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plainpain posted 12/10/2013 12:00 PM

OW is pregnant, due after Christmas. We have moved to the other side of the country, and have been complete NC with her since August. The last few times she called her house, I spoke to her and she was angry that I would not 'let her' speak to my WH. I told her we would contact her after the due date, to arrange paternity tests and to determine custody issues. She has since changed her name and blocked me on FB - my H does not do social media. Not sure what that's about, as I would think she would want to remain easy to find.

So, at some point we will have to break NC as we have no intention of 'abandoning' the OC. I know it should probably be done through a lawyer, but that's just not likely to happen initially. There was never any kind of NC letter written - my WH simply made himself impossible to contact.

My question is, which one of us should be the one to break NC? My WH, or me?

I know this is his responsibility, but it absolutely affects me. I do not want to open up any kind of communication between them, I do not want her to be given any opportunity for 'closure' or to play the sympathy card, and I don't want her going into this thinking she has any kind of intimate 'connection' to my WH now because of the baby. At the same time, I don't want to increase the level of drama for myself, and would like for him to clean up his own mess - particularly since a huge part of the marriage dynamic that we are working at changing is me being an enabler, and always cleaning up his messes for him.

I welcome advice on how to prepare, what to do, what not to do.

bionicgal posted 12/10/2013 12:03 PM

I would say you or the lawyer have all the contact. He doesn't exist for her anymore. Just my 2 cents.

myeverafter posted 12/10/2013 12:14 PM

I would only have a lawyer have contact with her for now. I don't know if "I" would be strong enough to communicate with her. (The OW in my case was a friend. And thank goodness had a hysterectomy a couple years ago.)

karmahappens posted 12/10/2013 12:43 PM

Have you gone to the I can relate thread about having an OC?

I have no right to give you advice, because it hasn't happened to me. But I cant imagine he can be NC with the OC's mom if he is going to co-parent?

I wouldn't expect you to do any of the communicating. It isn't your child. For you to be running interference is like giving him a pass. He needs to deal with the situation he created. Including finding a way for open communication while allowing you to feel safe.

But again, I am not here.

I really just wanted to say you are a strong, loving woman. I know we can only say what we would do in our own situations, but I would not be strong enough here.

God Bless you on whatever you decide. I hope your husband understands what a gift this is.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 12:45 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

Kierst13 posted 12/10/2013 12:55 PM

All contact at this point should go through a lawyer. I assume if you do not have contact with her before the birth she will have legal custody/support papers sent to you through a lawyer or court system.

I agree with Karma about you not being the one to communicate as it puts the responsibility of his child on you.

TennisTC posted 12/10/2013 13:07 PM

IMO, she is manipulating you, trying to control the situation to get her desired outcome - contact with your WH. You told her your plan (that you would contact her after the due date to arrange paternity tests and determine custody issues), and she didn't like the plan.

I believe that she's betting if she goes off grid for awhile she "proves her point" - that she wants to talk to WH and not you. If you and your WH have made it clear up to this point that he intends to be involved with the OC, then I believe she is using your good intentions of not abandoning the OC against you, and she thinks that when she finally reaches out again that you and your WH will give in to her.

To me it just screams a desperate ploy to show she is control of the situation. Almost like a toddler pitching a fit to get her way. But it would really make me wonder if she believes there is a chance your WH may not be the father. She may have wanted to reach out and re-establish the relationship with WH to avoid a paternity test, or at least to smooth things over so that by the time she took the test if it came back that he is not the father, your WH would be "back under her spell."

I wouldn't spend a lot of time worrying about it though. By the info in your profile, if it turns out the WH is the father, I'm sure that she will be in touch asap for child support.

I'm with you and bionicgal - I would want NC between my WH and OW. There are plenty of parents who have children together but are not on speaking terms. It's obviously not the ideal situation, but so what? I think the well-being of your kids takes priority (and if there is a chance of successful R and keeping their family together then that is more important than a model co-parent situation with the OW). If having all contact with the OW regarding the OC go through you or an attorney is what you need to feel safe and comfortable R'ing, then so be it.

After paternity is established, maybe you and your WH can tell OW that all contact will be done through one specific email address or by text on a specific cell number (on a new line, maybe add a phone to your cell plan just for that), and your can be the person in control of the phone or email. She will never know if you are the person responding if all communication is done in writing.

