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LiedtoLucy posted 12/9/2013 23:57 PM

My FWH was in a 4 year LTA SA & PA. D-day was 7 months ago. R started out very shaky, to say the least.. Things are going better now. My FWH is starting to see what he did to me. Still many issues to work through. I am still angry, seething lay angry about four years of lies. I am struggling mightily with putting the pieces of that four years together as it actually was instead of what I thought it to be.

My FIL has been very ill. He, my MIL and my FWH grandmother have been living with us. Grandma has Alzheimer's. My MIL has always watched our 3 DS's while we work. During the affair my FWH worked nights all the time. Of course sometimes he lied and spent the night with OW and others when he didn't make it home until 3 or 4 hours after his shift was over he lied to his mom about where he had been.

FWH still works nights half of the month. I have a terrible time with it. It is a trigger. He is working tonight and worked and slept the entire past weekend. I am here with his parents and 3 rambunctious boys. I LOVE his parents and I am glad they are here. They are more help than bother, but they don't know. I can tell they know something is wrong with me. Maybe they think I am just a moody emotional bitch and they didn't know before because they never lived with me. This is eating away at me. I feel like I want to tell my MIL. We are very close.

One problem with this is that there is a possible OC and depending on how that situation plays out I feel like she wouldn't agree to us having NC with OW and OC. She would want to see her grandchild.... And maybe she has aright to that... IDK.

SO...

1. Should I tell?

2. If I tell, should I leave out possibility of OC until after paternity?

3. If I tell, should I tell FWH that I am going to tell MIL beforehand? After? Not at all?

No one else knows except for my SIL..Who is also my boss and was with me when I found out. She has been very supportive and agrees with NC with OC.

I am not sure How FWH feels about his parents knowing. I know it will be painful. But, why I should I deal with the pain and keep his secret locked up tight? However, I don't want to hinder the R situation either even though there are days when I am still not sure if we are going to make it.

I appreciate any insight.

heforgotme posted 12/10/2013 00:11 AM

I am not sure How FWH feels about his parents knowing

I would find out. You guys need to be communicating as much as possible and obviously this is very relevant.

I'm a big "telling" person. It is kind of my soapbox. I think these things are allowed to flourish not just bc the parties involved want to keep it a secret, but bc the rest of us don't want to air our "dirty laundry".

I say honesty is the best policy. An OC is something the whole family will have to deal with. I think you guys should come clean and I think HE should be the one to do it. Otherwise it just looks like you are "tattling" on him.

Good luck.

confetticheck posted 12/10/2013 00:36 AM

I have to say that I did not want to tell my family. I only have so much guts. I did it mostly for her and I'm glad I did.
It took some air out of this big balloon that was between us and they didn't know was there.
I would not be unilateral about this. Talk first.
I wouldn't say anything about OC until I had the facts, but that's my opinion.

My family has acted like one thank God.
I'm sure yours is the same. They just want your family to be happy and will support you.

LiedtoLucy posted 12/10/2013 07:17 AM

Thanks for your responses.. bumping to get a few more opinions..

Kelany posted 12/10/2013 07:25 AM

I told both his and my family. I needed support. I'm a proponent of exposure. I feel that its helped that nothing is hidden. Its not my shame to carry and the support was absolutely astounding.

ladycody posted 12/10/2013 07:47 AM

I think if I were in your shoes...with my inlaws living with me and a great relationship with them...that I want to tell them...just so they could understand the dynamics of my newly gotten bi-polar mood swings and lack of focus in life. It doesn't have to be tattling...I would present it as you wanting them to understand why you are behaving differently...and does not need to incorporate finger pointing and angst on your part. Showing them just sadness and regret for what was lost without showing anger or finger pointing will allow them to feel your pain without thinking you're bashing him. As someone else mentioned...I would get your husband on board. Mine said he would prefer his family not know but understood if that was something I needed. I haven't told them...but they don't live with me either. Good luck....