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Newest Member: Brokeninnm38 (61788)

User Topic: Deja vu and learning from the past
♀ 25144
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today Mr. HBH learned his branch might be shutting down, and his only hope for working for them is transferring to another part of the country. We bought a house last year, and can't just pick up and move at a moment's notice. He has already put in his resume to a different local company (new for him...he is always loyal to his employer to a fault) but if he doesn't find a local job, he will have to go wherever his company sends him. I am freaking out because this is exactly the scenario prior to his A.

When he came home for a few minutes to get some things I told him that if he transfers and leaves us behind, we have to finalize a post nup. I have been talking about this for years, but because he seems to be committed to fidelity I have put it off not wanting to unnecessarily spend thousands of dollars.

I also told him that the post nup has to give me primary custody of the children, because when he was in the A mindset he was willing to fight me for them, even if meant splitting them up. Right after he asked for the D he said our son could live with him and the girls could live with me. Later he admitted he would have fought to get full custody of all of them. Imagine our 4 children living in the OW's house with her 4 children. I was pretty devastated by what he did, suicidal actually. He may have gotten custody had he not come out of the fog, IDK.

I'm not convinced he is "fixed" enough to keep his commitment to our M and our family if he is away from us for an extended period of time.

To be clear, he is not being faithful because I am policing him. It is because living with us on a daily basis is a constant reminder of what is good in his life. I really believe he is a kind of "out of sight, out of mind" type of person. As I write this I think it is very sad.

He agreed to the post nup and child custody, saying it will never have to happen, because he is different and is going to remain faithful. He also said that he thinks he gave up on our M and started living like a bachelor the first time he had to live away because it hurt him to be away from us, and that rather than feel the pain, he adapted to the new lifestyle. I think that is true, because I have seen him do that in many different ways during our 23 year M. He is kind of like a chameleon.

I feel sick to my stomach. I told him I am not stupid, I learn from the past, and that I protect myself and our children. He said he understands and gave me a big hug before he went back to work.

If his branch closes, he might have to leave as soon as January 1. I am so scared. I want to cry and throw up.

Resources for R:
His Needs Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley
Love Busters, by Dr. Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband, by Reb Bradley

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Aug 2009
♀ 41401
Member # 41401
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, December 9th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh...your fears are understandable. At least he seems willing to do what he can to ease the strain. I will pray that he's able to find something so that it becomes a non-issue.

Me 47
WS 41
M=16 years

Posts: 131 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ 41166
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am so sorry you are facing this. I have no advice, just wanted to offer support. Hopefully, he will get another local job and this will work out well.

Me: BW 43 (39 at DDay 1)
FWH 43 (39 at DDay 1) (RibsInHerChest)
Together 23 yrs, M 20, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Massive TT due to poly: 1/4/2015 full blown EA/3 week PA
Didn't use condom, I got chlamydia.

Posts: 882 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ 25144
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your understanding and support ladycody and RipsInMyChest.

I hope and pray he can get a local job too. He works 70-80 hours a week. His old job let him work as many hours as he wanted to, so he did. I pray that God is making this happen so he can find a job where he works less hours for the same amount of money. Mr. HBH has never left a job for another job. Something always has to go terribly wrong with the first job, then he is unemployed while he is looking for something else. That has always been a point of contention in our M.

Resources for R:
His Needs Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley
Love Busters, by Dr. Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband, by Reb Bradley

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Aug 2009
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoo. . . I thought my husband worked a lot!
Let's hope he finds a better job, with fewer hours!

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 3521 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 5

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