We've been doing OK lately. More good days than bad and taking care of each other. Saturday was an outstandingly good day up until that night. My betrayed wife watched an episode of a television show that included a wedding. This reminded her of what our marriage was supposed to be like. Reminded her of what I took away from us.
A bit later, she asked me about why I didn't talk to her about the beginning incident with my AP with her. We always promised to talk to one another and be honest and I didn't do it - why not? It took me two hours to give her a simple and true answer.
The next day she confronted me with a lie that I told early on in the affair. From this place in our marriage, there was nothing to lose in admitting to it. It was obvious and easy to own. It's something that, had I recalled it earlier, I would have freely admitted to. Instead, the very first thing I did was lie. I minimized and evaded and it was so pathetically obvious that I should be embarrassed for the poor quality of it. My wife called me a liar and walked away.
That was a crushing moment of realization for me.
Quoting now from a note that I wrote her this afternoon.
There was a hard realization after that. I had nothing to lie about at that moment. All I did was add more pain to the situation. This moment told me that I am more invested in the idea of telling the truth than actually doing it. More invested in the idea of reconciliation that doing the hard things to make it happen. Keeping house and rejecting my APs and their lifestyle is easy when I’m at home all day and only feel negatively about them. Wanting to build something good with you is a self-rewarding task, even in the face of the difficulties. None of that is testing any reforms to my character. So what happens when an old lie comes up that I had forgotten about? I fail the test and do the wrong thing. For no reason at all, because there was no benefit in it and no protection. I was confronted with a past lie and, since I don’t want to be a liar, denied it. Idiotic.
There is more to the note, but this is the piece that I need to chew over tonight. The fact is, I'm a poseur. I can't just do something well, I have to be seen to do well. If I can't live up to the image that I have created, then I shore up the image rather than the reality. In this instance, I don't want to be a liar any more. When confronted with a lie for the first time in a while, instead of owning it, I tried to cover it up to preserve the image.
Congratulations, that was a fast and easy way to destroy the fragile reconciliation that we have been working on. That isn't hyperbole. My wife was looking at what it would take to file for divorce and the only reason she didn't call an attorney is because of her student debt load. I stomped all over the early beginnings of hope by telling a pointless, transparent lie over nothing at all.
I had believed I was making progress, but my actions yesterday dispelled that illusion. I'm going to start writing things down. It's harder for me to self-delude when it's in front of me. If I put a falsehood down, it's right there, challenging.
I always have to get this right. No flash, all substance. It's going to be hard enough, there is no way that I can support image and reality. It always just has to be reality. There are a lot of years of habits to break.