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Stick to what you say, and mean what you say

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Blameitontherain posted 12/10/2013 08:20 AM

This seems to be a problem in my marriage. we will have an agreement in place. I am all sunshine and smiles because I feel comfortable enough until the agreement is called into question by WH. Then it all falls apart.

WH is on a business trip. Before he left, I asked if we needed to go to mc to talk about this trip. He says no. I tell him I am uncomfortable with him going to bars. He says I understand and will not go. Wow. Easy peasy! I thought that it would be a struggle but it wasn't. His last business trip I said yes to bars and it didn't go so well. It was too much, too soon for me mentally. I was trying to let go of some of the control like mc said. There were also slip ups in the agreements for him going to bars. It wasn't a good combo and I just wanted to avoid any meltdowns.

Last night a text comes through about how all the guys are going to this bar to play beer pong and how he would really like to go with them. Oh and he is sorry to ask but he really wants to go out with them at least once. Oh and right now they were all driving together.
I sent back a text saying translation:
Even though we already have an agreement in place, I'd like to change it despite knowing how you feel. Oh and I am with the guys so there is no way for you to call me and you just have to sit with this.
Immediately I get a text saying never mind I will be at the hotel, sorry.
I texted back I just don't understand why a married man in his 30s with children wants to go play beer pong.

I get back your right like I said sorry for asking.

I then say I don't like being put in the situation of being the bad guy. In the past I think a lot of resentment has built up towards me because I am put into that position instead of you freely making the decision based on what's right for the family. No response from him.

Hours later I text and ask if he is mad about not going. He claims nope he is good. I say he hasn't called all day. In the past he has gone days sometimes a week without talking to me and only relied on texting to communicate. I feel texting is bonus communication but doesn't count as having a real conversation. He knows how important it is to me. I had a feeling despite him saying he was ok with not going to the bar that is was mad and part of why he hadn't called. I get a reply back of you have a call button too. It works both ways. (His job is not a normal 9-5 job. He keeps odd hours and is constantly in a group. I don't know when it is good to call and rely on him to make and find the time to call usually) I tell him I don't know his schedule. He says you can send a text asking if it was a good time to call. I replied I thought you would have at least called to talk to the kids. His reply wow your impossible to please. It's always my fault. This is bullshit.

I called him. Right away it was instant attitude about who's fault it was about lack of phone call. This wasn't about a phone call. He was pissed he couldn't go to a bar and it translated into not calling and then exploding when I said hey I haven't heard from you all day.

He goes off on how he can't even ask to change our agreements. It's an instant no. I don't compromise. I think he is going to go off and fuck someone and all he wants to do is build comroderie with his guys.
I say what about our agreement? If you say you will do something, do it. Don't try and change the rules. Mean what you say. I see it as the agreement with your wife doesn't mean as much as you wanting to go out with the guys otherwise you would not have asked. It hurts to know that it is more important to go out with them then to help me feel safe. And then you get angry at me for saying no. Who are you really angry at? Me or yourself for putting our marriage in this situation? I got no reply to that question. Just more anger and I will always doubt him, nothing is ever good enough, etc.

I don't know if I am looking for advice or to vent. I honestly don't know, I just feel disappointed yet again. I don't feel important. I was not a priority in the marriage for years. I didn't matter, the kids didn't either. And then add an affair on top of those feelings and this small fight makes me feel like I am right back to not a priority.

Blameitontherain posted 12/10/2013 08:26 AM

Just wanted to add I am grateful he asked and didn't just go. I wish though he could have some empathy and compassion for me and be graceful when I am not agreeable to changing it. The anger is what gets me.

bionicgal posted 12/10/2013 11:42 AM

I get it, and I am not super supportive of your H, sorry.

My H travels, and while he goes out to dinner with clients and co-workers, the "party later" stuff is not something he has ever partaken in. And you know what, he has excelled and succeeded and been promoted in his job. (And yes, his boss does do that stuff religiously -- but his marriage sucks.)

