The next day she confronted me with a lie that I told early on in the affair. From this place in our marriage, there was nothing to lose in admitting to it. It was obvious and easy to own. It's something that, had I recalled it earlier, I would have freely admitted to. Instead, the very first thing I did was lie. I minimized and evaded and it was so pathetically obvious that I should be embarrassed for the poor quality of it. My wife called me a liar and walked away.
That was a crushing moment of realization for me. Quoting now from a note that I wrote her this afternoon.
There was a hard realization after that. I had nothing to lie about at that moment. All I did was add more pain to the situation. This moment told me that I am more invested in the idea of telling the truth than actually doing it. More invested in the idea of reconciliation that doing the hard things to make it happen. Keeping house and rejecting my APs and their lifestyle is easy when I’m at home all day and only feel negatively about them. Wanting to build something good with you is a self-rewarding task, even in the face of the difficulties. None of that is testing any reforms to my character. So what happens when an old lie comes up that I had forgotten about? I fail the test and do the wrong thing. For no reason at all, because there was no benefit in it and no protection. I was confronted with a past lie and, since I don’t want to be a liar, denied it. Idiotic.
There is more to the note, but this is the piece that I need to chew over tonight. The fact is, I'm a poseur. I can't just do something well, I have to be seen to do well. If I can't live up to the image that I have created, then I shore up the image rather than the reality. In this instance, I don't want to be a liar any more. When confronted with a lie for the first time in a while, instead of owning it, I tried to cover it up to preserve the image. Congratulations, that was a fast and easy way to destroy the fragile reconciliation that we have been working on. That isn't hyperbole. My wife was looking at what it would take to file for divorce and the only reason she didn't call an attorney is because of her student debt load. I stomped all over the early beginnings of hope by telling a pointless, transparent lie over nothing at all.
I had believed I was making progress, but my actions yesterday dispelled that illusion. I'm going to start writing things down. It's harder for me to self-delude when it's in front of me. If I put a falsehood down, it's right there, challenging.
I always have to get this right. No flash, all substance. It's going to be hard enough, there is no way that I can support image and reality. It always just has to be reality. There are a lot of years of habits to break.
Even if she does leave.
My WH never got to this point. It's a really hard thing to face and a hard thing to work through. You won't get it right straight away, but seeing it and owning it is really important. And...hard truth here...you may not get good enough at it, soon enough, to save your M (I hope you do, though) but KEEP GOING ANYWAY.
And you want to know why I know it's hard to face? I'm a BS, but I'm facing it too. I think most of us can relate to this in some way, if we're really honest with ourselves. It's a daily struggle not to let vanity lies takeover, but you only have to do it one day, one moment at a time.
Truth is so important. more important that egos, in M. But for some of us it takes the devastation of anA to really grasp that. And even then, some people still don't manage to get it. Don't be oneof them. Keep going.
Finally reached indifference & looking forward to my new beginning
I can't just do something well, I have to be seen to do well. If I can't live up to the image that I have created, then I shore up the image rather than the reality. In this instance, I don't want to be a liar any more. When confronted with a lie for the first time in a while, instead of owning it, I tried to cover it up to preserve the image.
This. It took me quite a while to recognize this. I actually discover this after I was fervently checking SI to see if someone praised my insight and thanked me for helping them. Talk about insecure. Keep up the hard work. But keep it up without the jones for praise. Stay centered and grounded.
Good for you.
[This message edited by SuperDuperWonderboy at 10:30 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]
My FWH came clean about the sex on DDay. I didn't have the poof for the sex, but he confessed to it, wanting to come clean. And did a bit of TT, but comparatively, was what you would call a model WH trying to become the man that we both thought he was. Open, transparent, accepting of my rage, comforting, seeing MC and IC all of the things that led me to believe that we were on the upper end of the bell curve.
Except for his lies about continued porn use. And hording. And private browsing sessions. All of which I found out and, which almost killed our marriage. I had forgiven him for the sex. I still cannot forgive him for the lies. We've been back together now, since our in-house separation and my consultation with my lawyer, for only a couple of months. Our bond is still fragile. I don't think that it can survive another lie. I love him dearly, but these lies have taught me that I can live without him. There is a detachment to my love now. I know now, that I can choose to not love him and, if necessary, I can and will make that choice.
Don't be like this. Use your writing to break old habits, to challenge old ways of thinking. Give your truth to your wife, like you would give a fine diamond, as an offering of yourself to her. I guarantee that in the end, that gift of truth will be worth more than any physical thing that you could purchase.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I have more to ponder and will be back.
