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9.10.11 posted 12/10/2013 10:31 AM

My GF has major issues with my house, and I do understand. I was married for about 18 yrs and xww decorated the house, as far as paint, cabinets, colors, etc. I have a new bed, new furniture, no pix of her(just kids and I), and very little gifts from xww or from people to us during our marriage. Those gifts left were important to kids so I kept them.

I don't have the funds to redo the whole house, but do have a house picked out that I plan on buying when the current owners move.(I've talked to them) but that is nearly 9 months away.

I have tried everything I can think of to make her more comfortable at my house(we do not live together), yet she just does not want to come to my house.

I have NO pix of my xww, yet she has an album of her xso. Pix of him on FB, gifts from him, etc. I understand, but it hurts me too. Ok, this last paragraph was probably a retaliation rant so forgive me.

Ladies, or guys who are/have gone through this, what the heck am I supposed to do? BTW, this house I live kids are the 5th generation to live in it. I will still own it and have an employee live in it, so not selling. It's on a farm and the house I'm looking at is in town. Only time I lived in town was during college, 4 yrs....but I can adapt.....neighbors may not like me p'n outside though.

Thanks for the help! Merry Christmas everyone!

[This message edited by 9.10.11 at 10:33 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

lieshurt posted 12/10/2013 10:54 AM

I'm sorry, but I find that utterly ridiculous behavior on her part. I wouldn't worry about trying to accomodate her, especially given you already stated you aren't even sure where this relationship is going. You are already planning to move. You already have new furniture/bed. Yet, it's okay for her to have pictures of her xso on FB, gifts, etc...? Oh no, don't think so.

GabyBaby posted 12/10/2013 10:56 AM

I agree with Lieshurt.
This is your family home (and has been for generations). You don't have an XW shrine, so I don't see the problem, other than it being a control issue on the part of your SO.

She can't expect that you're a virgin with no people in your past that she'll have to contend with, just as she has a past too.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 10:57 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

Crescita posted 12/10/2013 11:17 AM

Honestly I don't understand your GF's perspective. It sounds like an excuse. It is your home. Perhaps she wants an our home, but it's not because this one is your ex's. It isn't.

I don't know how long you have been together, but 9 months is not that long to wait, assuming she knows your plan. In the meantime, clear out some spots in your place for her, ask her how you can make her feel more at home.

ETA: Push her to be more honest with you about this.

[This message edited by Crescita at 12:19 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

SeanFLA posted 12/10/2013 11:46 AM

That would frustrate me to no avail. Guess she thinks you're Rockefeller and can just up and change your home just for her. This is where you and your children live. And from your description you've done everything correctly regarding what you've gotten rid of and what you've kept for your children. I would not have done it any other way. If she doesn't respect that and get over it, it may be time to get over her and move on. Sounds more like a jealousy streak of your ex of some twisted way more than anything else. I'm beginning to get very unaccommodating to people like that in my life. I'm beginning to get tired of looking out for others (other than my son) and doing large momentous things for others that see zero return for me spiritually. I know it sounds selfish, but I think it's time to worry more about me than others right now. She may need her own IC if she's determined to date someone seriously, especially a divorced man with a past. And I would have THAT talk with her.

Nature_Girl posted 12/10/2013 11:48 AM

This is a huge red flag that's burning bright. There's something wrong with her. It's not your house. It's her.

hummingbird8 posted 12/10/2013 12:07 PM

I think she is using this as an excuse. You are not doing anything wrong, depending on what gifts from your ex are around.

SeanFLA posted 12/10/2013 12:24 PM

Nature Girl hit it right on the head. I would try to find out why she needs to be like this towards you. Could be something in her past. But could just be that she's that insecure of a person.

The first few months I was dating the gf she kept asking or making passive aggressive comments towards me about going back to my exWW. I never said one thing about that scenario and we were legally divorced. After a while of this I had to sit her down and basically tell her to knock it off. It was unattractive to me and in a way hurtful. And if she continued it we would need to go our separate ways. It took her some time to see that I have strict NC with my exWW other than our son and finances. Sounds like you pretty much have NC in place. Turns out she had been dating a guy previously that decided to go back to his wife. Not sure of the circumstance surrounding it, but I think it made her believe that all men are untrustworthy in that aspect. But it wasn't my issue to work on, it was hers. It told her that if you don't trust previously divorced men, then you probably shouldn't be dipping your toe in the dating pool at our ages.

EvenKeel posted 12/10/2013 13:43 PM


(OK - so that probably didn't help ya, huh??? )

I have had two relationships since my D and neither person has had a problem being comfortable in my house (and it was my M home).

This is your children's HOME (as well as a generational home). What sort of person would want their partner's kids to move out of their homeplace because she is uncomfortable?

I understand the concept of having issues because she is concerned about the "ghosts of the M" being there...but this is over the top.

I agree with the other have a person problem here; NOT a house problem.

Snapdragon posted 12/10/2013 14:08 PM

This may not have anything to do with your house at all. But everything to do with the fact that she doesn't want to drive out to the country and be out of her own comfort zone.

I remember when I was first dating my ex. He really hated coming to my apartment. Despite the fact that he had two room-mates, he really preferred that I come to his condo. Looking back, it was a very early example of his selfishness and "its all about me" attitude. It should have been a red flag!

9.10.11 posted 12/16/2013 11:52 AM

Just wanted to thank everyone for the help. Very much appreciated!

Had a few good talks with her about many things. All is good for now. Jealousy, her past, my past, her family, my family.....all part of learning and understanding new people.

this is fun.......right?

It is. Merry Christmas everyone!

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