SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

PhoenixRisen posted 12/9/2013 21:08 PM

So I've gone out a few times with a man from OLD.
I like him. So far casual.... Still getting to know each other kind of thing (with a few snogging sessions thrown in, but nothing more)

I just asked how long he's been D he he confessed it's actually a legal separated (and about 4 years) but not D due to 401 fund issues.
Hmmm
Is this a red flag?

His OLD profile is D (so i wanted to check if he lied by seeing the other options. legal separation isn't there but plain separated. I was legally separated for a year prior to my own D so I know it involves legal paperwork & court filing which a plain separation doesn't so.,..
My thoughts are
1. I understand why he picked D on OLD (it seems closer to a legal separation, than a plain separation.
2. Basically, I'm okay with dating someone legal separation (my Mom had one instead if D for $ issues too)

But.....
Am I being gullible?
What are your thoughts?

[This message edited by PhoenixRisen at 11:14 PM, December 9th (Monday)]

inconnu posted 12/9/2013 21:15 PM

It could very well be he's telling the truth, but if I were you, I'd google the hell out of this guy and see what turns up. I would understand a legal separation for health insurance reasons, but because he and/or his not-legal-ex doesn't want to divide retirement money? Something doesn't quite add up there, imo.

roughroadahead posted 12/9/2013 22:01 PM

In my state, it doesn't make any difference financially whether you legal sep or D. Legal sep makes you ineligible for spousal health insurance as well. A qdro can be issued pursuant to a legal sep order and a D settlement can have each party retain their own retirement. I'm not saying all states are like that, but at the same time, it doesn't automatically make sense either.

I would google as much as you can, and also if it is a legal sep,it has a docket somewhere. Try googling the county domestic relations court where he or his former spouse live. You should be able to search it by name. If the court is really good, the documents will be online too. If it isn't online, you can call the court clerk, it's a public record once it has been filed with the court.

alphakitte posted 12/9/2013 22:50 PM

401k issues?

Doen't pass the smell test. A QDROmwould take care of that.

Ask him for a more detailed explanation as it's ONLY your heart that is at risk here!

Nature_Girl posted 12/9/2013 22:55 PM

That doesn't fly with me. Sorry.

alphakitte posted 12/9/2013 23:17 PM

It occurs to me that it might involve being fully vested in the 401k before the QDRO is entered and the D is final.

Regardless, you are due an explanation that is verifiable. This is nothing to be timid about and if he balks? Then something stinks. Especially considering he listed his status as D. I'm of the opinion that the staus "separated" on OLD means legally separated, not just living apart. mhe should have checked separated if he didn't intend to mislead. In my opinion he was trying to widen the net of women that would consider exploring his profile. Understandable? Sure. Acceptable? Nope! Shows he is inconsiderate.

PhoenixRisen posted 12/9/2013 23:26 PM

Alpha - what is a QDROm?

fireproof posted 12/9/2013 23:31 PM

I think I am after what I experience far less likely to invest in the slightly red flags.

Comes down to if it bothers you. You know if a situation such as this but does it work for you? For me a definite No.

There is never the whole truth but one's interpretation of the truth. There is no way to tell- maybe it is because of money so what is the end game with you. Will he ever be divorced? So what would be the point- why invest? If you are emotionally ok to handle it and it isn't exclusive then ok. But if you are looking long term at what point does it possibly become less about money and more about him wanting to stay married to his wife. He may not know. I guarantee you money will not keep someone tied unless they want to or choose to be.

Good luck but think about what you want.

fireproof posted 12/9/2013 23:34 PM

It is the actual process to sign over retirement accounts to the other party without penalty unless there is a withdrawal.

Most use it when in the settlement they are given their spouses 401k and need to change the owner of the 401k.

I am sure someone can explain it better.

SBB posted 12/10/2013 03:08 AM

IMO if it bothers you that he lied about being divorced then I don't think you need to convince yourself otherwise. The 'why' doesn't really matter.

Same goes if you think he's lying about being legally S. Have you been to his home?

It would bother me tha he misrepresented. Why not state Legally S?

I might be a hard-arse but I've sworn to never convince myself to settle for less. Never.again.

Bluebird26 posted 12/10/2013 06:08 AM

Might be a red flag, but only you can decide where your boundaries lie.

My guess is maybe he has used this status to increase his dating opportunities.

*Disclaimer* Now I haven't internet dated but I personally would steer clear of someone who is separated rather then divorced. I am a believer in sorting your previous relationship out first before moving on to the next one. Could this be a reason for him to lie about his status. Not excusing his lie though.

Helen of Troy posted 12/10/2013 08:08 AM

I'm not buying it.

trumanshow posted 12/10/2013 10:26 AM

Posted this earlier:

Is this always black and white? I'm still "separated" 2 1/2 years later because of legal/tax advisement. LLC is being dissolved, houses being sold, legal matters coming to an end-but it may be another year before I can push the paperwork through.
There's no emotional attachments, etc. After 5 years of this crap should I have to live like a nun or be viewed as risky because of HIS actions?

There ARE times when the divorce timeline isn't cut and dry. Those with only 1 house-who have a "normal" divorce can just do A-B-C. Others can't and there's not always a nefarious reason

Now-the lying is the problem. Maybe he's tired of being immediately discounted and judged-and clears it up upon meeting someone? Or do you think he's really hiding it?

libertyrocks posted 12/10/2013 10:31 AM

Hmm, what if the money is for the kids and not her??