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Is my "Trust but verify" going too far?

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No12turn2 posted 12/10/2013 08:02 AM

Iím not nearly as involved as I once was in snooping. Recently I started up again and found that she sent a text to OM #1. He never replied but that sent me back to square one. I guess it really shouldnít matter since we are getting a divorce, but I feel the urge to look. Last night I snuck the spare bedroom where she sleeps and grabbed her phone. I connected it to my laptop and ran Dr Fone on it. Mainly to see if he ever truly did reply or if she was involved with someone else. 10 minutes into my search, she came knocking on my door. I told her I hadnít gotten too far into the search and asked if there was anything I needed to know. She explained that her private diary notes are in there. I saw a few that had to do with OM#1 and she never talked that way about me. She also said there were some very private thoughts about me. I felt compelled to look and thought this might push me over the edge as far as D is concerned. I never did look at those notes.

Fast forward to her breaking down and crying, begging me to close that window and not read her private thoughts. She says she doesnít feel comfortable in our home and I am violating her privacy because Iím not finding anything. She also says she is paranoid and sleeps with a bell on her door so she can her me if I come in (didnít work). She drapes heavy curtains over the windows and changes in the closet because she feels like Iím capable of spying on her outside her room. Her feelings are a little exaggerated based on what I actually would do, but my question is when has it gone too far and should I back off? Does it even matter since she doesnít want to be with me?

No12turn2 posted 12/10/2013 08:03 AM

I feel so weak and don't know why I am compelled to even look.

[This message edited by No12turn2 at 8:03 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

karmahappens posted 12/10/2013 08:05 AM

It sucks, completely, but if you are divorcing I would stop looking.

It only hurts you more, feeds the crazy fire and makes things last forever.

Detach, start to go down a road on your own. Get IC and jump into healing.

Concentrate on saving YOU.


Kalliopeia posted 12/10/2013 08:07 AM

If you are not reconciling and are divorcing, then IMO you would be best doing 180 and attempting to detach.

There is a reason the lady is so paranoid. Either she really believes what she is saying or she is messing with your head.

Either way, it's a game you would probably feel better not engaging in.

Lola7 posted 12/10/2013 08:07 AM

If this divorce is really happening, personally I don't see a point in looking anymore.

My marriage is over too. I'm sure I could ask a million questions and get the gory details if I want, but I really don't want to know. What I do know is already plenty. Nothing I find out going forward is going to make me feel any better.

He can keep his lies and his bullshit to himself.

Kelany posted 12/10/2013 08:10 AM

You're divorcing. Stop looking, no new hurts.

Also, if you are separated she could use this against you in the divorce. That your stalking her, unstable, etc.

TrustGone posted 12/10/2013 08:13 AM

You need to start concentrating on yourself and leave her to her own devices. Continuing to try and find out more will no longer serve a purpose if she does not want R. The only thing you are accomplishing is hurting yourself. I know that is hard, especially if you are still sharing a home, but you really need to work on doing the 180 and helping yourself heal. (((HUGS)))

JanaGreen posted 12/10/2013 08:17 AM


I'm sorry, but if you're divorcing, you should stop looking. If she's waffling and saying that she wants to be with you one day and not sure the next, then I don't blame you for looking. If she's firm that she wants divorce, then let her be.

I'm sorry. This sucks.

Rainbows posted 12/10/2013 08:18 AM

I went through something similar after my first dday. There was just this compulsion for me to be a super snooper.

A friend of mine snapped me out of it and said if you don't want to find stuff, stop looking. So I did.

You already have some idea you'll find something, so don't go looking for it. Ultimately the damage you're doing to yourself far outweighs any information you'll find. You already have all the information you need.

It used to remind me of a character in the horror movie when you're like noooo don't open that door.

It would be different if you were actively in R.

[This message edited by Rainbows at 8:19 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

No12turn2 posted 12/10/2013 09:28 AM

Thanks for the solid advice. I figured everyone would agree. Just hard to imagine that she no longer loves me with the OM out of the question. I think I'm just in denial. Always assumed with him out of the way that things would be fine.

Ostrich80 posted 12/10/2013 09:37 AM

If your divorcing, snooping is self mutilation, imo. Just more pain your going to have. Im sorry, it must be so hard living under those conditions. Try to concentrate on you and your new future.

Tred posted 12/10/2013 09:39 AM

Always assumed with him out of the way that things would be fine.

Why? The problem isn't the OM - it's your WW. The AP is just a symptom of the WS's illness.

No12turn2 posted 12/10/2013 09:44 AM

I have no idea why I want her back. I have no clue why I act like a WS who is trying to win back the BS

JanaGreen posted 12/10/2013 09:50 AM

I have no idea why I want her back. I have no clue why I act like a WS who is trying to win back the BS

It's probably been the tone of your relationship all along. Have you tried implementing the 180? It'll help you detach and get stronger. Getting some emotional distance will do you a world of good.

Kierst13 posted 12/10/2013 09:52 AM

Also, if you are separated she could use this against you in the divorce. That your stalking her, unstable, etc.


It will not go well for you if she setup a nanny cam in *her* personal space and you are found snooping around, especially if you are going in while she is sleeping. If she is really changing in the closet, it could be she does so because she does not want to change on camera.

It sounds like somewhat of an in-house separation and you invading her personal space is probably a big no-no.

No12turn2 posted 12/10/2013 09:57 AM

I think I am unstable. I don't like who I have become. I was never like this at all before D-Day. I do have separation anxiety and I have been working on it in IC. I find myself doing stupid things that make no sense to me like checking her "toys" to see if they have moved from the specific placement I left them in. All because we haven't been physical since early August and I again am in denial that she just isn't in the mood. Truth is she isn't in the mood with me, but she claims to not want it from anyone. I'm borderline psycho here folks and I need some help. I don't want to lose my daughters because of my actions.

[This message edited by No12turn2 at 10:00 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

No12turn2 posted 12/10/2013 10:02 AM

I actually found myself listening at her door to see if I could hear her doing "alone time". I'm freaking sick

JanaGreen posted 12/10/2013 10:05 AM

I'm really sorry - I know this stuff will make you crazy, it is terrible.

Have you talked to your IC about your fears that you are losing control? Are you taking any medication? I've never taken anti-depressants or anxiety meds in my life before all this, but I did go on Pristiq for a while for anxiety attacks. It helped. A lot.

Is it necessary for you to both be in the house? Can she get an apartment, or can you? In house separation is hell.

No12turn2 posted 12/10/2013 10:07 AM

I have talked to my IC and I'm on both meds. In house was only supposed to be until she got a job. that was 3 weeks ago. I asked my lawyer to set up another hearing, but no word yet. Hopefully soon

No12turn2 posted 12/10/2013 10:21 AM

We had an MC session scheduled for tomorrow but we both were not excited to go. I'm thinking I want to go at least by myself to discuss my issues.

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