I hate to say it, but you are right -- 30 year old dads playing beer pong? Especially for someone who has had inappropriate boundaries, that is an issue.

Reality posted 12/10/2013 12:06 PM

I agree with bionicgal, Blame. Your WH is looking to take whatever path feels most comfortable to him, regardless of where that puts you.

You don't feel like a priority - which is insulting on its own; with an affair added, its monstrous - because he isn't making you a priority.

I read a post a few days ago that floored me over in Wayward:

Can you believe that? The ways they were describing taking care of and working to improve their relationship with their BS knocked the wind right out of me. If my WH did half the things they are, I'd be so blissed out on dopamine, I'd be levitating.

I bet that list feels incredible to you, too, Blame. I could have written your post. The thing is, we should be seeing that type of proactive, self driven, passionate, committed behavior coming from the WHs.

Whether your WH likes it or not, not keeping his word to you, making agreed upon details into another fight communicates very definitively how important the marriage is, how important YOU are, and where you are actually standing - versus where you want to be standing.

I'm a sunshine girl, too. I completely understand wanting to stay positive. Are you getting tired of sending all that light into a void with no one shining it back at you?

I am.


ladycody posted 12/10/2013 12:07 PM

He needs to take accountability for his own lack of honesty. If he didn't MEAN that he was fine staying at the hotel because you matter more...he shouldn't have said it. YOU are not being unreasonable.

Kierst13 posted 12/10/2013 12:40 PM

Small 2x4 coming.

You are not going to get what you need from your husband whether you make agreements up front or not, or whether he asks to change said agreement or not. What you are wanting is for your WH not to get angry or resentful when you need for him to make you feel safe.

The fact is your WH does not get it and whether it is after the initial agreement or when he tries to change said agreement he IS resentful of you. He does not want to take responsibility for what his affair has done to you. He wants to play with the guys and have fun regardless of how it impacts you.

If I were you I would stop playing his warden and see what choices he makes on his own. He knows what you want and need from him; see if he is willing and able to provide it on his own. He knows going to bars with the guys when traveling on business is difficult on you. Stop maiking agreements and see how he behaves when making decisions for his family and you.

Blameitontherain posted 12/10/2013 13:57 PM

Thank you for the replies, even the small 2x4. It really helps me feel less insane when I get feedback.

I want to see him put me before himself even when it conflicts with what he wants. I want my feelings, security, etc to be the most important thing. How can I help my wife today? He will do what he needs to do as long as it doesn't conflict with what he wants. When it does, the anger and resentment is there. He will go along with what I want but not because he wants to. I need him to want to. That is what it boils down to. Change out the details and it is the under current in the arguements. Show me how important I am to you. Show me that making me comfortable despite it meaning some hardship for you is what you will willingly do. Because you want to,Not because I make you.

I know I need to let go and let the cards fall where they will. He will show me where his priorities are. I am scared. I am too scared to let go of the "control" that I really don't have in the first place. I am scared of what will be shown to me. I can't unsee shabby treatment. My rose colored glasses are off. My tolerance level is very low. I am afraid that if I see it, there will be no going back and my hand will be forced into a decision I don't want.

WH called me earlier and told me sorry for being mean last night. He says if I just would have left him alone it would not have blown up and he would have been fine today to speak with. But I had to keep picking at it. I get that it must be hard to see all the guys going out and you can't. I get that he hasn't gone out to the bars once this trip. I get that he feels he is doing his best and yet I still have the doubts and that frustrates him to no end. I understand it but suck it up buttercup. I didn't ask to be put on this path. You invited it into our marriage and this is the part if the fall out. Show me you can think of me first consistently because NOT thinking of me is what led to trouble. I will not feel safe until you can demonstrate it. I am floundering in the the wind without it. Show me you are safe.

