SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

BrokenRock posted 12/10/2013 08:30 AM

I spoke with my wife yesterday while she was supposedly at a hotel to get away and " find herself". About five weeks ago she told me the " I love you but do not love you" crap. Since then I have done all of the standard gyrations - I will change, we can work this out, what can I do...... She swore that there was no one else. struggled through my birthday, thanksgiving, and now Christmas. Ended up in couples therapy where she said that she did not see this working out, swore there was no one else. However. She needed to get away to think and there was a slivers of hope that maybe. Well I knew something was up when she left last Saturday. Instead of going to the hotel where she said she would be she went to her new friends condo. I saw it all play out on find iPhone in real time. I confronted her via text and phone. She lied through each question until I would give her the address and the owner of the property.....over 12 years we have never lied to each other about anything. All of my devotion and love for her she has destroyed in a few weeks.

Divorce is inevitable now. I have to find a place and move out. It is Christmas and I care about the kids and how they will be devastated by this event. She does not even care. Says that they will survive. I am hurt terribly by this betrayal and have been devastated emotionally and physically.

I was an incredibly strong man years ago. I changed so much to make her happy that this has ripped my very soul to pieces and placed it in the bottom of a shattered heart.

simplydevastated posted 12/10/2013 08:46 AM

I'm so sorry to you find yourself here, just know that you are in the right place. This site is full of compassionate people willing to help any way we can.

If you haven't already, check out the healing library in the upper left corner of the screen. There's a wealth of information there.

Please try to remember that whatever your wife says, don't take any blame for this. Her affair was her decision and her decision alone. No matter what issues there may have been in your marriage it was her responsibility to come and talk to you, not seek someone else out. This is hers to own 100%.

It is Christmas and I care about the kids and how they will be devastated by this event. She does not even care. Says that they will survive.

This right here shows who is the more compassionate one. You're concerned about your children and how this will affect them. She seems to be blowing it off as "no big deal."

You're still a strong person. You'll get through this and you'll be the one to help your children get through this while she's off in Neverland with her magical pixie dust.

Maybe your children can live with you

Keep posting, it helps.

Sending you strength to help you get through this difficult time.

ladycody posted 12/10/2013 09:15 AM

Am so sorry...sending you strength and support...

Bigger posted 12/10/2013 09:20 AM

Hi friend and welcome to the best club nobody wants to join.

Going to divide my suggestions into two categories:

First of all: Don’t forget to take care of yourself. After d-day we tend to fall into self-destructive patterns. Do things like mope, not eat, remain constantly in our pain…
Chances are others will chime in with great advice but it is of pan-importance for you to make sure your body is getting the required energy to deal with the issues. Not hungry? Get sport-shakes, protein drinks and fruits. Blend a banana with some milk/water and chocolate protein… heck – eating a burger and a shake will do you more good than starving. You NEED energy because you are going to be burning it like crazy.
Take time to exercise. No need to run five miles: a 20 minute walk will do fine. Just get out there and breathe fresh air, lift some weights, punch a bag, ride a bicycle… whatever…

Second: I think we get so f@cked up when dealing with infidelity because we have never envisioned being in this situation.

Now imagine that you aren’t dealing with infidelity. Instead imagine you wake up one night because of a high piercing sound. So you think that it might be the smoke detectors. You might HOPE it’s the smoke detectors in the next house but you would be a world-class fool to roll over and try to sleep. At least check. So you open your eyes and smell smoke…
Would you weight the pro’s and cons of phoning the fire-brigade? After all their heavy boots might ruin the floor and the water they use wreck the walls…

If you are semi-normal you would be jumping out of bed, waking the family, making sure the kids are safe and hustling ASAP out the door or window or whatever. Making sure that someone is dialing 911. Evaluating whether everyone is out, evaluating if you can kill the flame, saving valuables…

Even if it was a small fire in the side-room… You wouldn’t get it under control and then go get a cup of tea knowing there MIGHT be an ember. You would stomp it out, douse it with water, tear up the floorboards… You would make sure your house was SAFE.

Get it? See what I’m trying to say? The house – it’s your family and marriage. The fire – it’s your wife’s infidelity. It requires constant work until you have saved what you can and possibly killed the infidelity/fire. Sometimes houses can’t be saved. Sometimes someone is left in the fire. At that point you can’t really stop and wish it hadn’t happened. It did. It’s reality. So you move on and find a new house to build.
Often the house is damaged but can be fixed. But once again – it’s no use dialing 911 and then directly a contractor to start fixing the damaged stuff. Your priorities should be save those that can get out, save valuables, try to save the house and then evaluate whether to fix or find something new.

IMHO reality is the best cure for infidelity. Your WW needs a dose of reality. Her comments about the kids… that shows a total lack of reality.

I think it’s a very powerful moment when a BH realizes that the worst outcome of what he is dealing with is NOT losing his wife. The worst outcome has to be that she continues in the affair. That she doesn’t commit to the marriage.

