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tess0908 posted 12/9/2013 13:21 PM

I've read how a revenge affair isn't as satisfying to the betrayed spouse as it was to the wayward spouse. I know it would make my marriage inoperable and would go against my morals and blah, blah, blah.

I'm not saying I would actively seek out an affair partner. I know I'm just angry and want to make myself feel better by feeling wanted by someone, and by feeling that "in love" feeling that he was able to experience with his mistress.

Yet, I'm compelled to go out and have fun. For example, there is a Christmas party coming up that I want to attend without him. If someone were to take interest in me, and he was attractive and funny and smart, I would want to flirt and have fun. I want to be in situations where I can flirt with other people, regardless of whether or not it turned into more.

I don't really have any questions about this, just wanted to know if any of you have had experiences (good or bad or indifferent) with feelings of entitlement or vindictiveness.

Lola7 posted 12/9/2013 13:27 PM

Not yet. Right now the idea of being with ANYBODY causes more anxiety than I can deal with. I'd rather have a root canal.

Lostandpregnant posted 12/9/2013 13:43 PM

LOL, What Lola said.
I'm too repulsed, but if your marriage is over, go have fun if you're able.

LostSamurai posted 12/9/2013 13:44 PM

Not really, my idea of revenge...

Now is a good chance for me to look like the great spouse I can be and she can look bad to everyone for what she has done.

I too feel that I want someone to come and just take these feelings away that I am feeling. In fact, there is a woman at work I told my wife about who has been making somewhat almost passes at me.

As part of trying to get us back, I decided to be open and honest with her about it and now she says...she's jealous. I mention one woman after her affair now she is jealous, but what is she doing to keep me around...absolutely nothing.

cl131716 posted 12/9/2013 13:55 PM

As I always tell my WH I do not have time for that mess! It would just add more drama to my life. I see no point in it.

sisoon posted 12/9/2013 14:10 PM

You've been traumatized, so all sorts of thoughts - effective, ineffective, lousy, great, healthy, unhealthy - will naturally go through your head. Thinking of an RA is well within the range of normality.

But you've got to be effed up to think cheating will solve anything, and if you cheat, you're going to have to deal with that.

Besides, what would be proper revenge for you? For me, I would have had to cheat with a man or with a woman I found unattractive. They always affair down. That's no fun at all....

Crushed1 posted 12/9/2013 14:14 PM

A 'revenge A' will never be satisfying (nor the same as what your ws did), because it is based on 'revenge' and that's a huge difference. There have been numerous people here at SI who did just that and all said it made them feel like crap. Maybe it won't make you feel like that?

I have never had feelings of entitlement and I've never cheated on my H. However, he is loaded to the max with feelings of entitlement, he even told me that was one of the reasons he cheated, because guys at his job told him 'he was entitled to do whatever he wanted to because he worked'. I worked two paying jobs and never felt that it entitled me to anything but a paycheck.

The best revenge is living well. If you cheat on your H, won't that make you the same as him???

Undefinabl3 posted 12/9/2013 14:31 PM

Each situation is a special kind of hell, but trust me when I tell you that 2 wrongs don't make a right, they make a horribly confusing, emotionally exhausting, and just down right poor way to go.

Please don't let your broken WS turn you into a broken WS too.

Having someone tell you that you are sexy, that you are nice, and sweet and kind is nice. Believe me i get that.

But dropping your morals, your good choice making ability, and your pride just for a few kind words from a stranger you don't know is not worth it if you are thinking of R'ing.

If you are truely done, then do the next guy a favor, and heal yourself before you get involved with another person. Get a divorce, get some IC and really get your feet on the ground before someone tries to sweep you off of them again.

Uhtred posted 12/9/2013 14:45 PM

You know this is something that enters my mind each and everyday. Except I wouldn't "affair down" I'd shoot for the moon. I know it won't make me feel better but the revenge sounds so sweet.

Last year while I was hunting I had the chance to have a ONS with an all too willing slut. I didn't even entertain the idea but it definitely could've happened. Meanwhile my wife was sleeping with her partner while I was away. I begged her so many times to come with me but got turned down. Now I know why and now I regret my faithfulness to her. At least my honor is still intact.

JanaGreen posted 12/9/2013 14:50 PM

Mmmm, I don't know. Last year my husband had filed for divorce. I didn't go out and meet someone, but I did want to feel attractive, wanted, desired - so I joined an online dating site. Very quickly I found that I could get more attention than I really wanted, and honestly it made me feel like shit. Mostly because one of the people I ended up talking with seemed like a nice person, and I was completely using him to make myself feel better. And I did the same thing with an old friend of mine who'd always liked me - let him pay attention to me and shower me with compliments to stroke my ego. I just feel like it's wrong to use another person to get my needs met, and that's what I was doing. I didn't feel attractive or desirable, I just felt selfish, so I stopped that behavior.

