"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

keepinghope posted 12/9/2013 14:10 PM

On DDay, I remember begging my husband to forgive me and stay with me. I remember months and months of putting up with verbal abuse, public humiliation, and loss of friends due to my husband wanting to publicize my actions to everyone we ran into. I put up with multiple EA and rationalized that it wasn't a PA so not as bad as what I did. Things are better now, in fact they are much better. Yet, I just now am realizing I may want to call it quits.

Long story short, I feel like our marriage was never "we". It was two people who got married, but still led independent lives. I am emotional right now, so I don't want to do anything rash. It just basically boils down to me feeling as thougth I am not, nor have I ever been a priority for my BH. Admittedly we are both selfish, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty, he has never been there for me. The latest example is me calling 911 for my grandfather and riding with lifeflight to the hospital. I called my BH and woke him up to tell him what was going on. 12 hours later when I got home, he was sitting on the couch eating pizza. He didn't even come to the hospital. The next day I asked him to go with me to visit my grandpa and he told me he was going hunting. I told him that hurt my feelings and his response was "it's that time of year" (meaning hunting comes first during hunting season)

I feel like I have done everything I can, and given all I can give. Why should I keep trying, when he doesn't put in the effort?

[This message edited by keepinghope at 2:11 PM, December 9th (Monday)]

Darkness Falls posted 12/9/2013 16:30 PM

Everyone has their own breaking point. You will know when you've had enough.

Have you ever read "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay"?

keepinghope posted 12/9/2013 21:09 PM

I haven't read that one. Thank you, I will read it!

sad34 posted 12/9/2013 22:29 PM

If being a priority to your BS is incredibly important to u, then u might have to call it quits. It doesn't look like u have kids, and u r quite young.
U will always harbour resentment. Do u want to b 50 and feel this same way, when there is possible happiness out there for u?
If he was like this pre a, then I don't think he will change. If this is a result of the "a" then there might b hope.

Jrazz posted 12/9/2013 22:48 PM

I'm not trying to talk you in or out of anything, but is there a "Pros" list, here?

The question on so many BS's minds is, "If you were so miserable, why didn't you just leave?"

If the WS answers, "Because I'm broken. I love you and I want to be here." then you have something to work with.

You are entitled to be unhappy in the relationship, but if it's that bad then you have the right to end it. Ending it can be healthier than falling into bad coping mechanisms, and you will keep your sense of honor.

If you don't want to be there anymore - you don't have to be. Just be honest with yourself and with him and you'll be doing the right thing.

Sending strength.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 10:49 PM, December 9th (Monday)]

confetticheck posted 12/9/2013 23:42 PM

It seems to me that the bedrock of our relationships is how we get along before we are married, and then after marriage, before we have children. After that there is no turning back, we are forever attached to our spouse.

I think Jrazz has given you excellent advice.

Peace to you.

keepinghope posted 12/10/2013 12:50 PM

I know I have said the exact phrase of I'm broken, I love you, I want to work things out. I do love him.... But when asked to list the pros, I find myself drawing a blank

Darkness Falls posted 12/10/2013 13:52 PM

Some people think the FWS has "lost the right" to end the marriage after they cheated and their BS has offered a chance to R. I think that's crap. I am pro-R and pro-M when it's healthy for both spouses, but I think each party always retains the right to call it quits at any time. JMO.

stupidgurl posted 12/10/2013 22:55 PM

Does he know you don't feel like you are a priority?

Maybe he is oblivious to his selfishness, and if only he knew he might change, my husband is trying to change, he wavers back and forth from his old ways to being more attentive. So, right now my H is into his own life. Understandable due to the flurry of activity in his life at the moment. I feel like the last thing on his mind. I told him this morning I feel neglected, and you know what, he visited me at work and called me twice, just cuz I told him how I felt. It is worth a try? I wish you good results!!

keepinghope posted 12/11/2013 15:32 PM

Yes, my spouse knows I don't feel like a priority. He is the type of spouse that when I say how I feel or that I am upset, the response is "i can't help how you feel," or " How aren't you a priority, I married you." I think it is a blocking mechanism for him to avoid conflict. He refuses to continue MC, so now i just find myself frustrated. I don't want to be frustrated when I make a decision. I want to be thinking clearly, and know that I 100% want to ask for a divorce.

MissesJai posted 12/11/2013 17:17 PM

I think it is a blocking mechanism for him to avoid conflict

Absolutely, without question and that is not acceptable, especially when attempting to R. Seems to me his actions are matching his words - you aren't a priority to him because if you were, he wouldn't say this

I can't help how you feel

instead he'd acknowledge your feelings and ask how he can help.

It's been 2 years - how long can you live like this? Do you believe you deserve more?

[This message edited by MissesJai at 5:17 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

keepinghope posted 12/11/2013 21:05 PM

I am not sure if I deserve better...not as in I deserve to be treated poorly, but with my background and IC has made me realize that I can be dramatic. Times like now is when I get confused, like am I being dramatic??? Maybe it's not that bad??? Ugh back to IC I go

MissesJai posted 12/12/2013 10:24 AM

Well, only you know whether or not you're being dramatic but given what you've shared, I'd say no, you're not being dramatic. Your concerns are valid.

AlexFL posted 12/12/2013 21:50 PM

I'm sorry but it sounds like you are making excuses for your affair. If you felt that the marriage was so bad you say "honey, I want a divorce". U do not have an affair. It kills the other person emotionally. He was verbally abusing you cause he was traumatized & betrayed. I try to read the other point of view to find so e peace for my ow. Situation. What an affair stems from is the WS being too passive to get out of the marriage. End of story. Speak up. Say you aren't satisfied. Give us a fair shot to discuss before you ruin our self esteem and out security.

Facing the Light posted 12/13/2013 04:52 AM

OMG... you and I have way to much in common... I just had a 'discussion' with BH tonight which turned ugly... and it was exactly that which you said... I told him I did not feel like I was important or a priority and he basically told me I was right. I just want to puke and run so far away... but I have kids, so I stay put... definitely too good to leave, too bad to stay... In my situation, I do not know what I am going to do, so I cannot even offer any advise... just stay strong and do what is right for you.

keepinghope posted 12/13/2013 13:56 PM

yikes, I'm sorry if it seems like I was making excuses for my affair. I guess I am saying that I feel like I have tried everything, and put up with abuse and I am still not a priority. Yes, of course I should have spoken up instead of having an affair. What I am posting about now is considering leaving my spouse. I don't want to have an affair, and I don't want to be treated like crap. I feel lost and don't know what to do, so I turned here for support.

MissesJai posted 12/13/2013 17:03 PM

it sounds like you are making excuses for your affair.

I don't see that at all in her post.

Darkness Falls posted 12/13/2013 18:14 PM

I don't see excuses either. I see someone who has recognized her destructive choice in having the affair and who is trying to decide whether leaving her marriage is a less destructive choice than staying, as the marriage currently is. I don't see excuses at all.

sad34 posted 12/14/2013 10:47 AM

I don't c excuses either