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TattoodChinaDoll posted 12/9/2013 23:13 PM

I remember a moment a month before DDay when WH was asking me why I loved him. He was getting really upset because my answers weren't to his liking. I guess I wasn't stroking his ego enough like OW was. But of course she was never hurt by him like I had been in the past. So he was perfect to her. I was telling him that my reasons were difficult to explain. That I just knew deep down we were connected. That meant a lot to me (obviously not him) because to me that meant that deep down in our souls, we were one. I was telling him that. I was telling him that I could come up with the specific things. How he is intelligent...really really smart, he can figure anything out and I can trust that if something needs to get done that he will do it well, he is funny, we have the same sense of humor and he makes me laugh, we have the same beliefs (obviously not about fidelity), I can see something and my first thought is always to him because I know he'll get it, and that I find him sexy. He is my manly man. I felt safe in his arms. He is considerably taller than me and I loved being able to disappear in his embrace. I wish he believed me. I wish he would believe me now when I talk about consistency. When I tell him that it is difficult to believe progress and the good things that are said and done when other things being said and done are the polar opposites. That I was told I was loved, but I was cheated on. That I was told there wasn't any more, but there was always more. That I was told that he wouldn't hurt me anymore, but continues to. That when I tell him that he makes me feel worthless with his words and actions, that I'm not just making crap up. That when he says yet again that he won't hurt me and then expects me to drop the pain and give him another chance, I feel stupid for doing it, I fear what will happen, I want to put my foot down and say enough!, that I just want him to love me and I want it to be the truth. I wish he listened then and I wish he would listen now. I know I need to be strong enough with who I am...with or without him. I wish he listens when I tell him that I want it to be with him if he can be consistent.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 11:23 PM, December 9th (Monday)]

Marathonwaseasy posted 12/9/2013 23:45 PM

So hard isn't it?
I have spent years telling my fwh how and why I love him and he just didn't believe it until post dday when everything came crashing down and despite the devastation I was still here for him. Now he's so happy to be finally sure of my love (major FOO stuff. He's never believed he was loved by anyone and really apart from me hasn't been).
But at what cost to me?

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 12/10/2013 05:20 AM

Wow marathon and TCD- I didn't even realize it but you both have clarified something for me (that's why I love this site).

I have been trying, at different times throughout this, to explain how I spent 15 years showing my love and dedication to him and its only now, after he had a girlfriend for three months, that he is seeing it?
It's a little frustrating to say the least.
Words don't mean anything- I had words before.
Hell, sometimes actions don't mean anything- my H was always pretty great.
It's so hard sometimes when he talks about the now- or even the "then"-
I'm not upset with him- its just i dont know if i will ever fully believe him.
Apparently the million and one things that i did pre A were not enough to convince him of my love (FOO issues as well)-
How am I supposed to believe that now is any different?
Were we being tested to see if we REALLY love them?

Sorry- I didn't mean to tangent on your post.

Hugs to both of you- I have no answers, just letting you know that I understand.

Marathonwaseasy posted 12/10/2013 06:55 AM

I'm sure it wasn't a test in my case
But I guess it could be
In my case he was certifiably insane when it started (no genuinely this is not a vent about OW although if it wasn't the R forum I'd be tempted)
He was also deluded about how he wasn't actually ill and was very, very vulnerable - hence the affair
But not believing I love him was right from the start
He knows now. I love him unconditionally
But I am not with him unconditionally. He needs to do all he can to get well, never be unfaithful again no matter if he is sick, talk to me and not bury stuff, never see OW and continue to do everything he can to get me through.

Such a hard, hard lesson though.
How could they not see our love and yet be taken in by the "love" of an OW? WTF is that about.

By being too scared to be truly vulnerable to us they leave themselves vulnerable to a complete shitstorm of agony.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 12/10/2013 07:38 AM

Marathon your last few paragraphs were spot on. It's amazing the similarities for all of us.

Heavy sigh.

sisoon posted 12/10/2013 17:25 PM

Good to hear from you, TCD.

It's really hard for many of us to receive and accept the love we're given. It took me 40 years to accept that my W really did love me. (That was about 5 years before she cheated!) She never could accept the love that was given to her, though, I guess because she never loved herself.