(((Hugs)))

tushnurse posted 12/10/2013 13:23 PM

Niether of you should break NC, you should be doing all of this through an attorney.

She either knows for a fact that he is not the father, and fell of the grid because of that, or she is trying to manipulate him into contacting her. Don't give her the power.

plainpain posted 12/10/2013 15:26 PM

I agree about the manipulation. I am definitely on to her in that regard. I am thinking that perhaps it had never occurred to her at any point in all of this that we might actually want to have custody of the child. I think she was just imagining a monthly paycheck and a secret sugar daddy. She was furious at my H for telling me about the pregnancy. Not sure how she thought that was supposed to stay a secret.

So, here's where my own integrity comes into play, and where I have to try very hard not to be manipulative myself. I am wondering if maybe I scared her when I mentioned custody, and she has decided that she would rather raise the child alone without CS, than share custody with my H and me. Am I ok with that? Yup. My first and only priority is my psychological well-being, my own children and my marriage. Is my H prepared to just 'not know'? I don't really know at this point how he would feel.

Involving a lawyer and ordering paternity tests ourselves would kind of negate that as even a possibility. And if we just sit back and wait for her to act, then she could wait a few years before coming back to say that we knew about the baby and chose to 'walk away'.

I would say you or the lawyer have all the contact. He doesn't exist for her anymore. Just my 2 cents.

^^^ That's pretty much exactly how I feel.

painfulpast posted 12/10/2013 15:55 PM

plainpain, I can't imagine what you're going through. As a mother that did the co-parenting thing, I have to agree that thinking that for 18 years the two of them won't speak is probably not a reality based thought. Things come up with kids that require discussions, not just 'have her home by 7' or 'where will he spend Christmas?'. There are problems that need a conversation. There are school functions, school meetings, sporting events, etc. While it is absolutely horrific to imagine, I think at some point, if this is his child, they will have to begin speaking.

For now, I would do nothing. There's no need. She's still pregnant, so it doesn't matter. When the due date is near, start checking her local paper for the birth announcements. If it goes 2 weeks past the due date, have an attorney contact her.

In the interim, I would speak to a family counselor to see what suggestions he/she has about situations like this. Try to find one with experience.

Are you planning on moving back to the area that you were living in before? If not, beyond sending a check, co-parenting is going to be next to impossible. No mother, even an OW mother, is going to send her baby across the country to stay with a man that the baby doesn't know, and where there is a woman (you) that the mother doesn't like. You're a mother - you know this. So either the relationship with the child starts when the child is in the 3rd or 4th grade, or the locations of the two parents are going to have to be a bit closer.

Have you spoken to an attorney yet about protecting your children in the event that you and your H separate? If she's already gone to court for child support, in some states she'll get more because she's now 'first in line' regarding demanding funds. Also, if you are working, the courts may look at your income as 'available' income for child support. It's happened before. The courts would take your income and your husband's income into account when running the calculations, not just his. Yours will definitely factor into the basic needs requirements, so she'll probably get more just because. You'll want to see an attorney, and soon. Sadly, you may be better off financially if you and your H are no longer married. That doesn't mean separated, but not legally married. A lawyer can answer these questions.

And I agree completely - the folks in 'I can relate' are always so helpful. They've walked this walk already, and can provide invaluable advice.

I'm so terribly sorry for you plainpain. I can't think of anything more painful than knowing that the OW is going to be around for 18 years. You're stronger than I am. I don't know if I could handle it. Just take care of you and YOUR babies, like I know you already are.

plainpain posted 12/10/2013 16:10 PM

Much as I HATE it, I know they will inevitably have to begin communicating at some point down the road. Not likely for quite a few years, since we don't have any plans to move closer to OW/OC. Some days I want full custody of OC, some days I want absolute and total NC forever. I never, ever picture shared custody. I just can't do it, as much as I wish that I could. I just can't. Visitation, yes, fine. It's all or nothing, from my end of things.

I guess it's really just the initial contact that I'm wondering about - the breaking of NC. If it's not going to be a lawyer - which I agree that it should be - is it better for it to be me or my H?

I think right now she's thinking I'm keeping my H from her, like I'm his mother telling him what he can and can't do. Whatever. Why do I care what she thinks? I really don't.