[This message edited by Blameitontherain at 2:19 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

Blameitontherain posted 12/10/2013 14:03 PM

Oh and Reality I think I would have to double check that my WH was my WH if he started behaving like the others on your link. I would be over the moon happy. This process wouldn't feel like as much of a battle if he was proactive.

foolishlycluless posted 12/10/2013 16:51 PM


I completely understand what you're saying. I'm relatively new to SI, and it's been just under 3 months since my D-day. At this point in time, these are my thoughts regarding my particular situation - maybe they will help you. (My husband travels for business 1-2 times per month.)

I can't watch WH 24/7. He has to be responsible for his behavior when I am not around. As such, I have not (yet) made any "rules" for him. I would make myself physically sick if I felt that I had to watch him all of the time, make him give me a detailed report of everywhere that he went and everything that he did when he was away. I can't truly say that I trust him yet, and I don't know how long it will be before I can. But for my own sanity, I can't question EVERYTHING that he does. If he's going to go behind my back and do something, I can't really stop him. But that will be a dealbreaker.

With the help of our MC, he finally (as of about one week ago) has realized how his behavior has hurt me, how it has affected me emotionally, and how it has affected our relationship. And that I can't start healing until I know EVERYTHING.

A few days ago, I realized that I was making myself more depressed by constantly thinking sad thoughts, pitying myself. I was walking around like a zombie, and I didn't like. I told myself to "snap out of it." In my case, I can't dwell on all of the wrongs that have happened in the past. I want to move forward. With or without him.

I had a mini-meltdown at his employer's holiday party on Thursday night. No good reason - again I was just feeling sorry for myself. The next morning I apologized to WH for my behavior (nothing that his coworkers would have noticed), and later I sent him a text saying that I felt horrible for my behavior. It was very true, and I needed to say it. What surprised me was when he came home, he said that he saw my text, and that it was HIS behavior (ie, the affair) that caused me to behave the way that I did.

He is finally working on a timeline. I know that whatever he gives me in the timeline will cause a set-back for me. But I'm cautiously optimistic that finally learning all of the truth will be beneficial, and will allow me to start healing. I'm also still in "search" mode, and I'm afraid of what I'll discover. I won't stop searching until all of my questions are answered to my satisfaction. I don't know where that's going to take me.

Sorry, I rambled a bit there. But maybe I said something that will help you.

Hugs to you Blame.

sisoon posted 12/10/2013 18:03 PM

I want to see him put me before himself even when it conflicts with what he wants. I want my feelings, security, etc to be the most important thing. How can I help my wife today? He will do what he needs to do as long as it doesn't conflict with what he wants. When it does, the anger and resentment is there. He will go along with what I want but not because he wants to. I need him to want to.

Your feelings are your responsibility. His are his. Of all the things you can't control, other people's feelings may be the least controllable.

I want a partner whose honest and who meets her commitments. Your H isn't there yet. (In fact, I wonder if you count him among your children, 'cause I'd count him among mine.) For example, he can't make you feel safe - only you can choose to do that.

But it sounds like you're part of the system. You don't confront him effectively. The consequences are feeling bad/getting angry, but those aren't vey onerous, after all.

You can do difficult things even if you're scared. In this case, you need to risk losing him. You need to say something like, 'You can do what you want, but if you do a or b or c, the consequence will be a, b, or c.'

Blameitontherain posted 12/10/2013 19:15 PM

I'm confused. Maybe I don't use the right words and interject feelings when I mean something else.

I know I can not will him into putting me first, that is on him. But is it wrong that I want him to consider me and make me a priority over what he wants to do in the moment? To put my wants/needs first while trying to recover instead of adding to the chaos....

[This message edited by Blameitontherain at 7:22 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

worried_lady posted 12/10/2013 21:36 PM

I don't usually post anything in recon because I know nothing about that end of the process but I do read. This really struck out from your post but maybe I just don't have a lot of trust in people.

Hours later I text and ask if he is mad about not going

If it was hours later do you think he went to the bar anyway and maybe not so much resentment for you but mad at himself?

I know, having thoughts like that is probably why I would not do very well in Recon.

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