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scream posted 12/9/2013 16:52 PM

Teach and I have really been having a hard time. Teach feels like she is still missing pieces of my A. And in a lot of ways she is. It started long ago and was off and on over 7 years or so. That in itself makes me sick. But I try and remember things. And want to so she can have all the pieces so she can really heal. I write in a journal. When alone at work and have the time I try and remember things. Just really struggling.

Not sure if I'm blocking or just can't remember? My memory is strange. As I can remember things from my childhood or from movies or whatever...but can barely remember what I did yesterday. Any WS or BS that has gone through or dealing please advice needed. I'm thinking a brick...any WS from an LTA would really like to here from.

sad34 posted 12/9/2013 22:05 PM

Is loss of memory a side affect of your anti depressants? If not there r herbal remedies or healthy eating that can help with memory loss.
If that's not the case, do you have memories of u and teach? Can u think back over the last 7 years and pull out those memories? If yes, then it's not your memory. It's your disgust over what u did, it's how u destroyed teaches life. U have altered your family forever.
Picture a death in the family or a really bad car wreck. Would u want to remember those details? Of course not. U try and bury it deep.
The thing that us BS just don't get about u LTA spouses. Is thst u chose to do it every step of the way. U lied, manipulated. Chose them over us over and over and yet on dday u r so upset and throw out "I don't knows" over and over.
U destroy us then drive us insane.
Best advice I was given when I asked the same question but it was of course regarding my WS.
If teach asks u a question. Don't try and remember every detail. U get flustered and give up. U can try and walk yourself through her question and quite often the memoris flood back. I will explain;
I would ask my wh "what did u guys do at her place before having sex." He would say "I don't know". So walking through it is like. Ok I would knock on her door, she would open it then we would kiss hello. Then I wood walk to the couch, etc etc. things start to come back. So don't try to go straight to the answer, walk yourself through it.
I can't explain the importance of it, I can't explain the importance of never saying I don't know " again. I could just kill u guys for that. WTF! Just say something, just explain something.
Pls pls just try harder.

[This message edited by sad34 at 10:06 PM, December 9th (Monday)]

scream posted 12/10/2013 08:09 AM

Thanks. Don't think its from any meds. My memory has never been all that great. But its been almost a year and a half and even walking though it doesn't help. Teach has asked me many times to tell her about stuff her and I have done in our marriage and a lot of that I can't bring to mind. I'm so fucking frustrated.

Kelany posted 12/10/2013 08:13 AM

Did you drink a lot during the A year's? That can hurt the memory.

So does compartmentalizing.

Have you done a timeline? Can you work on one? Take your time with it?

scream posted 12/10/2013 09:17 AM

No...I'm not a drinker. Did get hammered at a wedding we went to. And that was the first time in 10 12 years. And not since. I really want to remember. I want her to heal. She does have everything I could give her. Even stuff I never thought I would be able to give her. Some very painfull things. But at this point I just want to help her. Maybe a brick would help?

Kelany posted 12/10/2013 09:37 AM

Have you done a timeline? Really given the time to do one? If not, do so, please.

Neznayou posted 1/10/2014 01:51 AM

I've sketched out a timeline, but my Husband asks more pointed questions about the events in the timeline. Like: "What did he (AP) say to you that made it okay for him to stick his tongue down your throat?" So much of it is a blur or non-existent in my mind. But then, there are a few things I can adamantly defend. How is he supposed to believe these blanks in my memory are real? I wasn't on meds; I wasn't stoned, high or drunk. I was depressed and emotionally broken. I can visualize walking in the front door of his house, but then it all runs together in my mind.

Jovie posted 1/10/2014 08:03 AM

Mine wasn't a LTA but I would think it's normal to block parts of it out if its caused so much trauma in your life. Plus 7 years is a long time. I wouldn't be able to remember details from my life over that period of time. Sorry I don't have better advice, just sympathy. :(

Prayingforhope posted 1/10/2014 11:45 AM

Scream, I was also in an LTA on and off for 6 years and here's the details my BS has from me.

BTW I have NO IDEA if over the long haul this will help her process, because from my view, every detail, EVERY DETAILED ANSWER I provide to her questions feels like I am putting yet another knife in her back, BUT she wants details, she asked VERY detailed questions and every BS on this site tells me to lay it all for better or worse, I did.

1) We did a complete timeline (which was TOUGH over 6 years because at that level of granular detail, I really don't know what I did on THAT weekend in 2009, etc.

2) I provided 6 years of travel details - every single airplane I have been on for the past 6 years (My LTA was outside the city where we live)

3) We did an expense sheet. A list of everything I ever bought during the A - gifts, meals, etc.

4) My BS, as part of me handing over my email accounts in a WS "panic to be transparent" was able to recover a complete year+ of emails between the OW and me. This alone was hundreds of communications with painful detail after painful detail - planning, dirty messages, caring little notes - you name it, she has it, since it was the primary account where I communicated with the OW.

5) Multiple Q&A sessions between BS and me where she would just rattle off questions - SCARY DETAILED QUESTIONS - about everything - sex, conversations, locations, clothes, etc. You name it, she asked it and I tried to answer it. I forced myself to go slow because every time I answered to quick or forgot something she told me it felt like more lying.

6) Full account access to everything, so SKYPE history, phones history, IM history, etc. on top.

Again, every one of the above items felt counter-intuitive. As a WS, it felt like I as hurting her MORE by going through all of the above. Time will tell, but I believe what I read and it is supposed to help.

We're now separated and having NC but I assume there will be a moment in the future - IF we talk again - where she may have more questions as part of her healing. I remind her through letters than I am always here to talk if she wants.

Hope it helps you because I have no idea if it's helping me...

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