I think that powerful moment is best utilized in telling your wife something like:
“Wife. I love you and I think we and our children deserve that we try to work our way through the infidelity. I realize it will require immense work from both of us and I am willing to commit to that. However I also know that losing you is NOT the worst thing that can happen to me. In fact I lost you the moment you decided to have an affair. The ABSOLUTE WORST outcome of this situation would be to continue living in infidelity.
Either you are in the marriage or you are not. There is no in-between.
While you are seeing OM and having an affair I have already lost you. I am therefore assuming the marriage is over and will act with the intent of going through the process of terminating it. There’s no rush. We can do this like civilized people. It won’t happen overnight and as I have stated I am willing to commit to the marriage. But I can’t save it alone and until you clearly and vocally state that you are willing to work towards reconciliation then the only honest and healthy thing I can do is move on”

And then you basically just do that.
You talk to an attorney. You get your latest tax records. You go over your debts and assets. You start listing major possessions in the house.
You do NOT talk to WW about marriage issues. It’s like trying to negotiate with the flames.
You do not talk to WW about the divorce process. Simply say “This is not what I want but it’s my only option. I am afraid that I am too emotionally attached to the marriage so at the RIGHT time we will have an attorney or mediator go over these issues with us”.
You do not engage in arguments.
You simply live your life, doing the 180 and act as determined and content as you can. Sort of like someone that simply knows that the hard path he is walking is the only one out.

Your sense of determination will confuse your wife.
Once you tackle this like the cancer it really is then reality sets in.

For example: Why are YOU leaving the house? Why not tell her to move in to OM’s condo so you can remain in the house? After all – that is economically the best solution for both of you. (BTW – check with an attorney if infidelity in any way impacts divorce – doubt it but check anyway).

Can you two afford two households?

Is it a given that she gets prime custody?

Have you discussed finances while separate?

It’s an extremely common misconception with WW that the BH will simply leave and live in a single-room apartment eating noodles for all meals. Come over on Sundays to clean the gutters, mow the lawn and shoot the breeze with his new friend the OM (who conveniently is wearing BH old bathrobe). Reality is totally different: Three years from now you and WW will hopefully have a good co-parenting relationship but it won’t be joint Thanksgivings or shopping for coats together. Divorce is the process of minimizing interaction between two people that can’t live together – it’s not an alternative marriage.

Friend – You have been placed in a terrible situation. But you have a lot of control. It’s totally up to you to take control of your situation and deal with it within the reality you are being offered. That might require letting your wife go, but it also might lead to her coming back into the marriage.

1owner posted 12/10/2013 09:52 AM

Sorry for the reasons you are here, but it's a great place for support!

Excellent advice from Bigger!

Definately check with a lawyer on divorce in your state...the wee wifey doesn't always get custody anymore...attorney told me it will generally go to who is best able to support them nowadays. My state is no fault, meaning adultery does not have much bearing on the outcome, but I doubt being a cheater would win points with most judges.

Read the healing library and rock the 180 like there is no tomorrow!

Good luck! Stay strong brother!

keptmyword posted 12/10/2013 10:03 AM

Brokenrock,

Your brief story sounds very similar to mine. The "I love you but not love..." crap - which is nothing more than giving themselves a mental permission slip to have sex with other people while married. Also the "finding myself", which is just a way for them to have you in a panic to "fight" for them and the marriage while having the bullshit delusional fantasy of the flattery-feeding adultery partner.

She's created what she wants to believe is a fairy-tale. Every fairy tale needs a villain - and you have been unknowingly and undeservingly cast into playing that role.

After going through this from the pre-D-day inexplicable behavior to finalizing my divorce, I would strongly suggest the following:

1. Sear into your heart, mind and soul the fact that her adultery/infidelity has NOTHING to do with you or your marriage. Adultery is is a PERSONAL failure and personal issue - it is NOT a marital failure or issue.

2. Do not beg, bargain, or negotiate with her. Period.

3. If her adultery partner has a wife or girlfriend then TELL HER IMMEDIATELY. Don't tell your wife you are going to do it. Do it without your wife having any knowledge of what you are going to do.

4. Immediately consult with an attorney and FILE for divorce. Have her served with the divorce petition. This will pound some hard, cold reality and consequences into her bullshit fantasy world.

See what her reaction is to this and then be extremely honest with yourself as to whether you want to stay with this person or continue with the divorce.

Lalagirl posted 12/10/2013 10:19 AM

I agree - Bigger has provided excellent advice, and this jumped out at me:

Why are YOU leaving the house? Why not tell her to move in to OM’s condo so you can remain in the house? After all – that is economically the best solution for both of you. (BTW – check with an attorney if infidelity in any way impacts divorce – doubt it but check anyway).

IMHO, I do not think it is fair that the BS has to be the one to leave and uproot from their home.

I am so sorry, BrokenRock. You have found a wonderful place for support, but I am sorry you had to come here.

Sending you strength,

Lala

happyman64 posted 12/10/2013 12:01 PM

BrokenRock

You know what shakes up a wayward, lying wife the most? The quickest?

A confident spouse that realizes that they no longer need or want this person in their life.

