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Newest Member: ConfidentJayne (61852)

User Topic: helping our spouses with triggers
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've known about this for a while, but thought it might be helpful to post for others. For instance, my AP made me a snowman and my husband hates that so I threw away every snowman looking or related ornament I have....(I copied and pasted this from somewhere else)

She (Spring) states that genuine forgiveness requires a "TRANSFER OF VIGILANCE." That is that the responsibility for being aware of the hurt shifts from the hurt person to the offender.

When someone experiences a trauma, their brain becomes more sensitized to the hurtful event and it's properties. For example, I hate snakes as a result of several terrifying experiences as a child. Unfortunately, throughout the years my brain has become hypersensitized to snakes. I now have a startle response when I stumble across a garden hose in the grass. In psychoneurology, this is called the "kindling effect."

After a hurt, the brain is like kindling wood--it only takes a small flame to ignite a big fire. Any sign of danger becomes the spark that lights up the brain by broadcasting "Danger! Danger! Danger!" Any event similar to the hurtful event triggers the alarm and the reactive behaviours!

With genuine forgiveness, the offender takes on the role of attending to the perceived or real danger. The offender becomes vigilant--on guard and protectively watching--to any way in which their hurt partner maybe reactive to any number of signals that remind them of the traumatic event.

For example, say you had an affair. Your partner discovered you and your lover went to Cuba together (rather than the business trip you said it was). You would imagine that any mention of Cuba (in a song, in a movie, on a billboard, etc.) would remind her of the affair.

Transfer of vigilance means rather than "hope she doesn't notice" or rather than denying or minimizing the event when she is upset, you take action. You inquire how she is feeling, apologize again for the hurt you caused, and ask her how you could make it better.

Rather than requiring her to be responsible for attending to her emotion (to not bother you with it, to calm down, to "get over it"), you would be the one to pay attention to her suffering and to hold yourself responsible for it. From there, healing will proceed much more quickly and there can be genuine repair to the hurt.

You might say, "Sweetheart, I notice you're quiet again and you seem sad/angry/hurt. I'm sorry that the movie we're watching is filmed in Cuba. That must hurt you all over again. I want you to know I am so very sorry for hurting you with the affair. It will never happen again. I want us to be together and to work this through. I want to earn your trust again and for your hurt to end. What can I do to make this better right now?"

[This message edited by rachelc at 10:04 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

Posts: 7613 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♂ 32693
Member # 32693
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well stated! Great way of explaining what a WS can do to help with the healing process.

Her-Unremorseful, Wayward ex wife
Me-No longer a betrayed husband
Happily remarried.

"Even a dead fish will go with the flow. Don't be a dead fish." - my pastor.

Posts: 684 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: between Oz and Wonderland
♀ 30242
Member # 30242
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A nice timely reminder for me right now. December is hugely trigger-filled for my BH. While my affair was about a year long so there are no 'affair free' months, this month was when things really kicked up in intensity and frequency. I've been trying to stay vigilant with my response to the triggers, but this was a good read for me this week. Certain things this month have really intensified the triggers which has not been helping, but I am trying and remaining open and fully honest with him as we work through this month and the coming months.

Me: WW
Him: BH

"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you."
John Green

Posts: 882 | Registered: Nov 2010
♀ 37190
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BW, wow the power this would have. Great post, WS's - this is great advice!

Me - BS original Dday 10-2012, separated June 2014, divorce Fall 2016

Grief, loss and pain taunt her - "you will never be the same." Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, she rises and spreads her new wings as she brushes off the ashes an

Posts: 772 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Out of the ashes
♂ 41311
Member # 41311
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Timely post
I screwed up again . after a recent trigger, i had the audacity to ask my W what i did now and what was the trigger!!! Obviously i was referring to the immediate present .
- Frigging dumb ass!

Transfer of Vigilance - i like it. Thank you.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Hell
Topic Posts: 5

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