StillLivin posted 12/9/2013 15:08 PM

Nope, couldn't do that to myself. Why make myself a slut like he is?
But, if I were to say invite a gorgeous old friend down and conveniently have him at the house while STBXH was picking up the rest of his Hefty bags. And.....he assumed I was dating my old friend, the one who is even better looking than STBXH and still has all of his hair, and doesn't have that over 40 paunch yet.
Well, is it my fault if he jumps to conclusions that aren't true.
I know he would be jealous, but I think he'd also be more shamed that I "affaired" so far up compared to him.
This old friend is someone I could've messed with back in the day. He was definitely intersted and STBXH knows this. All of these years, he has made it clear I can still talk to him in passing, but I wasn't allowed to have a friendship anymore.

cancuncrushed posted 12/9/2013 15:22 PM

Never. Sex has never been casual for me. My feelings would be hurt again. I would feel dumped again, and not good enough again. I could try to convience myself, I used them. BUt when they never call you back, its kind of hard to fool yourself. Do you remember how hard dating really was? It was hard to find a nice guy. ANd jerks were the ones eager and flirting. ANd it was tempting , due to loneliness. Real revenge for me is to walk away, and find a wonderful close and meaningful relationship....... In my case, I would never date again. Been let down too many times in my life time. I am not sure life long love exists. ANd I am tired of the starting and stopping.

ShockedErica11 posted 12/9/2013 15:34 PM

But you've got to be effed up to think cheating will solve anything, and if you cheat, you're going to have to deal with that.

Sometime ago, this statement would've offended me, but it doesn't now because it's very true. Coming from a situation where WH cheated and then I cheated, yeah, no. You don't want to do that.Or even entertain thoughts of it really, even though that's going to occur.

It puts your mindset into a very slippery slope of trying to figure out/justify/change/destroy your own morals to do the mental gymnastics to actually BE that vindictive.

Yes, I felt that way. Yes, I wanted him to hurt immensely. Yes, I wanted to dig my proverbial boot into his crotch and make him beg for mercy. Did it work? I don't think so. I don't know what the hell is going on with our relationship at all.

It hurts the relationship, yourself and even your WS.

plainpain posted 12/9/2013 15:47 PM

Absolutely normal to think about it. I've definitely felt entitlement and vindictiveness, rage, wrath, vengeance... all of it. I thought about an RA - it still crosses my mind on very bad days. 'Somebody sweep me up and take me away from all this! Somebody make this pain go away! Somebody make me feel wanted!'

My WH told me from the beginning that he would forgive me and that he would understand. I'm on this side of it, and I know better - he would not understand, and forgiveness would be a lot more difficult than he ever imagined. It's the same lie that my H fell for... you don't fix your problems or the hole in yourself by trying to get validated by other people. It doesn't work. You don't need some strange man or his penis to prove to you that you are beautiful, that you are precious, that you did not deserve to be cheated on, that your WH is a selfish asshole.

As of today, I have honored my side of my marriage vows. I still have the 'upper hand', and some days that actually means something to me. I can ask for what I need, and I don't have to hear or accept, 'Well, you can't have it because you did blah blah blah'. If the day comes that I no longer want to work on my marriage, I hope that I will have more courage and integrity than my H had, and end it before moving on to someone else.

Just take care of yourself. You are in for a long up and down journey, and you will feel every range of emotion.

justjim posted 12/9/2013 16:31 PM


I'll wait until I find that someone who is the person that I once thought she was... and I may not find them.

I may not find them because I have now built a 50 foot tall 10 foot thick concrete wall, topped with broken glass and electrified concertina wire around my heart.

Oh, and there is a moat.

Full of alligators.

Who have AIDS.

So it ain't looking good for the home team.

Lola7 posted 12/9/2013 17:00 PM


There's now way I'd be mentally equipped for a revenge lay. I'd either end up falling for the guy because my self-esteem is shot, or I'd tear him to pieces.

Right now, my lady parts have a "closed for the season" sign hanging up.

[This message edited by Lola7 at 5:01 PM, December 9th (Monday)]

unfound posted 12/9/2013 17:11 PM

I know I'm just angry and want to make myself feel better by feeling wanted by someone, and by feeling that "in love" feeling

This is almost verbatim what Mr Unfound said in the beginning as to why he had an affair. It didn't start out that he wanted to have an affair, just the "feel good" that came with the attention so he could ignore the anger/hurt/horrible he felt inside.


Why would you need someone else to make you feel good about yourself? The hurt, the pain, the anger... There are healthier ways to feel good, ways that don't make you what made you feel so shitty to begin with.

StillLivin posted 12/9/2013 17:16 PM

Right now, my lady parts have a "closed for the season" sign hanging up.

Lola7, yeah, this^^^
Jim, bwahahaha.
Sorry, t/j for a hot minute cuz that sheeet was funny!

Cupoftea posted 12/9/2013 19:39 PM

I like the moat of alligators. I'm safe on my air bed in my baby's room. No triggers. No chance of fun. No men. Not even a tv. No strange men to buy me a drink. No small talk.
I don't have the energy to be vindictive. I would just end up hurt again

Marathonwaseasy posted 12/10/2013 00:59 AM

No RA for me
We are in R

But I still can't believe he did this and didn't realise how much it would hurt me. And then I think I'd love him to really know...

But I wouldn't do a ONS with a stranger and the likely options I have in friends/acquaintances don't deserve to be dragged into my devastation.

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