The whining, crying and begging just sends them quicker to the Other Person they are cheating with. They find comfort there.

They find "love" and romance there.

So give her what she wants.

"Let Her Go".

Drop her so fast her head will spin.
See the attorney or more than one.
Get the Divorce papers drawn up.
Have her served at work.
Do not give her any warning.

And when she says why are you moving on so fast you tell her that the woman she has become is so far from whom you married that you have no desire to share anything in life with her except the kids.

You might be surprised how she reacts.

Man up. Go find the man you were when you first met her.

And replace her.

It is the consequence she truly needs to receive before she will ever pull her head out of her butt.

All she is doing has been lying to you so no longer tolerate it.

Move forward even if it is painful. And show her consequences.

She has forgotten about her vows, her marriage, her children and her husband.

Now remind her.

HM

Lalagirl posted 12/10/2013 12:23 PM

Wow...great post/advice HappyMan64. Simple and to the point.

I echo your sentiments 1000%.

BrokenRock, I know all of the responses are a lot to take in - but believe me, when you knock her off the fence and close the bakery (a classic line we use for cake eating WSs), you will be surprised how your healing process will be easier.

heforgotme posted 12/10/2013 12:51 PM

Hey BrokenRock

I'm so sorry you have a reason to be here. The next few weeks will be incredibly hard, so make sure you take care of yourself as much as possible. Drink water. Eat. Sleep. Post and we will help you all we can.

My most immediate concern at the moment is that you said you need to find a place to move out. As she is the offending party, I don't see why you should have to be the one to leave. If she can't afford this, remember that that is not your problem. If she refuses to leave, then you have another sort of problem. I'm sure it will eventually get sorted legally, but also that it would be hell for you to be living in the same house as her in the meantime. I think for now I would approach this with her as if you assume she will leave. And hopefully she just will.

She should not get to maintain her status quo while she destroys things.

Hang in there and keep us informed.....

BrokenRock posted 12/12/2013 05:59 AM

Hammered

D-day +4
WW is still up north in her "friends" condo. Has tried to deny the affair but I will not allow her to control the conversation. Tries to gaslight on a sick mother and such - I say you lied about having someone else, you lied about where you were going and who with, you lied about relationship both emotional and now physical. I told her that I do not have video but I know you have hugged, kissed and held each other. She did not deny. She is coming back on Saturday night.

I have told her she needs to sleep in another room. She is asking that I move out by the end of December. I cannot until we have seperation agreement to ensure my custody rights are intact and that I get joint legal custody of my daughter. She acts like I will move out, keep doing all the things I do to take care of the house, horses, and stuff. She acts insane and oblivious to what cheating does, what divorce means, and how the world will be. This is not the woman I fell in love with and was devoted to all these years.

Last night was hell. I could not sleep, tossed and turned, worried, fearful and stressed about the future. I want to wake up from this nightmare. It is complicated (we have a prenup) that gives her more rights to the house than I have - special equity position. I will have to leave. In retrospect there should have been a cheating clause if that we're possible to get me some compensation for the pain. I had turned over all money to her for management of the house and bills. Fucking idiot. I will never trust another woman ever.

I am struggling with starting 180. I will not text, call, or email her. I am better than her, stronger than this, and will survive stronger once this is over. But those words get smashed when my emotions take over and I feel tears welling up. This sucks.

How do you start a new life while the old one has you in a straight jacket?

I have to do the following
Change deposit (secure funds) - she Said I can have the joint account money but it is hardly enough to start over.
Find rental house (nearby for the kids)
Get stuff packed (once you leave you leave)
I will only be taking the master bedroom suite (damned if I have her new stooge sleep in my bed)
Get through Christmas
And tell my daughter and step son about her mother and I.
Move
Wait for divorce papers
Start taking my life back minus the woman I loved, the house we built, and the family we created.

May just say Nope on move so fast. After I get the money.

Merry Christmas.

kenny55 posted 12/12/2013 17:56 PM

Sorry you are here man. I would be careful about moving out before anything is in writing. It could be seen as abandonment and affect your rights.

Brandon808 posted 12/12/2013 18:08 PM

I changed so much to make her happy

My first two LTR before I got married cheated and left me. I learned the hard way there is nothing more painful than loving someone who no longer wants you. It's brutal. I fought for my 1st wgf and ended up prolonging the pain and humiliation. With my 2nd wgf I just left. The only mistake I made was not getting into IC to help me deal with it all. I white-knuckled my way through it and ended up choosing my xww. Not.a.good.plan.

Bigger posted 12/13/2013 04:45 AM

Why is it a given that YOU move out?

Whose name is on the lease/mortgage?
Can she finance the home on her own?
Can you afford a second home?
Most states provide an online calculator that can give you a clue about possible child support. Search for one and figure out your future finances. Base the answers to the above on whatever result you get.
Look – IF this ends in D then the D is simply a temporary stage. Two years from it being final you are NOT going to appreciate having made a “sacrifice” while still living in a one-room apartment. You want life to go on. You want to progress.

Making the financial consequences of D clear can be a very good tool to make the WS snap out of the fog.