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Why should my BS stay?

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Scorpio2310 posted 12/9/2013 14:11 PM

My BS just asked me quite possibly the hardest question I have ever had to answer... Why should she stay with me? I'm not sure how to answer that question. I don't know where to even where to start forming an answer.

pointofnoreturn posted 12/9/2013 14:41 PM

I ask myself that question all the time. Why put up with any further pain from me? Why not let me go, and find someone 100 times better than me?

I can't speak for her, but I'm assuming she loves you, somewhere inside. Her love, while it may not show through all her hurt and pain right now, is probably the sole reason why your ass isn't on the curb right now.

You can't answer this question, however. Right now, she's been given 1000 reasons to just leave. It's hard knowing any positive qualities in you have been overshadowed by this one major blow.

I guess all you can say is something along the lines of, "I don't know myself. I can only imagine what you may be wondering, and you have every right and reason to leave me. But, if you stay, I promise to you to work hard on us to save this marriage." And you know, following through with it via actions, of course.

I'm sorry, I don't know if this helped much.

Marathonwaseasy posted 12/9/2013 15:07 PM

A truly remorseful WS can be instrumental in helping a BS heal. It seems crazy that my fwh is the one who has wounded me but he is the best equipped to heal me. (Now the fog has gone and he's got his head out of his ass)

meplusfour posted 12/9/2013 15:52 PM

BS here. This is what I wanted to hear:

"No one would blame you if you decided to leave. If that is what you need, I will honour your wishes. But I am asking you to stay because I love and respect you. I know this sounds false. I am asking for a chance to show you how I am capable of changing and growing. I would like the opportunity to become the husband (and father) that you deserve, to show you the sincerity of my actions and how truly remorseful I am. I am truly remorseful about the pain, anger, hurt and humiliation I have caused you. I wish I could change the past, but I cannot. The only thing I can promise is that I can and will create a better future for us. I am begging you for a chance to show you that I am better than I have been in the past."

Then you live up to your words. To start, NC with your OW, total transparency, full disclosure. Read books, go to IC, go to MC, listen to your BS, and show through your actions, words and patience that you are deserving of the chance to R. You dig deep and deal with the issues that let to your A. And when you find that you are losing patience, or thinking that your BS should be through this by now, you remember how lucky you are to have been given the chance to be with your BS and how much worse your life could be.

Sorry if this is a little harsh.

[This message edited by meplusfour at 3:53 PM, December 9th (Monday)]

stunnedin12 posted 12/9/2013 16:16 PM

"No one would blame you if you decided to leave. If that is what you need, I will honour your wishes. But I am asking you to stay because I love and respect you. I know this sounds false. I am asking for a chance to show you how I am capable of changing and growing. I would like the opportunity to become the husband (and father) that you deserve, to show you the sincerity of my actions and how truly remorseful I am. I am truly remorseful about the pain, anger, hurt and humiliation I have caused you. I wish I could change the past, but I cannot. The only thing I can promise is that I can and will create a better future for us. I am begging you for a chance to show you that I am better than I have been in the past."

Then you live up to your words. To start, NC with your OW, total transparency, full disclosure. Read books, go to IC, go to MC, listen to your BS, and show through your actions, words and patience that you are deserving of the chance to R. You dig deep and deal with the issues that let to your A. And when you find that you are losing patience, or thinking that your BS should be through this by now, you remember how lucky you are to have been given the chance to be with your BS and how much worse your life could be.

This - in spades.

In a perfect world, wh would then (daily) let me know he appreciated me being in his life. (That could be my vengeful side showing).

Athene posted 12/9/2013 23:35 PM

BS here.

My WH often asks me why I stay and it angers me so much when he asks me this.
I find it very insulting.
I stay because of my love for him.
I stay because of my capacity for compassion, empathy, love, hope and possibly forgiveness.

It angers me when he asks this because he is expecting me to hold his hand and reassure him of my love for him. He should see the pain I am in and am willing to endure for him and to work on our marriage. Not repeatedly 2nd guess my intent/commitment/love. That just hurts me more.

It would be so much easier to leave.
I am lucky enough to be able to support myself financially and have a strong support system should we separate or divorce. My IC has also led me to realize that I am whole all by myself and I will survive, life will go on and maybe even be better.

I stay because when I gave my heart, I gave it completely. I did have unconditional love. I stay because I don't run from my commitments and vows when things get hard.
I stay because I want to give a chance for my WH to be the man I thought he could be and he claims he wants to be. I stay because despite how messed up he is, there is still a possibility/hope of him someday really getting it and we could heal and have a wonderful and healthy marriage together.
I don't know if this is a ridiculous fantasy I've concocted or a seed I'm nurturing.
I don't know if I can forgive, trust or respect him again.
But I know I do love him and I have to give "us" that chance or I will always question if I gave up to easily/quickly.
I don't want to regret that I didn't give it my all.

I do find myself conflicted at times.
Our vows stated "for better or for worse". Wouldn't I be just as bad as him if I quit when things are hard and not to my liking? I was so upset that he gave up on us and went on to do all the things he did. I don't want to be like him and break my vows without giving it all I have to try to fix this marriage.
However, I will not stay "until death do us part" if things don't get better. I guess if things don't work out, I will have to think that the "death" that parts us will be the death of our marriage.

Athene posted 12/9/2013 23:38 PM

Oh - and ME+4 has it so spot on!!
I wish my WH would read that post and understand that's what I really need.

[This message edited by Athene at 11:38 PM, December 9th (Monday)]

watersofavalon posted 12/10/2013 09:14 AM

As a BS I will tell that I stayed because I wanted to. Bottom line. I wanted to continue our marriage. So did my WS.

Assuming that that is what you both want you start from there. We looked for reasons to stay instead of reasons to leave, and over the months and months since dday there has been many more of the former than the latter. Then you work on the reasons to leave until they fade or become reasons to stay.

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