part of me that wishes he could see how unthreatened he should be at this point by my H. It would be a gift if if I could know she had moved on, and was accountable for her actions, and they were getting healthy. I understand that we have to focus inward and not care. ..

Regarding the gym, there are a couple of classes we want to go to there, and we will go together. (One is taught by a friend, the other is 1.5 hours long, and a prep for a fundraiser we want to do in the Spring. They aren't offered anywhere else.) We drive out of our way most days of the week to avoid it, but we are paying members and things were different between us when my H made that statement about not going there. .. .he didn't think to say "until the point at which my wife is comfortable going there and we can go together." Or, "until which point I feel total indifferrence when I see AP." Both of those things have happened.

We live 8 blocks from the AP, in a small town, and we go to the same church, So, seeing them is inevitable. Part of the affair took place at the gym, and H and I have to deal with that between ourselves. But, I think we have tried to take the place back for us, and we largely have, and it is probably healthy.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 6:13 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 12/10/2013 06:16 AM

I am so sorry bionicgal. What a crap ass situation to be in.

I see your points- absolutely trying to be reassuring- making it clear that your intentions were not to make contact.
You were trying to so the right thing for everyone.
And it blew up in your face.
Because anything to do with the A does.

I agree with others though- NC is NC

For me- it would be my knee jerk reaction to question any contact from the AP. I don't care what her intentions were or how amicably things were agreed upon- ANY contact from her and I would automatically think she was fishing or trying to stir the pot. The contact would be enough and I would black out any explanations or reasoning or politeness or courtesy.

I understand completely why you and your H did what you did. It makes sense. And in a normal world it would be the right thing to do.

We do not live in the normal world. I am so sorry that trying to do the right thing ended up causing more issues for you.
((((Bionicgal)))) deep breath. It'll be okay.

[This message edited by TheAmazingWondertwin at 6:17 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

karmahappens posted 12/10/2013 06:30 AM

how unthreatened he should be at this point by my H

You are asking an awful lot from this BS.

It isn't the least bit fair to him.

Leave him alone and go NC, anything else is self serving, IMO.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 6:34 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

bionicgal posted 12/10/2013 06:35 AM

Oh thanks, WT. . . It is nice to not feel so crazy about it. I keep thinking, "am I in deep denial?" Do Mr. bionicgal and I really suck?"

I think our MC encouraged us to do it to empower me and so H could have the chance to act like a decent guy again. But, of course, AP doesn't want or can't see that, and like you say -- it is completely understandable.

At least we did get the info that they were functioning as a team.. . which I didn't think they would be. A dysfunctional team, but a team nonetheless. That does actually make me feel better, but I am sorry for additional, unnecessary pain that spouse of AP is carrying, worrying about my H's current motives. I know I'd love to be relieved from that speculation, myself, about his wife. If she had contacted me and sincerely apologized for trawling his linkedin page, I like to think i'd have been appreciative, instead of getting lies and deflections. But, maybe not.

But, I get it. NC. And the point about it being self-serving is well taken.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 6:49 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

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