If you and your spouse choose to R, the following resources will help you have a better, stronger marriage:
Today Mr. HBH learned his branch might be shutting down, and his only hope for working for them is transferring to another part of the country. We bought a house last year, and can't just pick up and move at a moment's notice. He has already put in his resume to a different local company (new for him...he is always loyal to his employer to a fault) but if he doesn't find a local job, he will have to go wherever his company sends him. I am freaking out because this is exactly the scenario prior to his A.
When he came home for a few minutes to get some things I told him that if he transfers and leaves us behind, we have to finalize a post nup. I have been talking about this for years, but because he seems to be committed to fidelity I have put it off not wanting to unnecessarily spend thousands of dollars.
I also told him that the post nup has to give me primary custody of the children, because when he was in the A mindset he was willing to fight me for them, even if meant splitting them up. Right after he asked for the D he said our son could live with him and the girls could live with me. Later he admitted he would have fought to get full custody of all of them. Imagine our 4 children living in the OW's house with her 4 children. I was pretty devastated by what he did, suicidal actually. He may have gotten custody had he not come out of the fog, IDK.
I'm not convinced he is "fixed" enough to keep his commitment to our M and our family if he is away from us for an extended period of time.
To be clear, he is not being faithful because I am policing him. It is because living with us on a daily basis is a constant reminder of what is good in his life. I really believe he is a kind of "out of sight, out of mind" type of person. As I write this I think it is very sad.
He agreed to the post nup and child custody, saying it will never have to happen, because he is different and is going to remain faithful. He also said that he thinks he gave up on our M and started living like a bachelor the first time he had to live away because it hurt him to be away from us, and that rather than feel the pain, he adapted to the new lifestyle. I think that is true, because I have seen him do that in many different ways during our 23 year M. He is kind of like a chameleon.
I feel sick to my stomach. I told him I am not stupid, I learn from the past, and that I protect myself and our children. He said he understands and gave me a big hug before he went back to work.
If his branch closes, he might have to leave as soon as January 1. I am so scared. I want to cry and throw up.
His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley
Love Busters by Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband by Reb Bradley