I asked why his other relationships didn't work out. Thinking if he fell in love with one of them, fine, I could accept that. In facti, I think that would have been better, it would have made me realize he's a normal human being with a heart. But, no, he had at least 10 PA's, 1 LTA in the 3 years that I "know" of while he was cheating. And, I busted him on all of the revelations with proof. He never once felt bad enough to come to me and say he felt bad for what he did. I think he's mostly sorry because he got BUSTED. Till this day, he doesn't "remember" when he first started cheating. In my mind, it could have been from day 1. I will never know and honestly I don't give a fuck. Excuse my language. I've recently adopted a new favorite word. lol.
Does this all sound like NPD to you all??
Do some internet searches:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Personality Disorder Support
Recovery/Surviving from Narcissistic Abuse
The effects of Gaslighting on Victims
Dating a Sociopath
Narcissists, Marriage, and the Other Woman
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
Just him being a cheating, unremorseful bastard wouldn't qualify him as having NPD or NPD traits. Those of us who are divorcing or have divorced someone with NPD/NPD traits can attest that there is catastrophic abuse piled high on our souls. Cheating is the least of the crimes committed against us, sad to say.
It took me a long time to believe her and to see it for myself. I read a lot about the NPDs who rage and scream and even get violent when the mask is dropped. I never experienced that. I also read about the Narcs who love attention and are grandious in their gestures. The ones who "love bomb" when you get together. I never had that either.
What I had was a much sneakier version of a narc. Mine was pegged as a "covert narcissist". That means that he thrived on always coming off as the good guy; he had an angel complex. Whenever anyone talked about him their first words were "He's such a nice guy".
That allowed him to perfect his masterful skill of lying by omission so that he could fool me and everyone else around him. Until he got caught and couldn't fool me anymore.
Once the mask was dropped, it was as if I no longer existed. I was still his wife and the mother of his kids, but he could have cared less. He actually acted like I was a bother when I would try to talk to him, cry, and ask him what was going to happen to our 15 year marriage. I think in those early days, he could have watched me suck on the end of a pistol and gone to lunch right after. I honestly don't think it would have bothered him in the least.
The total lack of empathy and your description of a "cold heart" likely signals that your wh sits somewhere on that NPD spectrum. Normal people don't do that. Normal people hurt when they hurt someone else.
His way of abusing me was not to rage or attack or name call. It was to completely erase me through silence. He honestly got off on that, and I can tell you it was the most hurtful thing I've ever experienced. It was as if I never mattered.
The only advice I can give you now is to try to research and figure out how to best react to a narc. There really is no way to understand how their minds work because ours are so different and so normal. But, it will be to your advantage to understand how to handle them, especially when going through a divorce.
The other reason to research it is to try to figure out why you were attracted to that personality in the first place and how to avoid it moving forward.
You can read the first chap or so on Amazon
they don't get better, they don't change, there is no cure, and it had nothing to do with you.
If you are dealing with an narcissist, BE CAREFUL.
They are highly manipulative and very vengeful. Over the course of a M, many NPD have a history of giving co-workers/friends hints eluding to their spouse's "mental instability" or "cheating". Then during a D they can play the victim and gain sympathy. It's all lies of course, but who would believe anyone would be that manipulative? no-one (unless they have been on the vengeful receiving end of an NPD). So be very very careful.
The BEST insight/advice I have is that NPDs will actually accuse you of what they are guilty of doing. You can find out so much of what an NPD is actually doing just be quietly listening to their accusations.
It just breaks my heart about his own children. If he's a true NPD, he will want to control them and not really love them like a normal father would. Ugh. I'm so filing for full custody. FTG.
Right now I'm playing nice and pretending that I'm contemplating dating him because I want to spend our son's first Christmas together. If I don't flirt, bat my eyes, and pretend there's a chance, then he is a MONSTER! The thing that makes me the most sick is that I keep sleeping with him. I HATE myself for it. But when I just try to "hangout" with him and the kids, or "talk", he proceeds to touch me and make sexual innuendos, I say No and please stop, but my vagina takes over and I give in. FML!!!!! I can't wait til after the holidays so I don't have to play along anymore. Once he knows I have no intention of dating him, and their baby is born, I won't have to worry about him trying to sleep with me because he'll "HATE" me!
Check it out! Lots of good info in there.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
I don't know if you've ever seen that movie 500 Days of Summer with Zooey Dechanel. But, there's a part where the main character is love with her and sees all her beauty. Then, when they break up, he sees all her flaws. I totally feel like that with STXH. He stinks, I don't like him, he grosses me out now. And, for the last year I was so happy that he wanted me sexually that is. I've finally come to my senses. Good luck, sweetie. This sucks big time!!! I'm excited to be single and want to date. But, I don't want to attract another NPD, so I'm gonna sort my shit out in therapy and wait a while.