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1owner posted 12/10/2013 10:24 AM

As a BS, what are the little things that bug you? Not the totality of the A, but little parts of it that you must process that sometimes become triggers?

I work average 55 hrs a week at my main job. Side work on weekends when I can get it. My W does not work by her own choice, if she did, I wouldn't have to work as much. I think back to when she was in her A, getting her nails done, spending tons of money on new clothes, makeup, hair, etc. I recently bought her a new car, I'm still driving my worn out old work truck. Granted, she has always splurged on things like that, and I didn't mind, but during her A, how much of it was she doing with OM in mind? Getting dolled up for him, and I got to pay for it?

POS married OM, who was chasing a woman he knew was married, getting the benefits of what I was working and paying for. And she was giving it to him. I checked the bank statements, I even got to pay for their hotel room. WTF is wrong with that situation?

I'm sure their will be other little things I will have to process...just wondering what others are dealing with.

Kierst13 posted 12/10/2013 10:27 AM

During false R he would come up behind me and put his arms around me. He would whisper in my ear that he loved me and would work every day to make up for his wrongs and change himself. I now know he said those things and most likely walked away to text or call his AP.

He has ruined sweet nothings being whispered to me by anybody in the future.

karmahappens posted 12/10/2013 10:33 AM

I took a job a few months before the A started.

It paid a lot of money.

We were a year away from a daughter in college and it would have allowed us to pay cash for whatever she needed.

BUT the shifts were difficult. Obviously too difficult for H at the time. He got lonely and started hanging out with our friend.

I resented the fact that I gave up weekends, nights and holidays with my family to financially help us and ultimately got screwed.

I left the job after I found out about the A. I refused to go to work sick and worrying so he could be financially free at my expense.

A few years later I got a job paying the same, with hours I could handle. He is a lucky man that I offered R and we are lucky together that we worked it.

At the time though I was pissed.

TrustGone posted 12/10/2013 10:41 AM

There are soooo many little things from my WH#2's 3yr LTA that I could probably write a book about them. I guess the most hurtful thing to me was the fact that the OW lived in my house while I was working out of state during the week. I was paying for her groceries, electricity, water, etc... She was sleeping in my bed, using my things as her own, even going through my dresser drawers and jewlery box. Luckily she was bigger than I was or she would have probably wore my clothes too. My poor dog was thrown outside and ignored because she didn't like him around her. All my plants died because my WH#2 was too busy with the whore to water them. I could go on and on with the many things that trigger me on a daily basis.

I am sorry that you are still hurting over these things. The best way you can look at it now is that it was money well spent to find out what kind of person you were married to and now she is someone elses problem. Now he can pay for all her material things and hopefully you are free of her now. It takes time yo get over these things, but eventually it is something you will be able to overcome. (((HUGS)))

knolls posted 12/10/2013 10:53 AM

Mine is work related as well

I went back to work and found a much higher paying job then I ever made as a Social Worker. But this job meant at night I was inputting all my accounts info into the computer for my company to start billing the next day. So while I was in my office in the back of the apt then were texting, face timing and keeping in touch. Not sure how her BH never heard as they live with his family. I am hard of hearing and he kept the tv up so I never heard. That is until the night before DD. that is what led me to really find the proof. I was aware something was going on. But still didnt really have the proof. But hearing him talking to someone the night before DD gave me the strength

My other little thing as I had said before was I really wanted a new bike. I bought H one and wanted to get myself a new one as well. He asked me to wait a bit. Yep $$$ for hotels.

steadfast1973 posted 12/10/2013 10:57 AM

That, so many times, i heard, "that's too expensive" and "we don't have that kind of money" SO MUCH! Yet we could afford $550 (more than I asked for...) for 90 minutes with a whore...

1owner posted 12/10/2013 12:47 PM

Good replies!

Seems like evidence of the selfishness of the A. The BS is always moved to the background of the WS's mind, demoted to being just an inconvenience to put up with when it can't be avoided. All resources, emotional, financial, whatever, are bestowed upon the AP. That's something I struggle with, what had to be going through her mind to make her actions OK? We are attempting R, and we have talked of her thinking then vs. now that the fog is gone.

TrustGone, living in your house? Wow, that's pretty low.

I think it helps me to accept what the A was, the more I process these things, the less it seems to affect me. Maybe that is evidence of my healing, regardless of the outcome of R.

StillLivin posted 12/10/2013 12:51 PM

I recently bought her a new car, I'm still driving my worn out old work truck

lowner this jumped out at me.
I'm going to do a small t/j here.
One of my biggest regrets is that I was so self sacrificing for someone who obviously didn't appreciate me, my sacrifices, or my efforts at being a good wife and stepmother. Had he appreciated me, he wouldn't even have been capable of the A much less of leaving me for her.
I laid a lot of blame on him and a lot of rage. Then I turned it on myself.
I cannot change the past, but I know I will take care of me first in future relationships. He always had to have expensive SUVs, Cadillac Escalade, etc., while I was left driving around in matchbox cheapo beaters. He had expensive clothes, jewelry, me nothing or little. I made $80G a year. Why the hell didn't I buy myself what I wanted, be it better clothes, nicer vehicle, or expensive jewelry.
I came to realize that he respected me as much as I respected me. He only gave me exactly what I would put up with. I thought I was being a great wife. I wanted him to have a smile on his face. I always had nice stuff before I married him, to include a nice SUV. But I put his happiness way above my own, and so did he. He knew he was more important than me.
Dang, I've been pretty wordy lately.
BLUF (Bottom line up front), make yourself happy first as often as you make your partner happy first. There has to be a balance. I don't know if I had followed this advice whether it would have changed the past events, but I wouldn't have been as angry at my own part played in him not respecting me and all that I sacrificed for him.
Show your spouse YOU respect yourself and if she doesn't hold the door open for her. Take care of yourself as much as you have taken care of her.

cancuncrushed posted 12/10/2013 13:22 PM

We have a huge yard, the fall is major hardship with the trees. H insisted I do yard work, while unknowingly, he was taking OW to finest hotel restaurant, for company luncheon. I found out about it beforehand, and a large fight happened. He agreed not to go. I found out later, he did go. But says she did not. Why hide it and Lie? We've cut down all of our trees. I no longer do the yard work. .....The other little thing, he traveled with OW in our SUV to another city. My DS, DD and now, OW live in this city. SO I get to ride in the same truck, same seat, with H, down the same road, to same city over and over. Even listen to same CDS. I relive their little trip every time. i am reminded of OW every time I get in that SUV. many things are tainted for me. vacations, holidays, company activities, office, birthdays, now I am painting the house. for myself, and trying not to focus on holidays. ANd I feel this same "taking advantage of me" feeling creeping in. But... it is for me. It was my idea. I need to keep very busy right now. And its pretty, and I am good at it. ANYTHING to pass this time.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 1:33 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

1owner posted 12/10/2013 14:45 PM

cancuncrushed: "taking advantage of me", that's a great way to describe what I meant, the words just didn't come to me. I know how that ride to the same city must feel. I have purposely not been back to the city where they spent the night in a hotel, although W and I used to occasionally go there. I will have to deal with that soon, I know.

StillLivin: T/j welcome. This was just something that had been on my mind. I always enjoyed self sacrificing for my W, it just seems "right" for her to have the nicest vehicle I can give her, and all of the things she did for herself, if it made her happy, I was all for it. I think what hurts is the realization that it was not appreciated. Thank you for that insight!

whiteflower99 posted 12/10/2013 15:01 PM

Oh let's see...
1) I was taking care of the kids/house etc so he could party

2) He would take her kids to the park but neglect ours

3) They would go on "dates" but we never had time

4) He would shower her with compliments while I was lucky if he noticed I changed my hair color

5) He would be oh so affectionate, tell me how lucky he was to have me, then go hide in the bathroom and tell her the same thing via text

need I go on?

StillLivin posted 12/10/2013 15:16 PM

You are welcome. I wish someone had pointed this out to me while we were still together all those years and before the A.
There wasn't any balance in our relationship.
I hope you give yourself more balance.
I fully intend to still be generous, self sacrificing and giving, but I'll be those things to myself as well.
Good luck!

PinkJeepLady posted 12/10/2013 17:11 PM

One (of the many) things that really bothers me is that when our son got married a few years ago, we were taking what we call an "original family" photo. My WH and I in the middle of our beautiful six children, the 3 girls next to me, the 3 boys next to him. The photographer said, "ok, group hug!" and we all put our arms around each other, laughing. The photo came out amazingly good, we look so happy. We blew up the photo for all of us, used it in our Christmas cards, ect. A framed photo sits on our piano in the living room and we get nice comments on it.
Well, now I know that just a few days before and after that photo, WH was with prostitutes. It makes me sick. That photo represents such a good time and what means everything to me, I thought it meant everything to WH too. I am crying right now thinking about it. It's just one of the little things........

painfulpast posted 12/10/2013 17:27 PM

Where to even begin...

fWH said (first time ever) that he needed new clothes. So I gave him a few hundred for clothes. He then bragged to her and sent her pics of all his new clothes, when she asked if he was modeling them. He bragged that I bought him a car. He couldn't ever do things with my family, but he could talk the her mother on the phone. Are you kidding??? And he had nothing but time for her while i sat alone.

Yes, I make the money. Yes, I spoiled him. No, I don't know.

And 1owner, tell your wife to get a job. She has way too much time on her hands. She lost the luxury of sitting on her butt when she spent her time cheating. Too f'n bad.

julesinpain posted 12/10/2013 21:23 PM

I hate that he would kiss me goodbye and tell me he loved me. Only to have him call his OW seconds after he left me! This so bugs the crap out of me!

I hate that after I found out and he wanted to R that he would say "Just love me baby" Only to discover he was talking to her again when he would say that!! I hated when he would say it in the first place, but when I found out he had picked up the affair again and was saying it, I almost threw up!!! Gag

I hated that after the affair we were at a friends birthday party. The OW was there as we have many mutual friends. He got drunk, some random guy kissed the OW and he said "hey buddy that is my wife you are kissing" I almost died. She came up to me and said "did you hear what your husband just said to me?" He played stupid and couldn't understand why I was so mad and then said "It was just a Joke" Um okay, that is not funny when you were having an affair that I knew about and called her his wife in front of everyone and ME.

Spelljean posted 12/10/2013 22:56 PM

When WH would ask me details about a particular hotel I stayed at before to see if it was a nice place to stay, etc...I realized later he was just trying to impress OW with a nice room and cool place to stay.

I introduced my WH to a great little cove in the Bay area with a cute hotel....that eventually became "our" special place....then he eventually took OW there.

Like he couldn't come up with anything new??

Sucks that he used a lot of "me" in seducing and impressing her. My ideas, my words, my position on topics, my love of different cuisines, my view of the world....WH was always a red neck type, simple tastes, meat eater, unsophisticated type of guy, and he changed overnight with "her"

Suddenly he wanted to be a vegan, though anytime I actually used to prepare healthy, vegetable based meals he would shake his head and laugh.

So, basically it was those little gestures, ideas, inspiration from ME that he used to impress her. And it worked. He took pieces of me to use on her.

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